Tags: sanctuary

Pretty Smart

Movie Reviews: Witchslayer Gretl + Men & Chicken + A Star Is Born + The Appearing + Primal Force

Witchslayer Gretl (2012)
Emilie Ullerup of ‘Sanctuary’ and Paul McGillion of ‘Stargate Atlantis’ and Shannen Doherty star in this wretched film. There is babbling, exposition and uncombed hair. This was unpromising fomr the start. People have spiteful and insincere intentions. Witches draw hostile attacks from McGillion and some woman with a bad perm. This is a knock off of a Jeremy Renner film FFS! There are wilful acts, altercations, overacting, bad acting, implausible plotting and bad bleach jobs in this film that does not absorb or entertain.

Witchslayers pathologise female power in this extremely dubious plot. This starkly dispels any interest. The low budget and misogyny are glaringly evident. People carry on an intimidation campaign. A witch queen (Doherty) prances. People act arbitrarily in this terrible and horrible film. The witchslayer turns out to be Hansel and the witch queen is Gretel. Witches run around in lingerie and unloved women are killed. The appalling implications are ignored.

Best Lines:
“Did I do something to anger you?”
“Not yet.”

“You live and breathe to serve me.”

~
Men & Chicken (2015)
Mads Mikkelsen stars in this insufferable and dismaying and grotesque Danish ‘comedy’. Various half-brothers inhabit a ramshackle house having punch ups and being weird. There are chickens, animals, a secret in the basement and weirdness. There is not even an affection of mirth here. There is no wonder why people stand in fear of this family of weirdoes.

Best Line:
“How can a house this big have just one toilet?”

~
A Star Is Born (2018)
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga star in this overhyped remake. Cooper is some sort of compost heap looking rockstar who meets waitress/songwriter/dragbar singer Gaga. Her father is a subdued Andrew Dice Clay whose acting has improved since ‘Wacko’. This has only 1 good original song. All Cooper’s rock songs sound loud and incoherent. When Ally (Gaga) becomes a star she does pop which isn’t as catchy as Gaga’s own music.

This film was too long and too loud. Money and privilege and recognition come to Ally as Cooper suffers from drunkenness, drug use and tinnitus and becomes unfamous seemingly overnight. They marry and Cooper isn’t getting the right level of attention and comes to a terrible end. He needed her to bolster his morale. This was dull and has an array of unlikeable characters.

~
The Appearing (2014)
Dean Cain stars in this, along with a lesser Swayze and a bloated fat guy. This was terrible and incoherent.

~
Primal Force (1999)
Ron Perlman leads a rescue mission to an abandoned off limits island. Morons are stranded there with killer babbons. This is overlit and looks cheap. There is dated technology. An idiot won’t listen to advice. The island was a hunting preserve gone awry. This was 90s and naff but an okay time passer even if the acting was appalling.

Best Lines:
“Bet you won’t see that in National Geographic.”

“No animal hunts man.”

“Planet of the Apes garbage.”

“Banished me from their lofty halls of learning.”
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8 TV Reviews

Slasher 1x02

Digging Your Grave With Your Teeth
People are glumly uneasy and ignore the scary noise. The snotty teen shows up, not dead. Mark Ghanime of 'Helix’ guest stars as Justin the jackass landlord. Where did the furniture in Sarah’s house come from? Her husband’s name is Dylan. Sarah wants to be normal adjacent. Sarah’s grandmother shows up, she looks young for a grandmother. Sarah works on her gallery.

I guess there’s no opiod crisis in the small town. So an art gallery can function there. Sarah’s accent slips. Heather mumbles insanely. Sarah’s art gallery will be in a shop Heather once owned and lost. The landlords, Justin and Robin, drink and ignore their dubious business ethics. Robin is a cheater. Sarah paints.

Robin is nearly murdered but is saved. He doesn’t thank the man who saved him. Why does Justin have ‘Jersey Shore’ hair? Sarah visits the 1988 killer and ignores sense. There is no sign of a dreadful effect on the town from a loony on the loose. Sarah goes into a cave with only her smartphone and finds a skeleton.

There are spectacles of public discontent. Sarah pulls a Biblical Seven Deadly Sins murder theory out of her ass. A rabid cop rants. Nothing is clear and informative. This ep was inept. No-one is in a gregarious mood. Really unpleasant things are going on in town. There is no dizzying panic from the corpses stacking up. The town is a hostile environment. Sarah’s mother’s name was Rachel. Was she renting love? Why wasn’t the murder house ever sold? The grandmother knew about the sex tapes.

There is yelling and ACTINGS. Nobody worries about a potential escalation of the new killer. The 1988 victim who escaped with only a slashed face is now the town pastor. Robin shows no contrition for his cheating. The killer is carrying out an exercise in vengeance - his victims are awful people. Justin snorts cocaine or rather, what he thinks is cocaine. Nobody is profoundly sorry.

Who is Sarah’s blonde friend? Justin wears hideous pink trousers. The police are inept. Robin gets a funeral bouquet. Justin does a badly acted foaming mouthed death scene. Blood flies out of his mouth and eyes as he flexes and expires. He and Robin had such a nice house. Heather is the suspect. There is an attack. This was not of far reaching importance.

Best Lines:
“As popular in death as she was in life.”

“Sea of weirdoes.”

“Only eat white things.”

“House with a past.”

“A psycho killer’s on the loose. Everyone’s in danger.”

“Rather dysfunctional family.”

“She’s a bigger story.”

“Queen slut of all sluts.”

“Be a little excessive.”

“His husband snorts poison and dies.”

~
American Horror Story: Muder House 1x01

Pilot
There is a creepy house, vile kids and bones. Serious harm is forthcoming to anyone who moves into the house of the title. The opening credits are freaky. Connie Britton of ‘Nashville’, Dylan McDermott, Evan Peters and Jessica Lange star. The father, Ben, wears a hipster hat. The family have a dog and a snotty daughter. They all move into the creepy house.

Frances Conroy and Bianca Lawson guest star. The previous owners of the house died messily, that doesn’t put off the family from moving in. The daughter is bullied by a screechy girl. A faded southern belle neighbour Constance (Lange) wanders around being cryptically creepy. Tate (Peters) is a creepy kid who is having an acute psychotic episode.

Violet is a cutter. Ben is a crap shrink and starts fires while naked. The housekeeper (Conroy) looks like an old woman to the mother (Britton) and Violet but a hot chick dressed like a French maid to Ben. The mother is a hippy into ‘natural’ things and woo. Ben cheated and the mother had a miscarriage. Simmering resentments are stoked. There are mythic notions and perversion and little appreciation for sense.

Ben cries. There is a girl fight and a weird mural and Ben shrieks. There is an overwrought campy screaming match. Ben resents the dog. The mother and her call girl hair has sex with a man in a gimp suit. It wasn’t Ben. There is strobe lighting and Tate wears a t-shirt that declares Normal People Scare Me. Teen romance starts and stops. There is a chase scene and well founded concerns about the house are ignored.

Immense personal threat is shrugged off. Ben has sex panic. There are damaged reputations. This is not clear and informative. Well worn story tropes are entertaining in this bizarre ep. Ben ignores sense. There is stuff on the shady side going on! Move!

Best Lines:
“The morals were just beginning to collapse.”

“Too many bad memories in here.”

“I kill people I like.”

“Somewhere clean and kind.”

“Whoreshow.”

“I hate trees.”

“I’ve heard a lot worse.”
“Cool. Can you tell me some?”

“Oil soap kills the wood.”

“Hates everyone and everything.”

“You narcissistic asshole!”

“Piledriving her in our bed!”

“I’m a dealer and a good one.”

“Coke whore.”

“I want my goddam drugs.”

“Peeking in people’s windows is still a crime. Even in LA!”

“Don’t make me kill you again.”

~
Designated Survivor 2x01-2x05

One Year In
There is a rebuilding montage as the destroyed capitol building rubble has been removed and a shiny new exact copy made to replace it. In under a year. A new guy blowhards and harasses Emily. Kirkman is still not liked. There is a plane hijacking. Ayre Gross was in this apparently. Maggie Q runs into an MI6 guy. The FLOTUS Alex has flat effect. An ex-friend of Kirkman’s is on the plane. I do not love this show ardently and intimately but I enjoyed it. No denial is ever enough. The White House staff are in chaos. This was okay but is full of sap. Where are the Kirkman kids?

Best Lines:
“Kirkman’s folly.”

“I don’t matter.”

“Lexicon of bad words.”

“Removed it from consideration.”

“I abhor what you stand for.”

“Modicum of loyalty.”

“Thwarted at every turn.”

Sting Of The Tail
The season 1 big bad is back. Kirkman faces displeasure of the heart. Kirkman rages. The big bad hides out in a bunker. Kirkman faces obstruction when he calls in a drone strike. The big bad is apparently dead. There is sap and no to this.

Best Line:
“Restrictive definition.”

Outbreak
Alex’s mother whines. There’s a flu outbreak. The shrill lawyer is from 1x02 is now the White House counsel. Alicia Coppola of ‘Jericho’ and Von Flores of ‘Earth: Final Conflict’ and Ron Canada guest star. People get angry over a confederate monument. This was okay. A nice CDC doctor (Coppola) nearly dies. Alex’s mother (Bonnie Bedelia) is shady. There are trash responses. How is MI6 guy in the US? People obsess over a frog. Kirkman yells. Seth bores. Maggie Q is the only FBI agent in America. Big pharma acts out. Alex’s family are trash. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Kirkman toad.”

“Sanitise history.”

“Viral gestation cycle.”

“Anti-viral stockpile.”

“These halls were walked by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy.”

Equilibrium
Truckers blockade Mexico. Maggie Q has uncovered that the FLOTUS’ family has secrets. Reed Diamond guest stars, he‘s going to be in ‘The Purge‘ TV show - that I will watch. There is gunfire and babble about trade and a shooting. The FLOTUS is stupid and is stunned to learn her mother took a bribe to get a change to the transplant list. The POTUS’ daughter prances. An irritating woman lurks. The useless bimbo Alex wants her mother’s crime covered up. Aaron’s relative blowhards. Kirkman yells. This was mediocre and there is a conspiracy around Alex’s mother. FFS. An expy of Elon Musk lurks. This was not good.

Best Lines:
“What did the Mexican ambassador have to say?”
“Not a lot I’d like to translate sir.”

“Manufactured nonsense.”

“Milk human tragedy.”

Suckers
A woman with an annoying accent is shot. Kirkman plays ice hockey and babbles about a financial scandal and the G20 and the Kirkman agenda. The MI6 bore returns. Kirkman is thrown under the bus by a political ally. New guy blowhards. Alex annoys. Megan Gallagher guest stars. Alex uses the White House counsel to defend her mother. Isn't that a conflict of interest? Why does Alex have Cinderella hair? Why does she throw a fit in court? Kirkman makes a sap filled speech. FFS. This wasn't good either.

Best Lines:
“That is not government sir, that is charity.”

“Trying is not the same as getting.”

“Traffic in over-statement.”

“It’s like Uber with handcuffs.”

~
American Vandal (2017-2018) 1x01&1x08

Hard Facts: Vandalism And Vulgarity
Hanover High had a vandalism incident. Dylan was blamed because teachers had given up on him. He was expelled and faces charges of felony vandalism. Nobody is reasonable and responsible. Dylan has stupid friends. Only a few people have access to the school’s private server. So who really committed the vandalism and deleted the security footage? Dylan is loathed by his goblin like Spanish teacher. Dylan does food deliveries (which he eats) and seems too stupid to be capable of the crime. So what happened? This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He does stupid things all the time.”

“A history of poor decisions.”

“He’s really into string.”

“A teacher vendetta.”

“Way-er back.”

Clean
This true crime documentary spoof is horrible. Dylan has been dumped by his cheating galpal and rejected from Boulder after being expelled for vandalism. Peter made documentary exonerating him. People babble about Twitch. This is not a high-intensity experience that is unremittingly lurid. High school students who look like they’re 35 prance. Dylan’s dumb and slutty prom dresses are worn.

Dylan learns everyone thinks he is a hopeless, stupid, idiotic, burnout loser. He wears an I Don’t Carrot All t-shirt. A guy nearly dies at a post-prom party and this reveals something. Dubious school politics are discussed as well as the Morning Show 9. Dylan’s arrested and lives up to his beyond redemption tag. This was sad.

Best Lines:
“For the first time Dylan is well liked.”

“Doing the dicks with her.”

“Hitting drill.”

“Pep rally walkout.”

“False accusations.”

“Known dick drawer.”

“Pulling my balls out of waistband.”

“The wayback boys.”

“It’s called a lie.”

“I’m the bad guy.”

“Wrongfully expelled on his reputation alone.”

“Stamp of deficiency.”

“A reputation he’s earned.”

~
Gotham 4x13

A Beautiful Darkness
Fox keeps secrets from Gordon and Bruce has a bird he neglects. Gotham has a persistence of evil. Poison Ivy is deliberately and wilfully annoying. Penguin is tormented by the annoying Jerome and his bad makeup in Arkham. Lee meets Sofia. What is Jerome up to?

What did Poison Ivy hear from Bruce? As for Bruce he shrugs off how society works to his advantage. Bruce has disregard for Alfred. Bruce hallucinates Ra’s Al Ghul. Poison Ivy has calculated fury. Jerome negatively segregates and isolates Penguin at Arkham. Gordon ignores the notoriously dangerous Sofia and Barbara and has disillusionment. Why is Alfred so unassertive when he deals with Bruce?

Poison Ivy can induce conformity and remove free will from people. Bruce hallucinates. Riddler visits Penguin. This was not powerfully concise. Bruce was investigating Lazarus Water? Bruce hallucinates Alfred, Batman, the Batcave and bats. This was unsubtle. The hallucination Batman does the Christian Bale whisper and Bruce shrills. Bruce still doesn’t apologise to Alfred. I’m tried of this show.

Best Lines:
“What a boring story.”

“Pees himself 10 times a day.”

“If I say yes will it make a difference?”

“Murders my little green friends.”

“Turned into a tree.”

“She’s changed. Like a lot.”

“She’s a psycho who turned a guy into a potted plant.”

“You’re scared, you should be.”

~
Sanctuary 3x16

Awakening
Helen and her silly fake accent and Tesla look into a stronghold of the Praxian race. Only to learn it is actually a vampire stronghold. TPTB inflict us with Robin Dunne. Tesla has a frightening determination to be a vampire again. There is made up computer technology and a boring sub plot.

Helen used her dubious talents to remove Tesla’s vampiric nature and now she has to make him a vampire again. Helen’s shrill and annoying. How can Helen read the vampire language? Helen and Tesla encounter the Queen of the Vampires. If she’s been entombed for thousands of years - why is she dressed like a Goth? Tesla points out Helen’s myriad flaws and hypocrisy.

There is bad acting by the Vampire Queen. Lucky bitch Helen is not emotionally available. Tesla isn’t impressed by the Vampire Queen when she rejects him. Tesla points how out Helen let Jack The Ripper roam free. Helen’s gotten over losing her daughter. Tesla’s assumptions about the vampire race go out the window. The Vampire Queen heaves her boob armour and calls Tesla a “mixed blood mongrel”.

The ep becomes all about Helen, again. How does the Vampire Queen speak English? Helen’s insolence bores. The Vampire Queen’s court is under the stronghold in a very large, very modern looking warehouse. Helen tries to fight the Vampire Queen. How does Tesla survive the fight with the Queen? How does the Queen know the phrase: “password.”?

Of course Helen can read the vampire language better than Tesla. Helen nukes the vampires. This was mediocre with bad dialogue and bad acting. Still it did have Tesla. If the vampires existed before humans than how do they look human and what did they eat before humans showed up? This was illogical but okay.

Best Lines:
“The man was a genius in his own way.”

“We’re about to make history. Again.”

“Stayed to serve.”

“Rule into eternity.”

“Revamp me.”

“What my race achieved before humans even left the caves.”

“Power efficiency.”

“The last remnant of an extinct civilization.”

"He can have the past.”

“Animal plasma.”

“I hope you choke on it.”

“The time of returning.”

“I’d rather be a mongrel than a stuck up inbred bitch.”

~
Shades Of Blue 3x01

Good Police
After the cliffhanger of season 2, there has been a time jump and there are flashforwards. In the future Harlee will testify to police corruption. Stahl is still at large. Woz has walked off being shot. JLo is caked in makeup. The bug eyed Woz looks into a diner massacre. The NYPD has an intelligence unit? Harlee has PTSD and shot a guy. A scene from 1x01 is redone in bitter fashion.

Harlee was saved from Stahl because he called 911 over her bleeding. How is she back on duty? Where is Harlee’s daughter? It’s 4 months after the end of season 2. Woz’s office is now a storage closet and he wants things back to the way they were. 2 of his gang have lost their detective shields due to a disciplinary demotion. Woz’s corrupt squad has been busted up. Where did the FBI investigation go? Where is the investigation into Stahl’s craziness?

Harlee and co run into another group of corrupt cops. Harlee has hypocrisy and judges them. Nick Wechsler of ‘Roswell’ and Bruce McGill guest star. The kid who shot Woz has been locked up. Harlee wears ugly nude lipgloss. There is police brutality and Woz wields a huge gun. Woz runs into more problems. Woz and Harlee yap. This was mediocre and dull. Harlee’s PTSD leads to disaster and the loss of her man-candy. This has no undeniable pathos.

Best Lines:
“Always secure your vehicle.”

“Let’s go be good police.”

“I remember how to kick in a door.”

“Urinal cakes on my sofa!”

“Rat hole.”

“Not going to impress the company we’re meeting.”

“They killed one of their own Woz.”
“So did we.”

“You want a world where there’s no place for men like me.”

“NYPD! Run that light now!”

~
Carter 1x04

Harley’s Got A Gun
Harley’s annoying and he faces no flattering rhetoric. Where is Harley’s wife? Has she apologised for her vile acts? Where is the rabid cop boss? Harley wants a gun. The small town is fraught with danger as it contains a tech start up into duelling as a team building exercise. Harley is a jerk who bothers his cop ‘friend’. A guy makes old guns. The baddie is obvious. I think I’m done with this lightweight froth.

Best Lines:
“There’s a lot of roads out here Google hasn’t found yet.”

“Hater parade.”

“Violently uninvolved.”

“It’s not laughing time, it’s someone dying time!”

“Pull evidence out of our ass.”

“Take em down hard.”

“Are we bonding? Cos I will resist.”
Cat

Sanctuary 3x08-3x10 + Salem 2x04-2x06 + iZombie 2x08 Reviewed

For King And Country
Who is Adam? Why is Tesla there? Adam is Jekyll and Hyde and hates Magnus, understandably. Why is Will in this show? He contributes nothing. Magnus screams and yells and nags. Peter Wingfield shows up in flashbacks. There are fake moustaches, beards and sideburns. Adam wanted to join The Five but they ignored him. In flashbacks, Tesla has an accent.

Magnus needs to shut up. The Five made excuses for Druitt’s murderous rampage but Adam was persona non grata. Adam (a Brit) uses the word: jello. Magnus has a map to an underground city. Adam keeps calling Will a concubine. This ep has an over-abundance of people being jerks to Tesla. Magnus wears a bad wig in flashbacks. Adam had a sick daughter and naturally Magnus didn’t help. Druitt shows up to annoy. Nobody cares that Ashley is dead.

Druitt was always a cause of embarrassment to this show. Druitt wears a bad wig in flashbacks. Watson mocks Tesla pointing out that he is Serbian. Magnus is downright petty. Why does everyone hate Adam? Because he had the rotten luck to be born in a slum? Did I miss anything by skipping 3x05-3x07? Will looks as though he was born in a slum. Magnus is suddenly dying. Oh happy day. Magnus has no remorse for anything. Nigel was the boring one in flashbacks. This was okay even if it had no intellectual polish.

This had bad VFX and the steampunk flashbacks were the best things in it. Druitt was never a menace so one can’t say he has had menace decay. Will RAGES. Why is he on this show? Magnus is awful.

Best Lines:
“Secrets hidden from mainstream science.”

“This shipment of fresh hell arrives.”

“I don’t do humble.”

“She’s hardly the hero you think she is.”

“Druitt: menace to society.”

“Please tell me he’s dying.”

“I owe you nothing.”

“It needn’t have come to this.”

“Built on the blood of a dead man.”
“It was necessary.”

“His death gave us all a future.”

“Suicide? You’ve already played that card.”

Vigilante
Will is a slack jawed idiot. Who is Declan? Magnus snots at Druitt. They’re both rude. Tesla snots. Why is Will such a jerk? Magnus shrieks. Adam might as well not be there. Will lies. I don’t care. There is stupid VFX. Magnus, Druitt and Tesla stare at a VFX map and all 3 seem to have different sightlines. This was unfathomably bad.

Best Lines:
“We have to try.”
“Do we?”

“Dies a strange death.”

“Ignores logical associations.”

The Hollow Men
Kate needs to shut up and go away. Will is thankless. Polly Walker shows up as the leader of the underground city. Recall when people predicted that Walker would become a huge star due to ‘Rome’? Druitt shouts. This was not epic or unpredictable. The gang end up in a terrible predicament thanks to Magnus’ stupidity. Why is Magnus so universally adored given her incredibly disproportionate responses to things?

People she takes against have a strange way of vanishing from her social circle. Kate whines. As Magnus and co venture underground there is no issue with air or pressure. There is light for some unexplained reason. The underground people have tight t-shirts and dress like a 90s boy band. This ep had no emotional ballast. There is an underground airship and a basilisk. Will is a moron. Where does the underground city get its water and light?

There is an underground farm and technobabble and a mass transit system. Adam sneers. There is an underground waterfall and everyone mocks Tesla but he is the only one not trapped underground. Magnus is arrogant, Druitt is in peril and they are fried by stupid glowy things. This was okay if daft.

Best Lines:
“Don’t be bitter.”
“Oh I do it so well.”

“Triggered an autolock.”

“3 surface life forms.”

“Bang 2 rocks together and call it tool-making.”

“We don’t abide unlawful transumations here.”

“Vampire detector.”

~
Book Of Shadows
Tituba gives Mary warnings and eats the dead Seers eyes. There is no stunning intensity as John murders and walks around in a plague doctor’s mask. This was not darkly mesmerizing, intricate or disturbing. It was also not morbid, sinister or spellbinding. Hathorne sneers. The characters seem to have forsaken grammar. Mary revels in her own crapulence. Mary gives Anne a Book Of Shadows. Every witch has to keep one apparently.

Everyone is unimpressed by Cotton. There is a Newton mention. Dollie lurks. Mercy torments Isaac. Anne gets a familiar: Brown Jenkins. Mary sexes up the doctor. Mercy batters Dollie. Anne engages in animal abuse. This was mediocre. Also Mary spies on Anne.

Best Lines:
“Cotton Mather returns, like a dog to its vomit.”

“Cut your candle short.”

“The old ways are not lost.”

“Your familiar will come.”

“The benighted bigots of this little town.”

“Goddess of bitches.”

The Wine Dark Sea
The Countess and her son are creepy and weird. What does a true consecration mean? John menaces Cotton. Anne is menaced. Mary indulges in elder abuse. Mary’s brat is creepy. Puritans orate. The Countess killed other old witches. Mercy tantrums. Anne engages in more animal abuse. This was terrible. The Countess kills George. Nothing is commendable here.

Best Lines:
“The sweaty molestations of Mr Sibley.”

“Your witch stick.”

Ill Met By Moonlight
Mary engages in self harm. George is really dead and Mary unravels. John stalks Anne. There is a bar fight, that the good puritans do not stop. Mary tries to be fierce. The Seer isn’t dead or is he? The Countess wears purple. She and her son steal. There is a sex dream. Anne has cast a spell on Cotton to make him marry her. Brown Jenkins’ eyes glow red. There is inaudible mumbling. Tituba is onto John. Mercy bathes in Dollie’s blood and Mary digs up Increase. This was BAD.

Best Lines:
"FIND THE TOAD! FIND THE TOAD!"

"His corpulent carcass."

~
The Hurt Stalker
Steven Weber snots and plots. Clive is a murder suspect. Liv nags Major. Liv ends up in jail. She nags Major more and this was BAD.

Best Lines:
“Register some concern with my news.”

“Go with the urine flavour.”

“Classic whore line.”

“What’s George RR Martin up to right now?”
“Not writing!”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and a 2005 Tape Tale

‘Geostorm’ trailer
Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Andy Garcia and Ed Harris star in this action flick that looks good. This has been on the shelf for years apparently. Extreme weather threatens the world. There is a bigger international space station and regular space travel. Weather is controlled and Andy Garcia is the POTUS. There is ecstatic behavioural and someone weaponises weather. Didn’t they do this in ‘Superman III’? A plane crashes into a city and a tidal wave strikes.

Best Line:
“We’re kidnapping the president in a self driving cab.”

The Great Wall’ clip
A battle scene with soldiers in different colour armour and weaponised bungee jumping. Why all the drums? Arrows are fired and the crane corps have a high attrition rate. There are monsters and Matt Damon. Mmmmm.

‘Hex’ promos
Ridic.

‘Battlestar Galactica’ promo
Cool.

‘Stargate Atlantis’ promo
So much promise, all thrown away. The wraith were crap.

‘Dumb & Dumber To’ promo
Ha?

‘Alive’ (1993) promo
No.

Dairy free chocolate frozen yogurt with gummi bears - okay.
Fresh OJ - delightful.
Feta with oregano & Sicilian lemon - okay.
Mojito juice drink - yum.
Watermelon chill - okay.
Cornish cruncher extra mature cheddar - okay.

The ‘Stranger Things 2’ poster looks good.

They made a film of ‘The Ritual’? I disliked the book so won’t bother.

Recall ‘Dogtanian and The Three Muskehounds’? Or the 1986 ‘Running Scared’?

I remember being on the Algarve years ago - there was a lethal slide in a playground.

Anyone see ‘Death Valley’ (1982)? Or ‘Berserker’ (1987)? Or ‘Doom Asylum’ (1987)? Or ‘Ice Cream Man’ (1995)? Or ‘Out Of The Dark’ (1988)? Or ‘The Prowler’ (1981)? Or ‘The Baby Doll Murders’ (1992)? Or ‘Evil Laugh’ (1986)? Or ‘Escape From The Planet Of The Apes’ (1971) or ‘Beneath The Planet Of The Apes’ (1970)? Or the 1992 ‘That Thing You Do!’?

I saw some of the ‘Marple’ ep ‘4:50 From Paddington’ which starred Jenny Agutter, John Hannah, Amanda Holden, Michael Landes, Griff Rhys-Jones and David Warner. There is a comedy waiter on a train and an old biddy witnesses a murder on a passing train in preposterously unlikely fashion. Ugly hats are worn and police mock the old biddy with noxious indifference. People look for the body and encounter a mad family.

Best Lines:
“So many of our big houses are being sold off.”

“Fall off the twig.”

“Sheer tawdriness.”

“Sugar on me kippers.”

“Touching up 2 senoritas and a donkey.”

“You snotty little pup!”

“3 feet of it behind the municipal swimming pool.”

I will review ‘Now I Rise’, ‘Final Girls’ and ‘Gwendy’s Button Box’.

I won’t review ‘Do Not Become Alarmed’.

I’d try candied roses.

‘Let The Blood Run Free’ Quote:
“You are here to pick excrement off the floor.”

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Uncharged individual.”

“Difficult, modestly paid productions.”

“Reasoned and deep thinkers.”

“Couldn’t get arrested on TV.”

“Not perceived as a norm, or moral.”

“An axe-wielding man who emerged from a graveyard.”

“Consider their union a mistake.”

“Solutionism.”

“Bog-standard house.”

“Dogged by years of opposition.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Lack of trust.”

“Disliked living figures in British politics.”

“Try to exclude the parents.”

“Profound moral.”

‘Eastenders’ Quote:
“This ain’t a dosshouse”

Sanctuary’ Quotes:
“I know. Everytime.”

“After events.”

“Scorch the earth behind them.”

“You are a cold man.”

“Dead sectors.”

‘FTWeekend’ Quotes:
“Apparently he meant that in bad way.”

“It’s hard to make out from the documented record what the problem actually was.”

“Be as uninformative as possible.”

“Wild boar wurst.”

“You have to get a bus to get a bus.”

“Words of war.”

“Be quieter. Behave.”

“Testimony has been ignored, dismissed and disbelieved.”

“The bedridden King’s huge wig, like two poodles clamped to each side of his head.”

“Bad for future mothers.”

~
Cleared out a 2005 tape. It began with a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Sacrifice part 2’ in which Ares, Dahak, Hope and Callisto run around. Than Joxer shows up. This was a bunch of sound and fury signifying nothing. This was a ghastly mess full of characteristically unhinged discontent. Then came a ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Ted’ which guest starred John Ritter. Joyce dates Ted (Ritter). I could care less. Ritter looms menacingly and this was unvalued.

Then came a ‘Forever Knight’ ep ’Dead Of Night’ which had big hair, badly fitting clothes and Kari Matchett guest starred. There is a haunted house but no moody sparseness or musings on the melancholy of memory. There is babbling about a reverse medium house and closure. This was full of babbling and it was not consequential.

Best Line:
He fell. He died.”

Then there was an ’SG1’ ep ’Lifeboat’ which was full of yelling and over-acting. I can’t even feign concern.
Hawkeye

Trailers, Quotes and musings on the Misty 1980 annual

‘Kedi’ trailer
A documentary about the street cats of Istanbul. They’re so cute and look well cared for. There are sleeping cats, staring cats, cats eating and so many cats. Cats sitting up high, cats fighting and sitting. Aawww.

‘47 Meters’ trailer
Mandy Moore and some other woman go cage diving. The cage falls to the bottom of the sea cue bad acting and a shark attack and flares and blood.

Best Lines:
“We’re sinking!”

“How deep are we?”

‘This Morning’ clip
A miniature guide pony craps on the carpet. Ha!

‘Pain and Gain’ clips
The victim nobody likes and the bbq. Ha!

Best Line:
“Was this a sex thing?”

‘Sanctuary’ trailer
Okay.

Gluten free dough balls - yum.
Cucumber and mint presse - yum.

I may review ‘Salem’ and ‘Into The Badlands’.

The ‘Angel 4’ poster looks naff.

Cast issues on ‘Hawaii 5-0’?

‘The Irish Times’ Quotes:
“Godless tyranny.”

“Historical substance.”

“Biologically rich.”

“He was in another world, one I couldn’t reach.”

“Territorial sea limit.”

“Bleating Europism.”

“Losing out all the time.”

“Water-dense foods.”

“Gets used to the cleanliness of the food.”

‘Eastenders’ Quote:
“Your feral kids run havoc.”

‘The Guardian’ Quotes:
“No contemporaneous written record.”

“Designed to be rejected.”

“Social origins.”

RTE News’ Quotes:
“Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?”

“Any form of organised co-ordination.”

‘Sky News’ Quotes:
“Duly expressed their approval.”

“What can he even do about it?”

“Treated with deep suspicion.”

‘Dr Phil’ Quotes:
“Want to be belligerent about it.”

"Putting me in a choke hold until I calm down."

"He can't even buy you food."

"Performing sex acts on the internet."

"She has to do sex tapes."

"Detained me."

"I'm ashamed of you."

“I can’t stand drama.”

“Causing chaos in the family.”

~
Read the ‘Misty’ 1980 annual. ‘Home For Tea’ sees teen potholers sent to the future. It was dumb. ‘The Haunting of Form 2B’ was a ridic tale of a hunted class. ‘A Little Night Music’ sees sailors killed by wreckers return for vengeance. It was bad. ‘A New Leaf For Nancy’ was a mad and silly tale of a magic tree. ‘Hand Of Vengeance’ is a daft tale. ‘String Of Seven Stones’ was daft. ‘The Chair That Chilled’ was a daft tale about a cursed chair. ‘Last Dance At The Disco’ was stupid.

Best Lines:
“You go to work then?”
“Think I’m a mug? I can make more at the bingo and National Assistance can’t I?”

“That stuck up lot next door!”
Scary Books

Trailers, Quotes and Stuff

‘The Walking Dead’ season 3 promo
Uh.

~
‘Terminus’ Quotes:
“Run. Run as fast as you can.”

“A few months ago there were ten billion people on this planet, give or take. Now there are a handful of us left.”

“Uptown Manhattan is now a crater a quarter of a mile wide throwing out lethal gamma radiation.”

“This region will be lingering death for the next quarter of a million years.”

“The place is a wasteland, utterly hostile to life.”

‘Blackadder II’ Quotes:
“I’ve been in your family since 1532.”
“So has syphilis.”

“I was tucked into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when I was awakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.”

“My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe.”

“I remember the last time you had a party; I found you face down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.”

“A total piss up involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall to wall vomiting.”

“Chairs are an invention of satan!”

Sanctuary’ Quotes:
“What did you do?”
“Stole three witches from a crypt in Scotland.”

“Your gifts to the world will live on long after you die. Whenever you actually die.”

“I’m a vampire. Some people are threatened by that.”

“He played the fawning acolyte in the wings.”

“I know he’s difficult to kill but I’m sure there are ways.”

~
Saw photos of the cat named Momo caught up in the Calgary floods. Good to know he’s safe.

They’re making ‘Independence Day 2’? Why?

The 2009 film ‘Whiteout’ wasn’t any good even if had the ‘Moonlight’ and ‘Hawaii Five-0’ guy in it using his real accent.

I am reading ‘Terminus’.
Scary Books

Supernatural 7x04 + Teen Wolf 2x07 + Breaking Bad 2x12 Reviewed

Defending Your Life
Dean goes on trial for something. Didn’t ‘Charmed’ do this already in 2004? Dean mocks AA and apparently feels guilty about Amy. The Leviathans do nothing. There is bad acting as Dean is tried by Osiris (Faran Tahir of ‘Warehouse 13’ and ‘Star Trek’).

Jo (Alona Tal) shows up and Emilie Ullerup of ‘Sanctuary’ has a thankless bit part. This ep was stupid as TPTB try to retcon events, make Dean look stupid and Sam naturally feels no guilt for the years of crap he pulled. This was dreadful, dreadful stuff.

Best Lines:
“I was pre law.”
“Yeah pre.”

“Good one.”
“I saw that on ‘The Good Wife’.”

“That’s a new low.”


~
Restraint
A trailer trash couple are targeted. The cliff-hanger ending of 2x06 is ignored. Stiles and Scott are given a restraining order by Jackson. Stiles is stupid and mocking. Stiles and Scott have no respect for their parents. Why does Stiles dad put up with his moron son?

A CGI snake is fond of Jackson. Scott’s mother shows off her ineffective parenting. Where is his father? Lydia wears a blouse as a dress in school. Erica wears a basque to school. Jackson acts like a crazy abuser. Scott is arrogant and violence prone.

Mrs Argent thinks Allison has “severely low standards”. Stiles have no empathy. Matt is a creeper. There is a mystery about Jackson’s birth parents. People act like it is a surprise that Jackson is the lizard man with bad make up. What is the point of Lydia’s side story and why is she immune? Why is Scott so stupid? This was okay.

Best Line:
“I’m the worst son ever.”

~
Phoenix
Walter misses the birth of his daughter Holly. Jane’s dad (John de Lancie) takes her to NA meetings and she lies to his face. Jesse continues to act like a junkie imbecile who says yo a lot. What happened to Walt’s second job at the car wash?

Walt Jnr sets up a website for donations for his father who deems it “cyber begging”. Skyler is never satisfied. Walt has an ego. Jesse and Jane do more heroin, act stupid and decide to blackmail. Jane’s dad cops that she has jumped off the wagon. He’s been trying to get her clean for 10 years through love and understanding. He should have written to Dr Phil, he got Alexandra to rehab.

Walt and Jane’s dad chat in a bar. Jane and Jesse are crazy stupid and Walt stands idly by to get rid of a problem. This was good.

Best Lines:
“When have you not dropped the ball?”

“If I gave you that money, you would be dead inside of a week.”

“Prove it. Pee in that.”
“How gay are you?”

“I have so much cash on hand that I actually count it by weighing it on my bathroom scale and yet I can’t spend it.”

“You miserable little smackhead.”
Scary Books

Trailers & Quotes of the Day

Dark Night of the Scarecrow’ (1985) trailer
This TV movie is not good.

‘Arrow’ trailer
Now this I’d watch. Our hero and his weird beard are rescued from a North China sea island after 5 years and returns to Starling City. He decides to fight the bad dudes while a cop (TV’s Harry Dresden!) is after him. It looks good certainly better than the AWFUL Green Arrow character that stank up ‘Smallville’.

Best Lines:
“Every last one of them will wish I died on that island.”

“Tell me you saw that.”


‘Revenge’ 1x22 promo
Looks good.

Skyfall’ teaser
Looks crap.

The Possession’ trailer
An aged Jeffrey Dean Morgan and an antique box and a demon. Looks silly.

‘The Great Gatsby’ (2012) trailer
This actually looks good.

~
Blade: The Series’ was a non-event while ‘Point Pleasant’ was unfairly overlooked.

Sanctuary’ cancelled – no shock there.

Coming soon: reviews of ‘Bedlam’ series 2.

I am reading ‘Dead Reckoning’.

‘The Lost Stories of Sherlock Holmes’ was one of the worst books ever.

~
Veronica Mars’ Quote:
My only concern is property values going down if anybody sees you at my house without a leaf blower or a skimmer.”

Point Pleasant’ Quotes:
“When I pictured evil personified, you’re more fluffy then what leaps to mind. Are you sure you’re up to the job?”

“Go ahead take one more step forward. See if I can make her head explode with my mind. It may not work but it would be fun to try.”


‘Babylon 5’ Quote:
“The last time you vouched for a doctor friend of yours: we had three dead bodies, half the station was trashed...war machine burning through decks and shooting at everything.”

‘2 Broke Girls’ Quotes:
I don’t have the money to be a real alcoholic.”

“Cutting pictures out of magazines isn’t just for serial killers anymore.”


‘Don’t Trust The B---- In Apartment 23’ Quotes:
“I screwed your fiancée on your birthday cake and I’m going to be late with my half of the rent.”

“It’s just like on Friends.”

“Adopt a looting mentality.”

“We missed our last three mortgage payments, but no pressure honey!”

“You said something really disturbing and then you slammed the door?”

“I was going to help you but then I didn’t want to.”

“Don’t be a blonde dude in a Vietnamese jail.”
Scary Books

Trailers & Stuff

The X Files’ 1x10 promo
Ahhh ‘Eve’, a classic ep.

‘The River’ 1x05 promo
Looks good.

~
I won’t be reviewing/watching ‘Sanctuary’ anymore. I’m done, not even Tesla can tempt me back.

‘Death Valley’ axed? Oh curses on MTV. That is as cruel as the cliff-hanger of ‘Dracula: The Series’. Poor Klaus, that was cruel.

~
Dracula: The Series’ quotes:
I will never be defeated.”

“I am already dead. Your son is dead. Get it?...I don’t want to be brought back.”


~
I may review the 1994-1995 show ‘Earth 2’ at a later date, through the ether of vague memories I can recall liking it.
Scary Books

Sanctuary is dead to me

Silver-Tongued Devil’ is not a good book.

‘Smash’ trailer
Looks okay, I give it three eps.

‘Sanctuary’ 3x08 promo
Druitt, yawn.

‘Sanctuary’ 3x09 promo
Bad SFX.

No reviews of ‘Sanctuary’ 3x05, 2x06 or 3x07 because I don’t care.

A sequel to Warren Fahy’s ‘Fragment’ called ‘Pandemonium’ is coming out? Oh I am there.