Why are we supposed to care about May and her toothpaste hair? There are flashbacks to 7 years ago with a happy May and her husband (Blair Underwood) and trick man Coulson who is simply diabolically awful at his job. There is a mention of Avengers. May is smiling and dragged around on Coulson’s megalomaniacal trip. May is not yet the calm one. Coulson causes a disaster. The writing lacks pace, tension and narrative skill as May is a fool and a murderer who ruined her marriage and threw her life away over a brutally single minded child who had an epic arm waving temper tantrum.
In the ‘present’ there is talk of the Theta Protocol, May uncovers Coulson’s dark machinations and Skye and her dead-eyed vapidity is not worthwhile. Where are Gravitron and the evil businessman from season 1? There are non-aligning philosophies. This was comprehensively inept and full of chronically bad acting. Coulson is all snide prurience and seldom speaks without shouting. May comes around to REAL SHIELD. Gordon won’t shut up, Raina can see the future and Skye is trained. Skye and her mommy bond. Cal knew all along his wife wasn’t dead which makes no sense.
Coulson and May’s ex are up to something. Simmons lies. Skye considers herself an Inhuman now and bonds with her non-threatening daddy. There are violent implications. What is Coulson’s high tech endeavour? Fitz is up to something, blank pecs Hunter is smug and Coulson sneers.
“You can’t hurt the mountain.”
“The gifts layered below.”
“Sleep is easy.”
“I got thorns.”
“Everybody keeps leaving.”
“Bio always works.”
“Are you ok?”
“Bobbi wasn’t lying May.”
“Favouritism undermines trust.”
“You killed mother.”
“Only one car in the village and we didn’t own it.”
A name you can’t trust.
Chaz orders Profit and the dangerously hostile Joanne to have lie detector tests. Profit voiceovers on the redundancy of morality and being a paean to ruthlessness. Joanne rants to her shrink about Profit’s dreadful wickedness. Profit blackmails the shrink who Joanne has failed to notice is a sleaze. As a result Joanne (Lisa Zane of ‘Roar’) is gaslit by her shrink. More ridiculous VR websites are looked up. Bobbi fakes being an interior decorator at G&G. Profit’s attentions to Nora are kindly received. Bobbi wears a red plastic miniskirt. Profit learns Pete is not so shallow and fickle and that he is plotting with Sykes.
Chaz strides, Joanne is made to recall her father’s suicide and the shrink is a perv but that’s okay because he is not Profit. Nora and Joanne cry. Bobbi the drug guzzling slut plots. Profit is not burdened by morality. The often furious Sykes smirks. Pete looks orange and is now faking being drunk. Joanne’s PA Seth is played by Steve Bacic. Profit tries to gaslight Joanne but it doesn’t work. The pervert shrink whines. Profit beats the lie detector with a carpet tack. Profit is 28. Chaz lays down the law. This was good.
“He’s the sickest son of a bitch on the face of the Earth.”
“People who have to be endured.”
“Found myself that sugar man.”
“Detailed and expensive analysis.”
“I’ve been hearing stories about you Jim. All of them started by you Joanne.”
“Food is repulsive to you.”
“A thing like you. Where in hell did you come from?”
“No, don’t get up.”
“I bang back. Hard.”
“We’ve definitely underestimated Pete.”
“No one knows she’s here except Grant and me.”
Season 3 has been as meaningful as go-bots but this was good. The intro changes. Root breaks Billy (Colin Donnell of ‘Arrow’) out of a prison transport (temporarily). Nobody seems to notice Root and Billy in his underpants brazenly walking away from a prison bus break. Root is an awful woman. Finch is all trumped up orgy of outrage. Root rants about the 2nd Machine and being down to one ear. Root protects Cyrus and makes tear gas in a frying pan. Decima lurk. Shaw is menaced by Vigilance’s boss and his unpleasant personality. WTF is a push dagger? Cyrus sob stories. There is an attack on a NSA lab. Root decides not to have moral depravity, emotes and overcorrects and so Decima win, again.
“My name’s Billy too.”
“Can you do a German accent? Learn.”
“I do miss music in stereo.”
“Two gods go to war.”
“Do you think you could do that later?”
“You need a hospital.”
“Join or die.”
“Somewhere out there is a door.”
“Far from it.”
“The man who built god.”
“Someone broke my ear.”
“You, me, your helper monkey and Shaw.”
What The Little Bird Told Him
Two parlous nutters prance. The Captain annoys. Where is Dent? Gordon wants to capture the nutters and get his job back. The Commish has bellicosity. Falcone stares. Liza the ho panders. Ed is shouted down. Fish plots. Dr Thompkins looks wan. Maroni is under attack. Gordon clenches his jaw. Penguin mumbles. Barbara Kean stomps home to her uncertain detached parents. Falcone is on to Fish and Liza and her beaver teeth. The baddies look like idiots. Old fashioned cameras are waved. Gordon gets his job back. Penguin is persuasive. Fish pays for her gross ingratitude. Falcone rants about his sainted mother. Liza gets got. Gordon and Thompkins hook up. This was okish and for once not moronic or infantile or lacking in any wit or believability.
“You’re strangely self righteous.”
“You only go down.”
“And it is?”
“It’s menacing and weird and inedible.”
“Fried like a doughnut.”
“In exchange for extra soda and candy.”
“Bait, you mean.”
“He was a great man once.”
“I’m gonna make him eat it.”