epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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Movie Reviews: Blackwood + 4 others

Blackwood (2014)
A terrible reverse ‘ghost story’. Ben (Ed Stoppard of ‘The Musketeers‘) is recovering from a breakdown so he, his wife (Sophia Myles) and son move to a remote house. A vicar (Paul Kaye) lurks. Ben is shaking off his breakdown like a man emerging from a bin. He has a fascinating intensity at first until the plot’s stupidity overwhelms him. His moppet son prances around, Ben keeps his medication in a mint tin and a gamekeeper (Russell Tovey and his bat ears) lurks.

The wife blankly stares dishearteningly. There is a sense of awkwardness and cheese anvil of foreshadowing dialogue. Ghastly clothes are worn, there is some atmosphere but it is wasted as the kitchen sink drama bogs the plot down. Ben has bad dreams and needs to mellow. But no Ben trips balls and builds a wall of crazy. Ben becomes convinced the fragile gamekeeper is a murderer and that his family are having an indulgent rot somewhere.

Ben dispenses morally absolute bon mots and is awful to his wife and son. This film was laughably inadequate. Things go very wrong for Ben as there is death, incoherence, screaming and sexual assault as drama.

Best Lines:
“I made a terrible assumption.”

“Please stay away.”

“Puzzle of the past.”

“Are you a vampire now?”

“You need to leave.”
“No, you do. You don’t love him. You tolerate him.”

“He doesn’t love you either.”

“You’re making jam.”

“I am on to you!”

“What have you been doing out here?”

“Pissing it down.”

“Roman bogs.”

“How are you?”
“Horribly hung-over.”

“She was a cheap whore.”

“I’ll listen to anything when it’s about a man who likes to play with my son in the woods.”

“He’s better now. Thank god.”

“Some people are better off apart.”

“They do tend to like proof.”

“If they try to speak to you, run away.”

~
A Bunny’s Tale (1985)
A dramatization of Gloria Steinem’s undercover job at the NY Playboy Club. Stars Kristie Alley, Cotter Smith, Deborah Van Valkenbugh, Joanna Kerns, Delta Burke, Mary Woronov and Diana Scarwid. This was good.

The Man With Two Brains (1983)
Naff and not so funny.

Constantine (2005)
Over-heated.

Assault On Precinct 13 (2005)
Awful remake.
Tags: movie review, musketeers
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