Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark (1988)
In this annoying gimmick movie, cheap horror hostess Elvira ends up in a small conservative town when her great aunt dies. Elvira needs $50,000 to finance her Las Vegas stage show but all she gets is a house, a dog and a book. Her evil uncle (W Morgan Sheppard) and his pervert minion (Jeff Conaway of ‘Babylon 5’) are out to get her.
The local kids are fascinated by her but the town harridan (Edie McClurg) plots against her. Elvira bangs the local himbo Bob to the horror of his ex Patty. Cue sex jokes, magic, an orgy and an attempted witch-burning. This was amusing in places especially Kurt Fuller as yet another local pervert but Elvira is a tiresome annoying idiot.
Best Lines:
“Pinko heavy metal weirdoes.”
“I never laid a hand on those sheep so help me!”
“Here, you forgot your axe.”
“Your famous tic tac pie.”
“Is this face taken?”
~
Phenomena (1985)
A girl goes to school in Switzerland. She can control insects and there have been horrible murders. This stars Jennifer Connelly and was directed by Dario Argento. This has a swimming pool full of rotting corpses, a chimp waving a razor, flies, Donald Pleasence and Patrick Bauchau and was crap.
Snakes On A Plane (2006)
Crap, good theme song though.
Zulu (1963)
I don’t care.
Lambada (1990)
Blade is a teacher by day and a teacher by night.
The Aristocats (1970)
Dull animation.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Okay.
The Neverending Story (1984)
Horrible.
Rain Man (1988)
Terrible.
Nosferatu The Vampyre (1979)
Klaus Kinski stars in this over-stylised vampire flick.
Over Her Dead Body aka Enid Is Sleeping (1990)
An adulterous couple ‘kill’ the wife and try to hide the body. It isn’t funny and is reprehensible.
Necronomicon (1993)
An adaptation of three Lovecraft stories, not good.
Cat’s Eye (1985)
Three mediocre horror tales.
The Uncanny (1977)
An okay horror anthology, the best part is when a bullying bitch gets hers.
Child’s Play (1988)
Terrible.
Bride Of Chucky (1998)
Katherine Heigl’s old shame.
Land Of The Dead (2005)
Okay.
Diary Of The Dead (2007)
Functional.
Jason X (2001)
Jason in the 25th century! Lexa Doig stars.
Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996)
Pinhead in space. Jumbled.
Hellraiser (1987)
Cheap, nasty and scary.
Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)
Terry Farrell stars, Doug Bradley takes off his makeup and it’s okay.
A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
Heather Langenkamp sighs.
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)
Crap.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1978)
Amateurish and disturbing.
Wolf Creek (2004)
Bad.
Barracuda (1978)
Oddly creepy ‘Jaws’ knockoff with a real downer ending.
The Fly (1986)
Ceepy Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis grossness.
Pet Sematary II (1992)
Crap.
The Great Race (1965)
Forget it.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Crappy.