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Movie Reviews: Satan's Cheerleaders + Head Over Heels + Vanity Fair + 13 others

Satan’s Cheerleaders (1977)
From the director of ‘Wacko’ and ‘Lambada: The Forbidden Dance’ comes this tale of disco music, bad acting, ugly clothes and un-magnificently bitchy cheerleaders. A nasty devil worshipping janitor wants to get the irritating handjob girls. The moronic cheerleading coach is a moron, the cheerleaders strike ‘sexy poses’ and the Fonz like football coach is a greased up twit. They attend Benedict High in the town of Arnold. Oh ha ha, ha.

The four cheerleaders and their coach head off to a game but their car breaks down in the vicinity of dim-witted pom pom fetishist devil worshippers. The four cheerleaders hitchhike in their ugly attire, the creepy janitor lurks as does a bum (John Carradine), a monk (played by Charlie Chaplin’s son) and one cheerleader Patti is molested by satan in the woods. This was misogynistic putrid crap.

Sheriff Bubb and his wife Emmy (Yvonne de Carlo of ‘Mirror Mirror‘) lurk being wilfully incompetent slow witted white trash. The cheerleaders make locker room graffiti jokes and conform to the worst cheerleader stereotypes. They think Keats is what footballers wear on their feet. Eventually though the slutty cheerleaders realise they are surrounded by an incompetent devil cult. Budd and his dogs Lucifer and Diablo chase them as Patti, Sharon, Chris and Debbie do carnal simmering and show off their bold hold hairspray.

Best Lines:
“Pull her hair!”

“The big tough football hero fell down!”

“We’re having an orgy, what’s it to you?”

“When it comes to making men.”
“You can’t beat a cheerleader!”

“Please don’t do anything foolish.”
“I won’t.”

“God is number 1!”

“Pre-vert!”

“Let’s hitchhike yo guys!”

“Handful, yep.”

“There’s a dead man lying out there in the woods!”

“Where men are men.”
“And the women are glad of it.”

“She’s thinking.”
“Why would anyone want to do that?”

“Praise be to satan.”

“Let’s split up.”

“Crazy satan cult.”

~
Head Over Heels (2001)
A Monica Potter/Freddie Prinze Jr romantic comedy with models, dumb comedy, a non-murder and diarrhoea jokes yet it is oddly cute and funny.

Best Lines:
“This shirt makes me look like a heroin addict.”
“And not in a good way.”

“The look on your face. I used to see it all the time when I’d catch me Uncle Pete looking at me.”

“I got the limo at the Jackie auction; it’s totally bullet-proof.”

~
Vanity Fair (2004)
In Regency England, Becky (Reese Witherspoon) leaves school sporting a silly posh accent and looking for a husband. Gabriel Byrne lurks ominously looking like an ill tended compost heap. Becky’s bbf Amelia is to marry the horrible George (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers of ‘The Tudors’ and ‘Dracula’). George has obvious contempt for everyone and Amelia can’t see that nice guy (Rhys Ifans in a bad wig) loves her. People stomp around, at various times Becky and Amelia end up the embodiment of desolation but love saves them. George foils Becky’s first attempt at husband hunting so Becky moves onto being a governess to a burk (Bob Hoskins) and manages to marry his son (James Purefoy of ‘The Following’).

Ugly uncomfortable costumes are worn. An Irish wolfhound looms. George has a punchable face. Becky wants to climb the social ladder. There is comedy nudity and Amelia’s family is ruined. George is a bounder and a cad. Nice guy despairs. There is racism and Becky ends up married to George and widowed and a mother in short order. Becky has a son, the dug up looking Byrne ruins her and her husband abandons her. George’s son grows up to be a burk. Nice guy is only ever a friend. Becky becomes a 'card dealer'. Amelia won’t listen to sense and is rescued by nice guy. Evil toff gets away with being an evil toff. Becky gets saved by her lost first guy. Eileen Atkins, Jim Broadbent and Geraldine McEwan run around. This was iffy.

Best Lines:
“The less said about that the better.”

“Revenge may be wicked but it’s perfectly natural.”

“It has made him rich.”

“Keep your toadying until I get to a fire.”

“Are you trying to steer me towards an indiscretion?”

“False note.”

“It can be un-understood.”

“Marry an heiress and buy a peerage for yourself.”

“There’s nothing you can’t have if you will reach for it.”

“If you think it would be amusing.”

“My place? How kind of you to remind me.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“We’re ruined.”

“That life, finished for us.”

“To begin with, she’s not English.”

“What of honour?”
“Honour.”

“Be silent Sir!”

“What does everyone receive her?”

“We march in 3 hours!”

“Will you not wish to know that?”

“In my way I have loved you.”
“Then that is your misfortune.”

“You think I’m like him?”
“Very.”

“Your mother won’t wish to see her.”

“You have none sir?”

“You have no children.”
“Don’t I know it.”

“You can hardly lay that at her door.”
“Can’t I?”

“That little devil.”

We are both weary of it.”

“You trail wickedness and heartache.”

“We have all been fools.”

“You have no friends beyond this door.”

“It’s the women who keep the doors of society closed.”

“My wife is as gay as Lady Macbeth.”

~
Citzenfour (2014)
A self congratulatory liberal documentary about the preening smug faced Edward Snowden. This was scarcely credible.

Best Lines:
“I don’t want to get anybody’s door kicked in.”

“Solutions consultant.”

“I already know how this will end for me.”

“People self-police their own views.”

~
The Pom Pom Girls (1976)
Terrible.

Invitation To Hell (1984)
Satan (Susan Lucci of ‘Devious Maids’) runs a health spa. Robert Urich must foil her. This okay camp was directed by Wes Craven.

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
Dull, stupid and slow.

Soul Survivors (2002)
Crap.

Scary Movie 2 (2001)
Yuk.

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th (2000)
Okay.

Slaughter High (1986)
Turgid.

Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)
I like the songs.

Hard To Kill
Steven Segal plays Mason Storm who wakes up from a 7 year coma and kicks ass. Camp hilarity.

Terminal Velocity (1994)
Charlie Sheen crap.

Spy Hard (1996)
A Leslie Nielsen starring parody in which the villain is ‘Matlock’ and the line “I’m an unarmed man!” has never been so literal. Okay.

Transformers (2007)
Okay.
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