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Movie Reviews: Jessabelle + Gambit + Pretty Smart + 18 others

Jessabelle (2014)
A couple talk cute and there is a car smash not three minutes in. Jessie (Sarah Snook) is left emotionally devastated and the un-effortful non-ingratiation of doctors does not help. Her dad, Leon, drives her back to the bayou. Jessie is in a wheelchair and a nurse only shows up once. This was an unhurried observation. Jessie is shoved into her mother’s old room. Leon is all contentious mouth breathing.

Jessie uncovers obsolete tech, a falling down house, tarot cards and her old friend Preston. Jessie looks at videotapes of her long dead mad mother. This makes Leon madder. This was like a Virginia Andrew novel. Jessie has weird dreams and everyone has the acting ability of former pants models. This was ghastly and horrifying and not in a good way.

Jessie occasionally just lies where she falls. There is a ubiquity of crazy and this was merely annoying not scary. It was on par with pap like ‘Little Witches’, ‘Spirit Board’, ‘Cut’ or the ‘Prophecy’ movies. Jessie who looks like that girl from ‘That 70’s Show’ rolls around. She gets no physical therapy and takes a bath with her clothes on. But the dead are back for life.

Crazy Leon goes up in smoke. Jessie twitches like someone in need of methadone and everyone mumbles. Unfriendly types lurk, there is blubbering, stuff breaks and I’m thinking I should have watched ‘How I Live Now’ instead. Preston wades into the bayou and gets attacked. Jessie is useless and passive. There is a ‘twist‘, yelling, a secret and more crazy. This was a toe curling disaster with a stupid ending.

Best Lines:
“I see a very horrible death.”

“A big giant hole.”

“The bugs are eating my ass up.”

“You’re already dead.”

~
Gambit (2012)
Insouciant Colin Firth is an art expert and Cameron Diaz is a hick with a bad accent roped in to pull off a con on a vile rich jerk (Alan Rickman, who else). This was a completely miserable and riotously un-compelling film with not one iota of melancholy wistfulness.

Colin Firth gets punched a lot. His evil boss sleazes. Watching this is a slog and this is not dynamic or suspenseful. This was underwritten and lazy; everyone looks unwashed and bleary-eyed amongst the statement furniture. Unnecessary narration is irredeemably horrible and repellent and this was virtually unwatchable.

A po-faced second art expert shows up. There is no emotional bandwidth regarding the forged Monet the plot centres on. The duo is rough and angry. Why should we care about the absolute swine? This was grim characterless dirt. Everyone is the grossest hypocrite. There is product placement and no likeable characters with any sympathy or insight. Avoid.

Best Lines:
“Shame! Shame!”

“I am here to amuse.”

“Prat.”
“Wanker.”

“The medium is oil.”

“Bloody hell.”

~
Pretty Smart (1987)
Tricia Leigh Fisher (whatever became of her?) and future Oscar winner Patricia Arquette star in this horribly 80s film in which New Wave out of control Goth Daphne (Fisher) is sent to the AaWeiglby Academy finishing school in Greece with her awful sister Jennifer. The headmaster is a perv and there is sleaze, 80s hair, bad comedy, goats and a good theme song sung by Fisher herself.

There is pervy narration, sexism and Jennifer is a bubble perm sporting, romper suit wearing twit. She is befriended by Samantha who is a skank. Zero (Arquette) waves a troll doll, ugly uniforms are worn and Daphne wears scarves in her backcombed hair. There are ‘funny’ foreign teachers, Daphne is troubled and Jennifer is awful. Daphne spits chewing tobacco on the preens clique. The subs clique alternate between liking and disliking Daphne. Crawley the perv headmaster burns Daphne’s clothes in an oil drum.

Daphne gets revenge at a tennis game by wearing a two piece leather cat suit and having Greek men in tiny swimsuits strut around. A lot of neon clothing is worn. Crawley is running a drugs, porn and prostitution ring out of the school using the idiot preens as his own personal party dolls. A top loading VCR is seen. AaWeiglby may be located on Rhodes. Why? I’ve no idea.

Ancient ruins are disrespected, there is a lot of topless sunbathing, characters have idiot names, Daphne’s shallow love interest wears acid washed denim, AaWeiglby has a bizarre stripperific dress code, there is a dance party and a massive stereo. The preens and the outcast subs join forces to get rid of Crawley and cover up the pervert ring. Cue a party ending and absolutely no trauma or police involvement over the criminal acts committed. This was naff.

Best Lines:
“We are thinking about having her spayed.”

“New balls please!”

“Schoolgirls from hell!”

“I don’t want me to be here either.”

“I don’t know what the hell this is.”

“Who blew up all those balloons?”
“Goldcard.”

“Diet pills?”
“No real drugs.”

“The Ken doll who was doing PR outside?”

“More will be required of you in life.”

“She went to school here, a long time ago. Like 10 years.”

“Selfish stupid ignorant child.”

“Can become a normal functioning human being.”

“This transient lowlife.”

“I hear silicon melts when it gets hot.”
“Cram it scumbag!”

“Her lips must have been exhausted.”

“All lived happily ever after, more or less.”

~
Up The Academy (1980)
A ‘MAD’ magazine movie starring Ralph Macchio and Barbara Bach and directed by Iron Man’s dad. Crap.

Welcome To The Dollhouse (1995)
A tale of casual cruelty inflicted on Dawn the town loser who has a miserable existence. Ferocious.

Pretty Woman (1990)
Scuzzy.

Cabaret (1973)
Juicy.

Star Wars (1978)
Over-rated.

Dr Strangelove (1965)
Terrible.

Chinatown (1975)
Over-rated.

The Great Dictator (1941)
Muggy.

It’s A Wonderful Life (1947)
Crap.

Trainspotting (1997)
Filthy and deranged.

The Truman Show (1999)
Okay.

Don’t Look Now (1974)
Crap.

Top Gun (1986)
Crap and naff.

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
Hee.

Whiskey Galore (1949)
Funny.

Gladiator (2000)
Okay.

Clear And Present Danger (1994)
Full of meaningful grimaces.

Bad Boys (1995)
Crap.
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