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The Sentinel (1996 - 1999) 3x23 + The Flash 1x11 + The 100 2x07 + Wolf Hall 1x05 Reviewed

Sentinel Too, Part 1
The show was terrible but spawned legions of mushy fanfic based on non-existent subtext. Jim (Richard Burgi) who is a Sentinel rants whilst neo-hippy witchdoctor punk Blair who can’t act discusses animal-spirits and has mush mouth. Blair meets Alex (Jeri Ryan of ‘Body of Proof’, ‘Shark’, ‘Boston Public’, ‘Star Trek: Voyager’, ‘Dracula 2000’ and ‘Secrets In  The Walls’) who is also a Sentinel but Blair doesn’t tell Jim about Alex and her deep sultry voice.

Alex naturally is evil and wears pleather while some dude with 90s hair plans heists of outdated technology. Jim throws Blair out. An annoying Australian cop prances around called Blair “Sandy”. Blair overlooks the obvious fact that Alex’s presence is causing Jim to act in man-ape fashion. Blair is too busy being a martyr to think. Alex is a thief. Jim acts crazy but for some reason Alex is not affected.

Blair is selfish and lazy and babbles about territorial imperative. Alex the con artists/thief steals nerve gas. Blair whines about the plot mandated friendship failure. The only good thing that came out of this show was the ‘Gates of Hell’ fanfic by D.L Witherspoon. This episode has bad acting, 90s sfx, Alex makes a villain speech and ‘kills’ Blair and leaves him in a fountain and he just lets her do it. Not only is he an ugly little troll but he’s stupid too.

I don’t care about the cliffhanger, the bad acting or the sap. Damn UPN for giving us this crass, un-cerebral mess that is full of bile, an evil counterpart, Hannibal lectures, heterosexual life partners, logical weakness, weirdness magnets and no subtext. This was utterly utterly dreadful in every single way.

Best Lines:
“Like living with an evil stepfather.”

“Why start to disrobe in the middle of the highway?”

“I just need you out of here.”

“I know what you are too. Welcome to the jungle.”

“I can’t leave you alive.”

~
The Sound And The Fury
Wells walks around his glass house without anyone noticing until it is attacked by his former protégé. Evil protégé is Hartley who in flashbacks to two years ago mocked Cisco’s bad dress sense. Nowadays he has triumphalist hatred for Wells. Joe is an ass; Iris gets a reporting job and the annoying ass Hartley was disowned by his parents. Hartley calls himself Pied Piper and cannot act, at all. Cisco is stupid. Fons et origo. Snow, Cisco and Barry sulk over Wells’ secret which was that Hartley knew the particle accelerator was dangerous.

Iris is mocked by her colleagues. Wells may not be faking his paralysis all the time. Barry eye rolls. Hartley wants revenge for Wells firing him. Hartley is an unbearable arrogant ass. Iris tries to be bad ass. This dreadful boring episode had about as much depth as ‘Captain Planet’. Hartley tries to kill Barry. Will Snow stop screaming? Everyone forgives Wells. Barry still hasn’t visited his father. Joe has Eddie investigate Wells and search his house. Hartley is locked up. Why can’t Wells control his speed force?

Best Lines:
“We both know what you did!”

“A total moron!”

“A discovered attack.”

“Your evil hearing aids.”

“The real end game is almost here.”

~
Long Into An Abyss
Mount Weather does experiments. Jaha and Abbie fight over who is Chancellor. Where is Kane and why does no-one seem over concerned about his absence? Abbie won’t go. Jaha blathers about the City Of Light. Clarke will not shut her mouth. Clarke sees no correlation between her acts and the consequences thereof. Clarke spews anti-Grounders rhetoric, she needs a slap. She gets her bitch face from her mother.

Bellamy and Octavia have Lincoln tied up. Mount Weather wants to retake the surface so they plan to harvest the bone marrow of the 47. Octavia is given a warning. Will the Ark people stop grabbing guns? Why is everyone letting Finn away with his crap? Grounders don’t know CPR?

The Grounders mass. Jaha bristles. There is sap and pretty people with good hair having problems. The Commander has a throne. Clarke won’t apologise for her sins. There is hysteria and excessive eye makeup. The Mount Weather president says no to killing the 47 for their bone marrow but nobody listens. There is abhorrent carry on. The fact Mount Weather created the Reapers becomes common knowledge. Everyone is unsettling stupid. Finn must pay for his sins and people won’t be entirely happy.

Best Lines:
“Science takes time.”

“I call that sacrifice.”

“This is not our home, it’s theirs.”

“The right choice is to live.

“I’m tired of puking.”

“No. Are you through yet?”

“No one escapes the Mountain.”

“Did she die well?”
“Yes.”

“Some concrete coffin.”

“We are the keepers of history.”

“Our truce begins with his death.”

~
Crows
It is 1535 and Cromwell sits beside the King, they eat off of metal bowls. No forks though. Henry dozes off, Weston sneers. Jane Seymour is boybait. Henry aggressively pursues Jane whose earnest gullibility has vanished. Cromwell visits Katherine of Aragon; sadly unlike in the book he does not get to blame the Reformation on her stubbornness. Jane Parker-Boleyn is a false dissembling harlot. Anne’s dog dies and nobody cleans up the mess. Anne has a dwarf who mocks. Anne is tearful and overreaching.

Anne rants like an anarcho-syndicalist. Katherine dies. Chapuys lurks. Henry and Anne carry crossbows. Elizabeth is an ugly toddler. Anne is vile and her bed goes on fire. Jane Parker-Boleyn is an unlovable loser. Henry has a jousting accident causing hysteria and screaming. Cromwell shows off CPR and there is foreshadowing. People plot the future and that usually involves murdering people.

Henry is done with Anne. Jane Seymour has no vanity to her or does she? Anne miscarries, again. Henry is ill-tempered and men lurk in shadows. Anne is desperate and dangerous. Henry yells at Cromwell in unsettling fashion causing Cromwell’s hands to shake. Men with beards sneer. Who are they again? Henry gets over his temper tantrum long enough to tell Cromwell to get rid of Anne. As for Anne? Her ‘friends’ do her no favours at all. This was very good. The court is a pit full of vipers.

Best Lines:
“If he attempts anything on your person, scream.”
“What if nobody comes?”
“Don’t scream. Pray.”

“Before I show his arse my boot.”

“You can only die once.”

“How is Boleyn’s daughter?”

“Well? Is she?”

“You’re never ill. Unless you want to be.”

“Nothing is secret from me.”

“Put down the burden of them.”

“The King wants a new wife, fix him one.”

“He’ll never abandon me! Never!”

“Feeling each other’s bollocks.”

“Shroud flapping.”

“At last, God.”

“It has been a long enough wait.”

“It will cost less.”

“Unattended by whom?”

“No one else will tell you either.”

“Allowing him to keep a whore.”

“He’s dead.”
“Ah.”

“Should we escape now?”

“Untouched by Christian hands?”

“Where is the Queen?”
“On the floor.”

“Me! Me!”

“Then she’s dead.”

“They’ll set her up as Queen and I’m dead.”

“My only friend is the King of England.”

“The Boleyns will walk on our backs.”

“Get away with you woman!”

“You Boleyns must all crowd in, whenever disaster strikes.”

“How dishonestly?”

“Women do such things.”

“What genius possessed her?”

“The virtuous and chaste Jane.”

“Anne has failed again.”

“The present Queen.”

“That’s what I’m for.”

“I learnt things about you.”

“It’s Anne you should fear.”

“CROMWELL!!!”

“Those set above you.”
Tags: flash, review, the 100, the tudors
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