epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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14 Movie Reviews

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
An utterly inept ‘spoof’ of Hammer movies. This had bad sfx, a vampire queen casting a silly curse and rampant misogyny. Add to that topless scenes, vapour wear, an obvious low budget and every whimsical want of the ‘stars’ being catered to and you get the worst UK horror film since ‘Out Of Bounds’.

This was badly lit, had bad make-up, bad sound mix and Matthew Horne, James Cordon and Paul McGann run around screaming. All the female characters dress like pole dancers. The 2002 ‘Scooby-Doo’ was better than this crap. Two manchildren (Horne & Cordon) meet a ranting vicar (McGann) and kill vampire skanks with implants who can‘t enunciate. Add to that a sheep in a pub, a VW bug, caked on make up and bad acting and one needs to reclaim one’s mental state after watching this.

A gay werewolf sets up a sequel, McGann vanishes from the film without explanation and hopefully there will be a long and uncertain wait before a britflick as bad as this pops up again. Viewers should be deterred by the sexism, awful characters and sheer ineptitude of this terrible film. This was obviously made by people who think lewd acting, violence against women and vomiting is funny.

Best Lines:
“A curse most vile.”

“Unholy harpy!”

“He had it coming.”
“He was 7! You’re a children’s clown!”

“Smells like normal air with cow s##t in it.”

“It’s like some sort of medieval gay bar.”

“Run you bellend!”

“Hell whore heart.”

The Ninth Gate (1999)
This Johnny Depp vehicle is a horrible mangling of the great novel ‘The Dumas Club’. The movie ditches 70% of the plot, miscasts all the characters, ramps up the camp, hysteria and sexism and makes the novel’s creepy subtle ending OTT and ridiculous. You never thought the hunt for a book that could summon up Lucifer could be so bad.

Best Lines:
“I’ve a great deal of money.”
“I’m very happy for you.”

“Went to the stake for it.”

Working Girl (1988)

XXX (2002)
Vin Diesel does boring stuff.

In & Out (1997)
Remember when Kevin Kline had a career? Me neither.

The 6th Day (2000)

Signs (2002)
Actually decent.

Daredevil (2003)
Bullseye and his “more peanuts” line are the best things in this.

Three Kings (1999)
Will George Clooney stop trying to be a movie star?”

The Village (2004)
Joaquin Phoenix needs to go away.

The Crow (1993)
Brandon Lee’s okay horror.

On Deadly Ground (1994)
See Steven Seagal kill his career stone dead.

Deep Impact (1997)
Tea Leoni dies and Robert Duvall brings class.

Lake Placid (1999)
Okay giant crocodile in a lake movie.
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