epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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5 Movie Reviews

C.H.U.D II: Bud The Chud (1988)

Dial M For Murder (1954)
A gold-digging tennis bum decides to rid himself of his meal ticket wife (a bored looking Grace Kelly). It doesn’t work out. This lacked interest, talent or nuance.

L.A. Confidential (1997)
Based on the James Ellroy novel. In 50s LA, sleazy cop Vincennes (Kevin Spacey) is an advisor to ‘Badge of Honor’ star (Matt McCoy) while working with Hush-Hush reporter (Danny Devito) to bust hopheads like some dude (Simon Baker). Meanwhile snotty self righteous trend-shifter Exley (Guy Pearce) wants to clean up the LAPD and he dislikes the fearsome White (Russell Crowe) who is protected by the Irish captain (James Cromwell). White likes the ho (Kim Basinger) and mafia type Cohen (Paul Guilfoyle) lurks. This was all booze, grit ostensible noir. Exley has self-determination; White has a piercing stare and sweats in a vest. Hardboiled dialogue is uttered, Vincennes overdoes the hair oil, there is a diner massacre and Exley earns notoriety for being a smug git. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“He kills dozens of people a year.”

“Hopheads prowl for marijuana.”

“White’s a mindless thug.”

“Your adherence to violence.”

“In desperate needs of re-education in the ways of polite society.”

“The great jerk off case of 1953.”

“Whatever you desire.”

“I’ve got a hot date.”
“Yeah? Who is she and what did you arrest her for?”

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)
This urine coloured collection of random scenes strung together was dross. There’s a transformer on the moon, humans are formulating a response to transformers running around and there is a laid-back aura of gay jokes, sexism and racism. This was un-productive and unfulfilling. No wonder the actor who played Sam had a violent psychological meltdown and went off to wallow in ennui and isolation.

Bay is a cancer on Hollywood and the horrible truth is, he’ll keep on getting away with his malignity. Various ‘stars’ take part in this non-compelling torpor which is full of clamminess as all dignity falls away. This was insufferable self-absorbed movie making in which robots are either yak yak yaking or humans are ranting irrationality. This was ramshackle, soulless crap in which women are treated as meat. It’s all emblematic of a larger structural problem - this movie makes no sense. The male characters are all horrible while female characters dress and are treated like whores and the acting is equally terrible. Yet they made a 4th one. Sigh.

Best Lines:
“I feel safer when I sleep with a hand grenade.”

“Ambush journalism.”

That’s My Boy (2012)
In 1984 gawky tween Donny is abused by his teacher who conceives a son. Everyone thinks this is awesome and makes Donny a sex god. Years pass and Donny (Adam Sandler - who else?) is a loser who drinks, screws, parties and suffers no consequences for anything. His son Han Solo (Andy Samburg) wants to get married and be respectable. But his dad shows up to party, hang out with Vanilla Ice and act like the 80s never ended. Cue sexism, Peter from ‘Heroes’ running around naked and horrendous sexual politics. This was just wrong on every level.

Best Lines:
“Are you back on drugs?”

“You haven’t paid taxes since 94.”

“A show on 80s train wrecks.”

“I gave you a snake!”
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