epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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epiphany_maria

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Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (1990 - 1993) 1x03 + Sleepy Hollow 1x09 - 1x13 Reviewed

Power Plan
I loved this show back in the day. But with the nostalgia goggles off, it is easy to see what it is. A ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ knock-off with bad acting. Still it had the ‘bully’ Kubiak, the principle Miss Musso whose screech can break windows, her lackey the hipster Frank and the immortal line: “synchronise Swatches.”

Parker (Corin Nemec of ‘SG1’ and ‘The Stand’) wears loud shirts and is the premier high school hustler. His two lackeys follow him around in standard 90s attire and wave rolodexes. New boy Matt Stiles wants to displace Parker as the most popular boy in the school and steals Parker’s friends and his girl Donna -Sue. The bully Kubiak (Abraham Benrubi of ‘George of the Jungle’, ‘Twister’, ‘ER’ and ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’) talks in Hulk speak. Everyone has 90s hair and there are 90s pop culture references.

Parker’s parents (his dad is played by Tim Stack!) run a video store. Most of the cast have faces like a robber’s dog. Matt (Kevin Wixted) gives a motive rant for his hatred of Parker, he has a point. Parker’s sister Shelly also hates Parker’s iconoclasm and protagonist centred morality. Parker has the school turn into a mob that chases Matt. The mob includes a guy in a wheelchair and a guy in a wife beater that shows off his nipples. It is implied that Kubiak eats Matt. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Missing biology frogs found in Sloppy Joes.”

“In fact a flesh eating werewolf.”

“A girl you reveal troop movements to.”

“Thank you for the homework you faxed.”

“Your days in natural sunlight are numbered.”

“Find me someone to expel.”

“Who does this guy Matt think he is? Ferris Bueller?”

“Cool it Jer, they’re deciding your future.”

“Delivering food to shut-ins.”

“A Keith Richards bus tongue thing happening.”

“I’m a second banana now?”

“Check kool-aid for fermentation.”

“You were the Christ--child. I hate your guts Parker.”

“Unstable psychotic.”

“I thought you were my friend.”
“First mistake!”

“Jerry bad! Bad boy! Eat now?”

“They don’t come any dumber.”

“Lunch gone! Still hungry!”

~
Sanctuary
A troubled house has a devouring ivy monster or something. Crane is irked and rueful. This ep looks wonky for some reason. Captain Irving’s eyes bug out. There is more Crane family drama in unwanted flashbacks. The haunted house is not major event drama. Crane does his bumbling chaotic idealist act. Crane and Abbie don’t refer to the Horseman by name. The ivy monster looks like Groot. Jenny bores. Abbie’s trend proof ex is not around. The Horseman plotline has been vigorously disrupted; I did not savour this ep. Crane does not like the Irish.

Irving’s ex and daughter show up to be vehemently awful and distracting. I don’t care about Crane's emotional conflict or the Irving sentimental bollocks which has about as much depth as a glove box. This week’s turgid revelation is that Katrina had a baby and lied about it. Crane loses lucidity. ‘Grosse Pointe’ was better than this.

Best Lines:
“Looks haunted.”

“The pilgrims didn’t have any sugar to make a sauce let alone a pie.”

“It would have been a miracle for a single half-starved pheasant to trot past during such harsh winters.”

“Why is she our concern?”

“All haunted and with crows.”

“Something terrible happened here.”

“Heed my words. Do not follow me.”

“I know who you serve.”

~
The Golem
Crane is obsessed over his long lost son. Anyone taking bets that the baby wasn’t Crane’s? Crane looks up Henry to contact Katrina who is a lying liar who lies. Katrina’s coven The Sisterhood Of The Radiant Heart turned on her apparently. I’m tired of the Crane family drama. John Noble overacts as Henry. There is foreshadowing. A doomed librarian (Kathleen York of ‘Vengeance Unlimited’) knows stuff. Irving’s ex and child linger. Crane helpfully informs us that in his day a toilet was called a vanity cabinet. How did Crane know the name of Katrina’s coven? There are cfd flashbacks, again.

There is a rip-off of the Denzel Washington movie ‘Fallen’. The ep was infuriating. Who cares about Crane’s son, the golem, witches or Crane’s latest tantrum and self deception over his lying trash wife? The preponderance of cfd is causing the interest to seep out of this show.

Best Lines:
“No food until penance.”

“Discovered the truth strength of his power.”

“It reeks of anger and pain and death.”

~
The Vessel
Where did the polygraph guy from 1x01 go? Moloch wants George Washington’s bible. Irving has uncertainty. It is revealed that Jenny was once possessed and now the demon has possessed Macey Irving. This had sap and unwarranted aggression. I don’t care about the gamine in peril or the interloping demon. This was not interesting.

Best Lines:
“What’s a priest supposed to do? Get the perp to repent?

“Thanatos, the Hellenic demon of death.”

“A French lantern from the time of Louis XIV.”

“End-of-days fanatics.”
“Meaning they believe in the coming Armageddon. Sensible folk.”

“Guess those social workers were right.”

“The fetid stench.”

~
The Indispensable Man/Bad Blood
Andy lurks. Crane whines. George Washington pops up as a zombie. The fallout from 1x11 falls on Irving. This show’s dynamic has gone off the rails. The ineradicable stench of John Noble’s overacting is upon this show. Andy’s gooey and yelling. Henry, Abbie and Crane prance around. Crane’s desire for Katrina supersedes all reason.

There is disingenuous sneering, historical revisionism and a slow convergence of boredom and disinterest. Andy’s dead or is he? Irving is deadlocked ideologically and under arrest. Crane is obsessed by the cfd. Crane is not endlessly reflective and is an ass. Moloch the rubber demon menaces. Crane stumbles into a historical re-enactment group for some reason. The Horseman of War shows up.

Where is Luke? Katrina ruins and according to season 2 spoilers continues to ruin the show. Crane recalls his dad (Victor Garber). Crane gets his bitch wife out of purgatory by leaving Abbie there in her place. Crane is a liar and a foul little jerk. This show has gone off in a ditch. Abbie is trapped in a dollhouse in purgatory with no escape, no death, no rest and no light. Screw the Cranes.

Katrina’s ‘powerful magic’ seems non-existent. The mutually dependant Cranes suck the life out of every scene. The Headless Horseman FINALLY returns to attack Jenny. There is an eclipse. Katrina is useless and Henry was EVIL ALL ALONG. Well duh. The reckless Crane and gruff Abbie have been manipulated all season long. Henry is the Horseman of War. The ‘dramatic reveal’ is spoiled by the fact the director will not declutter the shot. Henry babbles on and on and on about Revelations, how he is the long lost Crane baby and his obfuscating villain rant just won’t end.

TPTB ‘redefined’ the show in season 2 and ruined it. Anyway Crane and his moral equivalences bore. There are multiple cliff-hangers due to the idiot Cranes and their cfd. Idiots fell for Henry’s long con and their selfishness created the Horsemen of Death and War. I’m done.

Best Lines:
“Dead warlock with a security system.”

“Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves, if you let them.”

“Should something be happening?”

“We will have a problem.”

“It’s quite dire.”

“That’s one way to enter a room.”

“Dad would be drunk, mom talking to the silverware.”

“A chain of unbroken purpose.”

“I felt the pain of your shunning once before. And I loved you none the less.”

“Why would someone want to hide an abandoned church’s name?”

“A purpose to her pain.”

“You survived the death hex.”

“You cannot fathom how meaningless your words are to me.”

“War isn’t coming to Sleepy Hollow. It’s been here waiting all along.”
Tags: review, sleepy hollow
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