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Movie Reviews: Angel (1984) + many others

Angel (1984)
The infamous poster makes it look like exploitive poverty porn but this drama is actually strangely enjoyable and watchable. Molly is a high school honour student by day and a Hollywood hooker by night. Her two worlds are about to collide, it’s her choice, her chance and her life. This cult classic hit spawned three flop sequels ‘Avenging Angel’ (1985), ‘Angel III: The Final Chapter’ (1988) and ‘Angel 4: Undercover’ (1993).

Molly attends her private prep school in LA with her hair in pigtails. She is wholesome, shy and studious. By night she transforms into Hollywood Boulevard street prostitute Angel. She never seems to turn any tricks but earns enough to feed and clothe herself and also pay rent and her school fees. All this is because her father left 9 years ago and her mother ran off 3 years ago. On the street she hangs with an ageing movie cowboy (Rory Calhoun), street performer YoYo, transvestite Mae (Dick Shawn, he played LSD!) and her fellow hookers. But a crazy serial killer (John Diehl of ‘Madhouse’) is on the loose. A world weary dedicated cop Andrews (Cliff Gorman) investigates.

The cops seem apathetic about the underage Angel being on the game. The killer sucks on eggs. There is no sociological relevance just abandonment and moral corruption. Also the scenes on the Boulevard at night make it look exciting and fun. Molly lies about her mother being an invalid to avoid suspicion and awaits her father’s return. She is in denial about the underclass being dangerous and hellish as she does her homework in the motel lobby in-between tricks.

This has bad acting and the lead actress is stiff and not particularly engaging. Molly has an irritating propensity towards ignorance and obtuseness. She seemingly has never been arrested, used drugs or contracted an STD. Her crazy landlady Solly covers up for her. Ugly 80s attire is worn. Molly becomes the subject of attention for the unsavoury killer. Molly has an annoying persistence to be hopelessly vacuous and cringe-inducingly dumb.

Andrews is an absolute straight man and determines to get Angel off the streets. Ethics are shouted down unto Molly via righteous men. The dialogue is puerile. Molly’s insufferable classmates find out about her secret life and one offers her $23 for a ‘date‘. Molly resists all efforts at help fearing foster homes. Molly is shrewy, weak willed and maniacal. This has comedy, sanctimonious shaming, scandalously disrespect, a visual appreciation deficiency and overwritten and overwrought melancholy. It’s so okay its average.

The mostly mute killer disguises himself as a Hare Krishna so Molly gets a gun and gives chase. There is a gunfight and snivelling. The non-labyrinthine narrative has no real happy ending.

Best Lines:
“Now it’s a toilet.”

“She loved your soup.”
“So does that bum.”

“100 proof milk.”

“If a tidal wave hit the street, the hookers would bob up like a bunch of corks.”

“You’re swimming around in a toilet bowl!”

“You know what happens to used up whores?”

“I ain’t going to no retirement home!”

“The tomb for the unknown hooker.”

“Remind me never to get murdered.”

“I put on some sexy clothes and high heels and went out and made a living.”
“Jesus Christ!”

“Show us your whisker biscuit.”

“She’s a whore and she’s hooking on Hollywood Boulevard.”

“Looks like an organ-u-tan’s been sitting on your face all night.”

“I don’t mind the smoke but your breath is behind it.”

“Eat my puff!”

“What are you doing?”

“You okay?”

The Seventh Seal (1957)
Max Von Sydow plays chess with death. Good.

Casino Royale (2006)
Daniel Craig v Mads Mikkelsen. Eva Green is the ho. Yawn.

It Could Happen To You (1994)
Nicolas Cage and Bridget Fonda star in this annoying sexist tosh.

Sibling Rivalry (1990)

Maid To Order (1987)
Really terrible.

Taffin (1988)
Irish ‘action’ starring Pierce Brosnan sneering up a storm.

War Of The Worlds (2005)
This is derogatory Tom Cruise self-gratification.

Dirty Dancing (1987)
It’s not that good.

Notting Hill (1999)
Go away Hugh Grant and take your meticulous arrogance with you.

Stardust (2007)
Infuriatingly bad.

Presumed Innocent (1990)

Toys (1992)
Robin Williams starts in this unjustifiable crap.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)
The Donald Trump cameo is the best part of this querulous sequel.

Fatal Attraction (1987)

Miss Congeniality (2000)

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001)
Go away Daniel Radcliffe! Go far!

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Sexist tosh.

Cliffhanger (1993)
Goes downhill from the start.

The Producers (2005)
No dramatic effect.

Pollyanna (1960)

Back To The Future (1985)
Don’t think about the plot too much.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion (1982)
Where did you go Gerrit Graham?

The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Perennially there.

Back To The Future part 2 (1989)
Embattled frivolity and all is satisfactorily explained, sorta.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
An arrondisement.

The Snapper (1993)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

The Firm (1993)
I feel antipathy toward the designated ’hero’.

Me, Myself and Irene (2000)
Inexcusably terrible.

George of the Jungle (1997)

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Psycho (1960)
Reprehensible and full of craven men folk.

Gone With The Wind (1939)
The parchment skinned Scarlett makes the American civil war all about her whilst Rhett is a conquering thug hero.


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