The Imitation Game (2014)
This over-hyped film is full of forced pathos as insufferable genius Alan Turing is a forlorn bystander at a boarding school of horrors and then gets a job breaking the Enigma code in WW2 at Bletchley Park. This simplified tale co-stars Keira Knightley, Mark Strong and Charles Dance at their iciest. Turning has negative behaviour, his tale is told in non-linear style and his disgraceful end is telegraphed a mile off. This is gruelling sap but not very terrible. It is about on par with ‘Valiant’.
Best Lines:
“You fragile narcissist.”
“I only wish Franklin D. Roosevelt had lived to see this day.”
Deadly Manor (1990)
A crumbling mansion sees murderous hijinks and pathetic acting. Tedious.
All American Murder (1991)
A dude-bro is sent to college where he shags a married woman and It Girl Tally. Then Tally dies. A cop (Christopher Walken) investigates. Okay.
Best Line:
“Put that knife down would you? Somebody might think you’re a crazed killer.”
Girls School Screamers (1984)
Not a horror movie but a ghost story made by Troma. Girls in ugly uniforms catalogue art at a creepy mansion. A séance is held, bad perms are sported and this was appalling.
Assault (1971)
This is a UK thriller that sees women in peril, chases, catatonia, woods, sleaze, protracted blouse ripping, black leather gloves and the bug eyed killer is revealed under a pylon in a way that wouldn’t be out of place in a Benny Hill skit. Bad.
Quills (2000)
Lip curling sneerer Marquis de Sade (Geoffrey Rush) is locked up in a lunatic asylum due to his obsessive diligence about smut. The scion of an ancient, venerable and wealthy family is disgustedly perverted and into debaucheries in many permutations. He is a hated figure and under indefinite confinement. He writes with the help of a doomed laundry maid. This is an uncomfortable tour through the mind of a sex maniac. It is all institutional violence, a veneer of civility concealing vileness and a bad end for a Sadeian woman.
Skeletons (2010)
This is an unqualified indictment of UK cinema as two philosopher exorcists ramble around the countryside literally cleaning out the skeletons in people’s closets. Or something. This was unremittingly dumb and is avoidable. This was bad kitchen sink drama crossed with magical realism. The world building is unexplained, there is yelling, secrets, lies and characters wander in and out of shot with no indication of who they are or why they are there. Tuppence Middleton of ‘Tormented’ co-stars.
Best Lines:
“Psychic detritus.”
“Ta, for that.”
“The house is built on a corpse road.”
~
Ghost Ship (2002)
A luxury liner brings horror.
Final Destination 2 (2003)
Okay.
Final Destination 3 (2006)
Inept.
Sunshine (2007)
Terrible.
The Evil Dead (1982)
Crap.
Catwoman (2004)
Terrible.
Starsky & Hutch (2004)
Bad.
The Truman Show (1998)
Uh.
Lake Placid (1999)
Amusing.