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10 Movie Reviews

War Horse (2011)
This sap-fest was directed by Steven Spielberg and starred Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. This adaptation of the morose and melancholy play does not work. A farmer ignores the ubiquitous naysayers and sneers to buy a thoroughbred horse at auction. His son loves the horse to the horror of his dowdy, stultifying, mortifying, psychologically unravelling, crass mother. His father is not self-analytical. The son ploughs a field in the rain which is a grovelling low for him.

So much for studied understatement, I felt disconnected, detached and uninterested in this tale of a horse, a boy and ignoramus country folk with hard stares. There is pretty scenery and WW1 breaks out. The farmer sells the horse to the cavalry and the horse becomes the property of an office (Hiddleston). The horse, Joey, heads off the front. The local men head off to war as the villagers cheer them on. The son joins up to get Joey back.

During an ill-advised cavalry charge the officer dies and a posh prat with a moustache (Cumberbatch) is captured. Joey ends up with the vile Hun. An annoying French tween shows up to yell during a bizarre interlude. There is trench warfare. Joey’s horse friend dies. Joey runs through no man’s land - his destiny beyond his control. The sap is ratched up even more. WW1 ends and the horses that survived are to be sold as meat. The boy finally gets his horse back and heads home in a scene lifted straight from ‘Gone With The Wind’. This was dull and the real life Joey did not have such a happy ending.

Best Lines:
“Yes, I’s here.”

“Bugger off you tight bastard.”

“I wouldn’t tell you a lie though I would love to.”

“Good feet and teeth.”

“He’s a horse, not a dog.”

“You’re in the army now son.”

“Pull artillery until they die.”

“He’s my horse.”
“Sir.”

“A full practice charge tomorrow.”

“Be brave. Fear God. Honour the King.”

~
Darkman (1990)
Uh.

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While You Were Sleeping (1995)
A sugar rush of sap.

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Look Who’s Talking (1989)
Horrendously 80s.

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Talladega Night: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Very funny.

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My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002)
A one-joke movie.

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Volcano (1997)
A combustible non-erudite tale laden with connotations.

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Drop Zone (1994)
A sky-diving action movie with Yancey Butler. This was self-aggrandising and misaligned.

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The Mask of Zorro (1998)
A dude fights urban poverty with spectacular stupidity.

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Never Been Kissed (1999)
A Drew Barrymore rom-com that is proselytising.
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