epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Cheerleader Camp + The Vanishing + UHF

Cheerleader Camp (1988)
This was also known as ‘Bloody Pompoms’ and stars Leif Garrett and Betsy Russell of ‘Saw IV’ and ‘Roxanne: The Prize Pulitzer’). Five cheerleaders head off to Camp Hurrah with their coach and a fat pervert with a huge video camera. The fat pervert gets his ass stuck in a window thus signalling TPTB’s stubborn refusal to make a good movie. This has bad acting, nudity, a mascot dance off, sexism, ugly swimwear, idiot comedy and TPTB endorse the fat pervert being a peeping tom. This film has a bizarrely incoherent tone and is a pinnacle of ineptitude.

There are endless dream sequences, hicks and bad perms. The script is devoid of anything even approaching quality and at one point a rap song is performed for baffling odd reasons. Ugly cheerleading outfits are worn and there is no disturbing creepiness only unconvincing line delivery by atrocious actresses. Murders take place and yet they don’t leave. Despite this being the 80s Jill Schoelen isn’t in this.

This is not intense; porn music plays, the male gaze is indulged, characters are stupid, actors are wooden and this is not intense with piss poor direction, zero suspense, story gaps and general half-assedness. This film is insufferable and pitiful with an off kilter soundtrack. All in all this was diabolical and hateful with unintentionally hilarity. There is not one moment of weird unsettling nightmarish slow creep. This is a bizarre artefact of 80s crap. Shame so many inane films accumulated that decade.

This fuzzy camerawork terribleness is made even more excruciating because there’s no point, no originality and certainly nothing even approaching suspense, scares, cohesion, narrative flow or atmosphere of malevolence. One feels this crap started out as a tits and laffs ‘comedy’ and had the ‘horror’ element grafted on.

Best Lines:
“She won’t last.”

“Exit stage left.”

“Turn it off Bob!”

“You’re a mascot, not a human!”

“Put the head back on.”

“The nearest town is 1000 miles away.”

“What do you mean we, mascot?”

“Tag my ass.”

“Honey on her muffin?”

The Vanishing (1993)
One of the worst films ever made.

UHF (1989)
This was Weird Al Yankovic’s only feature film, thankfully. This film is 25 years old and still crap. George Newman (Weird Al) is put in charge of a ramshackle UHF station where he creates bizarre TV including a crazy kids show, a crazy wildlife show and a film ‘Gandhi II’. George has an enemy in an evil network affiliate owner (Kevin McCarthy of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’). Cue hopelessly dated technology and pop culture references, Fran Drescher and delusion of grandeur. This has no authenticity and is offensively bad and ghastly. This is a boring narrative constructed of opaque moral uncertainty, underachiever’s regret, over inflated egos, rapidly degenerating morals and is a morally repugnant irrelevance made by a lugubrious suffocating ‘star’ who peaked with ‘Fat’.

Best Lines:
“Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight loss programs.”

“He’s back and this time he’s mad. Gandhi II. No more Mr Passive Resistance.”

“Gun control is for wimps and commies.”

“Means about as much to me as festering ball of dog snot!”
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