Mummy On The Orient Express
There is death on the Orient Express in space. The whining bint Clara rejoins the Doctor for one last adventure. This starts out nicely eerie but Clara acts exhilaratingly awful. The Doctor ponders supernatural infiltration. Clara is just viscerally awful whilst ruminating on stuff. The Doctor inveigles. Everyone dresses like it is the 1920s for some reason. I could have sworn the voice of the Orient Express computer was Tim Curry but it wasn’t. Passengers talk about the legendary Foretold which if you see it means you have 66 seconds to live. This was good except for being reductive every time Clara runs her mouth and whines irrespectively. The Doctor figures out that everything is orchestrated and also figures out what The Foretold is. There are twists, death, a revelation and Clara decides to stay being a companion. But who was behind it all? This was okay but Clara has a complete lack of participation in anything.
“Mummy monster thing.”
“I’m very disappointed with your breakfast bar.
“Can we get a new expert?”
“And the façade falls away.”
“He knows what you are.”
Look Before You Leap
A hysterical woman goes off a bridge. Henry’s voiceover drags on. Henry claims bridge woman was murdered. There are flashbacks to 1945 and baby Abe and Henry romancing Cool Girl Abigail. In the ‘present’, Henry really is a dick, dies again, looks into a codex, a married professor shags around and this is just a bog standard police procedural. Henry and Jo are contentious. Stalker dude calls again claiming to have been after Henry for a long time. But Henry still finds time to solve the case in-between some ridiculous yelling. Stalker dude calls himself Adam and claims to be 2000 years old. This was terrible.
“Something I can’t unknow.”
“That word gets abused in our culture.”
“My name? I’ve had a few.”
Costa Rica is out, so the USS Nathan James heads to Nicaragua for monkeys. They’re in the jungle looking for monkeys and things jump out from behind other things. This ep was formulaic and nonsensical. Despondent infected types lurk pitifully. A wrecked yacht signals trouble but no-one pays attention until they stumble across inelegant types with guns. The yacht’s owner is a drug dealer turned tin-pot dictator. The plot falters and is full of anti-logic. Tex romances Rachel. The excruciatingly annoying drug dealer turned dictator needs shooting. The XO pulls a Kirk and this has no substance. The utterly loathsome and unlikeable dictator is finally killed off. Yawn.
“What we’ll be coming back to.”
“Your impotent threats.”
“This cannot stand.”
“We came to hunt.”
Monarch Douglas Bank (no. 112)
Remember that politician framed for the murder of a male escort back in season 1’s ‘The Kingmaker’? What became of him? Berlin menaces Naomi. Red’s daughter was in protective custody until she was lost track of. The bank nobody would ever want to rob is robbed, or is it? Liz and Ressler go to Warsaw. The Mossad agent lurks. Better questions need to be asked. People mutter about The Formula. Berlin’s money was in the bank and he growls. There is a twist and then another. Liz berates Ressler and spreads discomfort. The plot is incomprehensible and this ep was a mon-chrome soap opera. Where is Alan Alda’s character? Why is Berlin so underwhelming in the flesh? Why do women have no agency? Is there someone worse out there than Berlin? Red is playing everyone, again. This bored.
“Then things got contentious.”
“Five went in, six came out.”
“Yeah, big boom.”
“Enough with the pointing.”
“Spent her entire life chasing something that destroyed her.”
“That’s the sound of your cheques bouncing.”
“No you’re not, not yet.”
“I don’t have any friends.”
The girl lurking in the passages is Clarissa, Catherine’s bastard lovechild. Bash tries to protect his two young half-brothers, their sister Margot does not seem to exist in this show. Mary has no camaraderie and is full of self-martyrdom. Clarissa kills a slutty maid. Nostradamus seems to have walked off being stabbed. Catherine is acrimonious. I’m disillusioned with this show. Mary is a presumptuous and stupid fiduciary cow. A Lady In Waiting boffs Francis. Catherine shows her distaste and denounces. Clarissa tries to kill the little princes who are also her half-brothers. Clarissa is nuts and Mary bashes her head in with a rock. Francis whines about his lot and is a man whore. Nostradamus and Catherine plot. There is screaming and ridiculous action. Mary starts talking like her late uncle King Henry VIII when she plans to defy the Pope. This was utterly terrible in every way.
When the Queen is led out to the executioner’s block, throw this at her.”
“Her Medici money rotting France.”
“That side is yours.”
“Oh good, more sanctimonious talk from my self-appointed redeemer.”
“A landless bastard for a husband.”