Midnight Madness (1980)
Girls wearing boob tubes roll around on roller skates passing out invitations to a treasure hunt whilst bad disco music plays. Five teams of college students compete at the whim of Leon an unwashed hipster serial killer looking type who comes across as a creepy stalker. This is not ’Scavenger Hunt’. There are a team of fat bastards led by Harold and his room temperature IQ (Stephen Furst of ’Babylon 5’ and ’Animal House’). A team of nerds led by Eddie Deezen. And a boring team led by some blank faced wannabe cool guy jackass who speaks in a whispered monotone and whose little brother (Michael J Fox) tags along. This is so very 1970s looking.
Harold has shrieking hysterical rage, a huge car phone and a computer in his car that allows him to play pong. Beer drinking football players break stuff. Various idiots do bad acting. Leon’s handmaidens Candy and Sunshine worship him and have no agency. The treasure hunt has impossible clues. People wear white jeans, giggle and one character is named Armpit.
Leon is selfish. The cool guy jackass bullies his little brother. There are dated pop culture references. Harold is body shamed. People overact; cool guy jackass is an awful person and has forgotten his brother’s birthday. This is dated mediocrity with airport brochures, pinball, colour coded teams and a video game. People have serious discontent, brothers are fatally divided and there are moral messages.
The little brother is taciturn. This has about as much substance as a shopkins ad. There is cheating, an arcade fight, sex jokes, vandalism, property destruction, stonewashed denim, huge walkie talkies, domestic abuse and a cameo by Paul Reubens. It all ends with a party as the horrible squirmy annoying people celebrate being them. This was terrible.
“You could be a regular Burt Reynolds.”
“Don’t but Dad me!”
“My kid’s studying Venus!”
“Two giant melons!”
“Not my poor tires!”
“Leave me alone Kojak!”
“Bikers! Hells Angels! They’ve taken over the lobby!”
"Harold you beached whale!"
I Am Number Four (2010)
Another failed adaptation of a young adult novel. A blonde alien (played by the git from ‘Tormented’) romances Quinn off ‘Glee’. There is high school crap, endless darkness, fights, magic powers, a dead protector and a rock. This is murky, incoherent, glossy and empty crap.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Marvel’s latest offering sees a sexist jerk, a tree, a racoon, a “green whore” and a violent idiot take on two underwhelming baddies over an Infinity Stone. One is a purple floating Titan (Josh Brolin) and the other is a blue Kree (Lee Pace). I cared not. There is an orgy of violence, SFX, sap and incoherence in this stupid and indefinably boring mess.
“I hated you the least.”
The Great St Trinian’s Train Robbery (1966)
Train robbers rob a train and hide their loot in a building that becomes the new home for St Trinian’s. A hairdresser (Frankie Howard) has to send his two vile brat daughters in undercover to case the joint. But the grasping con woman headmistress and her delinquent charges are no pushover. This has outdated technology, creepy politicians who love sneaking around a girls school at night, sex jokes and was not funny sadly.
“Ordinary respectable kids.”
“Me and Monty’s getting groovy.”
“BBC bottle washer.”
“School? What the hell for?”
“You’ll have to dress properly and wash.”
“Followed by the Strip The Willow.”
“I’m not playing!”
“Be quiet Willow.”