epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Reign (2013 - 2017) 1x01 Reviewed

There’s something about Mary Queen of Scots in this wildly inaccurate show set in France 1557. Mary leaves her convent after her taster dies to go to court (which looks like Ireland) to met her husband to be Francis (who looks like a drug addict), the King (who looks like a poor man’s Eric Cantona) and the Queen Catherine de’Medici.

There is a lurker in the attic. Catherine de’Medici and Nostradamus plot in a cellar. Mary Queen of Scots who in this tale is not six foot tall goes around with unbrushed hair and she and her Ladies In Waiting wear slutty attire. Nobody treats Mary with any royal deference. Her Ladies In Waiting all have American stripper names when in reality there were all named Mary too.

The King’s mistress Diane and her bastard son Sebastian lurk. Sebastian never existed. Mary and her Ladies cake themselves in make up and wear sleeveless dresses to a Royal Wedding. Francis’ younger brothers are not seen or mentioned which is odd and as all Catherine’s sons would be King of France. Mary pets her Irish wolfhound dog. Francis is a jackass. Mary does not seem to have porphyria.

A Lady In Waiting relaxes in an anachronistic bath. Mary is in a moo over Francis. She gets a warning and finds a secret passage. The King’s daughter Elisabeth wears an anachronistic wedding dress. Mary scene steals at the wedding reception and then pervs at the public wedding night. The King shags a Lady In Waiting on a staircase. Francis doesn’t want to marry Mary.

There is no sign of Mary’s powerful Guise relatives or any mention of the fact that she was always more concerned about the English throne then the Scots one. There is a plot to defile Mary which is interrupted. There are rape apologists and foreshadowing of the scandals that would doom and destroy Mary. There is a brief glimpse of possible Musketeers. A head is choppy choppyed off. A Lady In Waiting retracts friendship.

Mary’s wedding is postponed compounding events. Sebastian and Diane plot. Mary’s recklessness and poor judgement is on display. As is her endless supply of Diamond Oil Shatterproof Shine. Events are compounded by various whoreish looks and wanton gestures. This was good, soapy and oddly compelling. But I don’t think French nuns played football and did a nun say Queen Mary I of England was a protestant?!?!?

Best Lines:
“I may not have been born with a crown but this country relies on my money.”

“Here’s the date. When I say so.”

“The opinions you can ignore.”

“How do I control a daughter in law who’s a Queen in her own right?”

“Colin said he’d wait for me.”
“Til when?”

“Alliances can shift.”

“You will sit next to the Pope’s cousin, he has no teeth.”

“My Page is there for a reason.”

“Do not go in those woods!”

“What a rise your people have made.”

“We’re overrun by Scots.”

“We’ve been engaged since we were six.”

“Love is irrelevant to people like us.”

“Gossip poisons too.”

“We’re disposable, all of us!”

“Every meal you’ve eaten has been tested for poison since you left your mother’s breast.”

“I was riding.”
Tags: reign

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