epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

Movie Reviews: Mr Jones + Sanctum

Mr. Jones (2013)
The trailer for this was really good. IT LIED! A couple lacking in strategic wit head into the countryside because the obsequious husband Scott wants to make a documentary about something. His maladministration infuriates as he stops taking his meds to the annoyance of his meek wife Penny. Scott is a profoundly corrosive, disengaged, under-achieving tool with no intellectual responsibility. He cannot conceptualise how his pathologising insouciance and callow fecklessness annoys.

The couple find a house nearby, the appalling Scott breaks into the creeper’s house and finds unsettling stuff in the basement which reveals that the creeper is famed totem artist Mr Jones. They plan a coffee table book or something. Penny gets clarity of intention, Scott heads to NY to interview random street ass about the portentously weird Mr Jones. Is Mr Jones misunderstood and misrepresented or is there something creepy about his creepy ‘art’? Why is Mr Jones either reviled or revered? Faran Tahir makes a cameo. Penny encounters the distinctive Mr Jones in the woods and develops ridiculous moral certainty.

There are knowing looks and various theories about Mr Jones. The couple break back into his house again. They have no concept of graduated response. Who assembled this footage anyway? Scott the poor man’s Bradley Cooper does something moronic leading him to have a prolonged nervous breakdown. This was unacceptably boring and crap. There is endless night, weird stuff happens, the found footage format is abandoned for the finale and there is more inconsistency and inconstancy of storyline. This had promise but was unsolvable crap and I feel aggrieved at being tricked into watching it.

Best Lines:
“Trading in your studio apartment for a bunch of trees doesn’t really change anything.”

“What if you came to the woods to find solitude, only you found out you weren’t really alone?”

“Extreme personality shifts, disappearances, housewives leaving their families and moving into the woods.”

“Don’t look for him.”

“If he comes near you, run.”

“There is a ladder and it goes down.”

“I DON’T WANNA GO IN THE WOODS!”

~
Sanctum (2011)
Didn’t ‘The Cave’ already do this? The dude from ‘Hornblower’ and other morons get trapped in a flooding cave while yelling, screaming, crying and dying amidst rising water and heavy breathing. There are hard eyes and a fight as well. They find a way out at one point and ignore it. This was a terrible cliché storm and looked like a syndicated show from 1996.

Best Lines:
“A meat grinder down there.”

“I’m guessing the bats didn’t swim down here.”

“Trust the cave!”
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