The Empty Chair
This BBC2 drama opens with yapping, an assassination via bread tongs and two dumb kids staring. 29 years later one of those dumb kids, Nessa, has grown up into Maggie Gyllenhaal. Cue weird opening credits, a suicide, mumbling, whining and Nessa spewing exposition about how her assassinated father was an arms dealer and how she has changed the family business into a provider of fibre optics. Nessa is idiosyncratic, resolute and an unequivocal nutter. She is made a member of the House Of Lords. Various sour hatchet faced woman loom. Nessa’s brother lurks in corners. Spy Sir Hugh Hayden-Hoyle (Stephen Rea of ‘V For Vendetta’) has a bitter ex and is being turfed out of his job. He purses his lips and stares. Nessa has secrets which cause her to drink, become hysterical and sleep in a panic room. There is a kidnapping and Nessa runs around dark streets yelling. This was boring as hell, ‘Hunted’ was better than this.
“Who do you trust?”
“We all have secrets.”
“We hide our secrets.”
“Eli Stern, the sword of Israel.”
F**k The Pain Away
Warlow claims he saved asstrash Sookie from being murdered by her parents. It is a shame the Stackhouse parents didn’t succeed. Bill shows up to annoy. Andy has only one daughter left alive. Tara swears excessively. All vampires have semi-functional insanity. Willa, Pam, Tara and Eric end up in the camp. Are we supposed to care about the consortium of fawning parasites who are murderers who would attack if they could? Bill’s transformation has him ranting about prophets; he is a silly tennis bum. Flashbacks to 3500 BC that show Warlow’s origins are ridiculous. Jason and Mrs Newlin get it on in radiantly boring fashion. Sookie doesn’t kill Warlow because she’s a moron. The vampires are all crazy and hateful. The shape shifters continue their remit to bore. All the naked asses in the world can’t make this crap interesting.
Jessica proves she is a vampire slut. Eric shouts, Pam is ordered to engage in meaningful conversation and it is apparent that vampires are scum. Terry regresses, Holly stops Andy’s macho revenge mission and Jessica’s murderous activities are covered up for some reason. This episode has all the emotional admissibility of ‘Caddyshack II’. Pam can’t do mimicry of being human, Sam is ad homien annoying and a solider likes she-vamps. Sookie holds a séance and her dead daddy shows up to rebut her stupidity. This was crap and I have no sustained affection for this show.
“You psycho freak!”
“When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”
“You’re tempting me!”
“Maybe god is Bill.”
“You’re a demon whore!”
“You have defiled it with your vampire loving pecker!”
“You are food, nothing else, not even good food.”
“Pain is a worthless emotion.”
“Haven’t you seen ‘Gladiator’?”
“Ignorance is bliss for a reason.”
“Listen up dead folks.”
“Thanks to you I killed many innocent men.”
“I wish you extinction!”
Where has Jack’s wife gone? Will does his Evil Tastes Good act and Lecter tests Will to see if he’s successfully crafted him into a killer. Will and Hannibal mumble at each other and both advise the FBI again. Lecter wears a silly hat, the brain damaged man from 2x08 shows up and the killer of the week has built a murder suit as he is some kind of killer furrie or something. Ridiculous dialogue is uttered deadpan. Quarry is hunted. Margot Verger is distant. Hannibal is innately awful and Will finally notices how many violent patients he has had. Hannibal manipulated the killer of the week into becoming a cave bear obsessed killer. There is still no mention of Chilton or Miriam Lass. Hannibal sends the killer of the week after Will. But Will turns him into a centre piece. This was a yawn and was desperately lazy, over dramatic, unnecessarily complex and full of petulant whining.
“Why not appeal to my better nature?”
“I wasn’t aware you had one.”
“I promised you a reckoning, here it is.”
“Somewhere, someone would have noticed this.”
“An animal born in the body of a man.”
“The Verger meat packing dynasty.”