epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: The Hills Have Eyes II + The Borderlands

The Hills Have Eyes II (2007)
The 1st film was an okay brutal remake of the nasty original. What happened to the survivors of the first film anyway? This film has unnecessary nudity, swearing and sexual violence. The military are on a search and destroy mission after the events of the first film. The mutant cannibals are full of spite, viciousness and sinister ambitions. Jeff Kober shows up for a cameo. Various idiot National Guards wander around to experience psychogeography, perfunctory plot and various terse, bitter and flat events in this repellent spurious sequel.

There is bad acting as the National Guard idiots end up among the CHUDs. The serried rank of the soon to be dead utter a script that sounds as if it was complied by monkeys banging away at typewriters. This is the sort of film that used to be consigned to the reject bin back when there were videostores. Whoever had the idea to resurrect this franchise should have their Hollywood cred rescinded.

The National Guard have no caution as the clarion clan deem them dinner. They find something nasty in a port-a-potty. Designated heroes Napoleon (Michael McMillian of ‘True Blood‘ and ‘Banshee Chapter‘) and Amber fight the CHUDs while emoting at Olympic level, various people are dragged off by the Fell running mutants. There are various successive preventable deaths due to the fact the National Guards have no peripheral vision and keep moving toward the weird noise. The grunting mutants are a nice beetroot hue and their stomachs are graveyards. The National Guards have no sense as they keep wandering off alone shouting and swearing in loud carrying voices as situationist predators stalk them in the murk.

The un-delineated characters scream and engage in incoherent fight scenes. The survivors have an uncertain looking future.  There is no new attainment in horror here. This was better than ‘C.H.U.D.S II’, but not by much. This was mediocre gore.

Best Lines:
“A stunning display of individual and group stupidity.”

“You are not Rambo resurrected.”

“If I had some steak on a string you’d move real fast.”

“Private crackhead!”

“You will take your dumps behind the cactus with the scorpions! Do you understand me?”

“Stupid bats!”

“We can fight em with rocks and rifle butts if we have to.”

“Sh#t man the barbarian!”

“They’re here.”
“Who’s they?”

“Private crackhead, fish it out.”

“I’m not sure God knows anything about this place.”

The Borderlands (2013)
This UK found footage horror film is absolute crap. Two hipster Vatican investigators show up a remote isolated church to investigate an odd event. The fat sexists wander around talking too much while acting like they’re in a ‘Little and Large’ skit. There is yap about Satanists. The priest is a cut-price Arthur Darvill type. The investigators observe and report and then the 3rd annoying investigator shows up. This was worse than ‘Hollow’.

There are weird noises in the medieval church, a dog lurks and the camera shakes in vintage ‘NYPD Blue’ fashion. There is a journal, radio mics and utterly ineffective characters who speak badly and this film is terrible. The characters fall over backwards to annoy. It is quite depressing how useless and bad this is. The morons are not up to the job and this is weak weak weak. The characters engage in conduct endangering life. They are meddling interfering idiots who whinge and are too dumb to do anything right. There is a suicide, a moron punches a hoodie, there is a silly pub brawl and yelling.  The trailer for this promised scares and was very misleading. Evil has a new form my arse.

The objectionable idiots are not attentive. Then the 4th investigator shows up. There is no spontaneity and they disagree loudly and their preconsigned ideas lead to trouble. Who complied this footage anyway?  This has an inconsistent tone and bad acting. Then the morons make a discovery under the church. A few scenes manage to get imbibed with dread but the ending filmed in 95% darkness with yelling and moronic decisions is laughably stupid. Avoid this inane crap.

Best Lines:
“It’s like the Middle Ages.”

“Do you mind if I smoke?”

“Dude, even so.”

“He looks like an agreeable local bumpkin type.”

“Pointy building with a spire on top?”

“Good luck with Edward Woodward!”

“Can you smell that?”
“It’s cows.”
“I hate cows.”

“This village, a painted façade. He lies beneath, ever hungrier for souls.”

“Dude, that was unnecessary.”

“The church used to be a pagan temple?”

“What is present in this place is older than the church. Older than Christianity.”

“No monsters, no devils.”
Tags: movie review, true blood

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