epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: Carrie + The Unborn

Carrie (2013)
You will know her name due to the iconic book, the 1976 movie, the 90s sequel ‘Carrie 2: The Rage’, the 2002 miniseries remake, the musical and now this utterly superfluous remake. You know how this story goes. Carrie (Chloe Grace Moretz) is bullied at school and by her crazy religious nut mother Margaret (Julianne Moore). But Carrie has the power of telekinesis and is about to be driven too far. Sadly this troubled production which was reshot, recut and given a new ending does not redefine the story and is not illuminating or exploratory.

School bully Chris looks like Snooki from ‘Jersey Shore’ and her friend Sue reads the air. Carrie is on outcast. This remake pays no homage to the book’s quasi-fictional take on the story instead it is a shot by shot remake of Brian De Palma’s version with way too much CGI. Carrie has no expectation of happiness and when she gets her first period in the school shower, Chris and her mean girl posse take salubrious delight in intimidating her. Sue develops a disdainful mindset toward Chris and her constant instigating of trouble and inert navel gazing. So Chris turns to her boyfriend Billy Nolan (Alex Russell), who looks like a 38 year old hustler for help in ruining Carrie.

Margaret has mad religious fervours. Carrie is pleading and self-conscious but gets no reassurances only abuse. Carrie is not safe anywhere. I was unimpressed by this inconsequential and vacuous remake. Chris and Tina are idiots, Tommy is a bland cut price Channing Tatum type, Billy has unintelligent cretin friends and even the teachers’ ferment trouble against Carrie. Everyone save Carrie is fixedly awful. Sue comes up with her idealistic atonement plan which Chris exploits. Chris looks like Wayne Rooney in drag and painted with Ronseal. Chris’ dad isn’t upscale.

Tommy takes Carrie to the prom and they are voted the Ewen High prom king and queen. Then Chris dumps two buckets of pig blood on them. How did nobody smell the blood? The blood dump looks like cherry coke splashing on them and is black. Also Carrie’s prom dress is pink like De Palma’s film not red like in the book. The awful prom goers laugh as the bucket lands on Tommy’s head. They just stand there and then the prom goes to hell as Carrie unleashes her powers. The prom scene is way too short. Carrie was harmless and now she routs all the bullies and enacts revenge by waving her arms around.

All Carrie wanted was inclusion; she heads home killing Chris and Billy enroute. But her mother is lurking with a knife because she sees everything Carrie does as punishable. This movie is interminable and crucially you don’t care about a single character. Sue shows up for no reason and she’s pregnant. Stones fall. The White Commission features for about 30 seconds and thankfully the director does not rip off De Palma’s famous final jump scare. This boring film should not be spoken of again, put it under interdiction.

Best Lines:
“There are no witches.”

“This is criminal assault.”

“No, never again, momma!”

“Let’s go inside little girl.”

“They threw things at me.”

“Go to your closet and pray.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are any of those girls good?”

“It’s too late to go back now.”

“Don’t ruin this for Carrie.”

“Let her have this.”

“What the hell?”

“Run her down. Kill her. Kill her Billy! Kill her Billy! Kill her!

The Unborn (2009)
A woman sees things, boring things. She runs around in too tight clothes whining and freaking out. This film has no aspirations to be good or even tasteful. Gary Oldman shows up. People emote in the murk and this was emblematic of all that is wrong with Hollywood.
Tags: movie review, supergirl

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