epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Underworld: Awakening + We Are What We Are

Underworld: Awakening (2012)
The 4th film opens with an exposition dump revealing that shortly after ‘Underworld: Evolution’ the humans became aware of the vampires and lycans and this went disastrously for the nonhumans. Selene and Michael tried to flee the purge but were captured. 12 years later Selene escapes from a cryo chamber (in which she was kept upside down and naked for some reason). She puts on her catsuit which was kept nearby for some reason and looks for Michael. Which is difficult as Scott Speedman isn’t in this film. A cordon sanitaire surrounds the city, Dr Jacob Lane (Stephen Rea of ’V For Vendetta’) lurks, vampire and lycan teeth are for sale and phrases like non-human aggressor and cleansing are part of the everyday parlance. Selene meets a young girl and a cute vampire named David.

Bond one liners are uttered. The girl turns out to be Selene and Michael’s daughter. Selene continues her chronic inability to show emotion. The vampires who survived the 1st and 2nd purges believe the lycans are nearly extinct but this turns out to be erroneous. Selene and her daughter have atypical bonding. The gobby David and his louche dad (Charles Dance) have issues. Lycans attack the vampires; luckily the vampires keep a chandelier full of weapons. The lycans are all CGI and huge. Due to the Kafkaesque nincompoopery of David’s daddy, David dies but Selene resurrects him.

After this Selene heads off to kill more lycans. After the shambolic 2nd and 3rd films, this was a great improvement. The vampire/lycan war has reached a new level of opportunism. So it is incumbent on Selene to kick ass. There is a call back to the bullet hole trap door of the 1st film. Michael remains AWOL. Kate Beckinsale pouts and David (Theo James) shows up to help kill lycans. And the girl proves she really is her parents’ daughter. This was okay, now where is the 5th film?

Best Lines:
“There’s no cure.”

“Arming silver grenade.”

“We need to flashburn immediately.”

“Put it back to sleep.”

“His throat was found over in the gutter.”

“What remains of them, yes.”

“It’s a blight of nature.”

“Your lycan lover, long dead.”

“I don’t recognise this world.”

“He was found hanging from his own ceiling fan.”

We Are What We Are (2013)
This horror remake is from the director of the uncouth ‘Stakeland’. Set in the Catskills, there is rain, a flood, staring and various locals in elasticated slacks. Mrs Parker dies in ridiculous fashion and her children Iris, Rose and Rory are left in the care of their demented father. There is muttering about Lamb’s Day and lots of close-ups of inanimate objects. A lot of women are missing in the area. Cue more staring. Kelly McGillis of ‘Top Gun’ and ‘Stakeland’ pops up as a friendly neighbour to the unkempt Parker clan.

The local doctor finds a bone by the creek. Sherriff’s deputy Anders fancies Iris. And Iris reads a diary that reveals the family’s dark secret stretches back to 1781. The Parkers are in servitude to a twisted philosophy even as it literally sickens them. Sadly this film was farcical.

The friendly neighbour is not wary of the Parkers who are obviously a backwoods cannibal clan of hillbillies. They make women into brown stew. The doctor finds more boiled bones in the creek and Anders find a tooth. The doctor deduces the Parkers have Kuru disease and decides to confront them. Anders is adamant about his love for Iris which makes his continued existence untenable. The bones continue to tumble out of their hiding place, Mr Parker’s crazy eyes get worse, repercussions for their procurement and murder of so many people comes sort of and the denouement is full of depravity. This film was an unfun monument to misery.

Best Lines:
“Is that in the Bible?”
“It’s in mine.”

“So soon?”
“It’s our way.”

“Don’t go where you don’t belong.”

“It’s just hot.”
“Blow on it.”

“Pot glow.”

“Did you eat my daughter?”
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