epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Da Vinci’s Demons 1x03&1x04 + The Americans 2x06 + Fargo (2014 - ?) 1x01 Reviewed

The Prisoner
Riario sits around showing off entrenched masculinity and being ostentatiously annoying. My expectations for this show have not been met. Lucrezia and her idiot husband nonchalantly grub around. Why does Lucrezia not baulk at spying and whoring? A prisoner blathers to Riario. Who is the prisoner? Oh who cares? Da Vinci comes up with the concept of continental drift and the new world. Da Vinci acts like he is on the sniff.

Giuliano manhandles da Vinci; he acts like he’d be happier rolling around vomit carpeted streets outside sordid gin palaces. Vanessa the nun turned artist’s model heads back to her old convent which is apparently dispensing demons. Lorenzo looks for the spy in his court. Existential nonsense is mooted at the confused convent and ‘The Name of the Rose’ is ripped off. This episode was very mundane and not substantial. Vanessa is afflicted by ‘demons’. Da Vinci doesn’t care.

Lorenzo’s wife Clarice (Lara Pulver) knows about the mistress and they have a propitious chat. Sixtus IV is a horrible father. I don’t feel incentivesed to watch this show. It’s all hot air. Roman lackeys lurk. Lucrezia frames someone for her spying. Leonardo invents the blacklight and hoots presciently. The concept of restraint is unknown to him. I hate this show.

Best Lines:
“You’re threatening me with a spoon now?”

“We want none of your assistance.”

“We live in craven times.”

“When you start licking paintings, I think it’s time to accept that the Devil is here.”

“You are a distraction. That’s your function. I will tolerate that.”

“You sheep biting scut.”

The Magician
Leonardo is desperate for approval from daddy. Botticelli looms. Leonardo wants to figure out Lucrezia by screwing her. Sixtus IV plots. Riario plots about an alum mine. There is a confluence of events. The framed ‘traitor’ awaits his fate. Lorenzo curtails liberty and sends an unfortunate servant to be executed. This is Laurenzo di Piero de’ Medici, called Il Magnifico.

There is a mention of Queen Isabella of Castile. Riario threatens Florence with occupation. Clarice wears period inappropriate attire. Leonardo obsesses over a statue and derides everyone around him with intellectually evasive dismissal. He tries to stymie Riario via meandering yammering.

Leonardo and Lucrezia have tentative sex. Lorenzo gives Leonardo a good slap. Riario wears sunglasses and a fedora. Leonardo builds cluster bombs and a giant crossbow. Leonardo is perfidious, Lucrezia murders someone and Leonardo figures out the Medici connection to the Sons of Mithras. This was rank, Leonardo is a terrible friend and wants to mount an expedition to the new world and is arrested.

Best Lines:
“Your brother is incapable of listening.”

“I’d rather have my testicles gnawed off by conger eels.”

“Mercy has its risks.”

Behind The Red Door
Claudia acts in an aberrant way. Oleg hurls jibes and makes implications at Stan. Oleg is presumptuous. Elizabeth and Philip break out the wigs, glasses and fake moustache kit to harass a repressive SEAL. It’s unsuccessful because the SEAL didn’t kill their friends. Claudia advocates murder. Stan has no eloquence. Elizabeth wants porno sex with Philip. This was clunky with such 80s pop culture references as: Afghan rebels, the Colombia shuttle, Regan, John Belushi, OCR, Contras and the Arpanet.

Philip is all conformist about the motherland, Paige acts in an impermissible way, the Jennings are given a compelling mission and Elizabeth continues to be sopliant. A noxious rich kid aide and a spy do it on cheap carpeting. Gaad is steadfast. Stan is mutable. There are expectations all round. The aide is offed. Porno sex is not what Elizabeth wanted and it diminishes them both. There is no understanding here. Nina plays Stan and Claudia reveals she stepped up. There is nothing really disturbing here.

Best Lines:
“I’m sure he’s going to take that news well.”

“Don’t tell me anything more that I can’t hear.”

“Blackmail however seldom leads to a happy conclusion.”

The Crocodile’s Dilemma
A demonic drifter (Billy Bob Thornton) blows into a small town. He gives the hapless Lester (Martin Freeman of ‘Sherlock’) the fortitude to rid himself of his shrew wife. The drifter also deals with the town bully. Said bully, Sam, is awful and has two idiot sons. All three are marauding monsters since time immemorial. The drifter’s influence spreads exponentially. The decoy protagonist police chief and his waggling female deputy annoy. Are we meant to care that Lester hammered his offensively loud, entirely awful, whining, whingeing old bag of a wife to death? She derided him one time too many. Lester should also take a hammer to his dour cantankerous brother. Fall fully into the psychotic abyss Lester! The drifter and his toxic philosophy and stony face entertain. The police chief’s pregnant wife subjects us to a barrage of stupid. Everyone chastises Lester, they all should die. An idiot cop (Colin Hanks) chats to the drifter, the annoying female cop’s father (Keith Carradine) stands around, Sam’s widow (Kate Walsh) looks like a porn star as she is all anorexic limbs, fake boobs, honey skin and hair extensions. Sam’s creepy lawyer (Brian Markinson) promises Sam’s pals from his crime syndicate will show up to sort things out. Everyone is ACTORLY. This was glib, facile and full of misanthropic flippancy.

Best Lines:
“Never knew what she saw in you really.”

“This is a man who doesn’t deserve to draw breath.”

“The two boys. Both dumb as a dog’s foot.”

“You don’t have the sense God gave a clam do you?”
Tags: da vincis demons, review, sherlock, the americans

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