epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Monsters 2x12+ Arrow 2x18+ Crisis (2014) 1x01+ Agents of SHIELD 1x16+ The Blacklist 1x18 Reiewed

Monsters (1988 - 1991) 2x12

Museum Hearts
This episode in set in a basement of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. A lech named Danny lures his slampiece Cheryl into said basement for a make out session. Then his other girlfriend Edwina and her frizzy perm shows up. Somehow they get locked in with the 2000 year old bog body of Cerrinwed. Danny wants the women to fight over him and is as rough as anything. This was grim with bad acting.

Danny falls through the box holding the Irish bog body after a futile escape attempt. Thanks to Danny’s blood Cerrinwed reconstitutes herself and bonds with Edwina and Cheryl. The hilarious seeming Danny uses this as a chance for more sex. This was barmy with heavy breathing. Edwina twitches and is unintentionally hilarious. Everyone has a whimsical reaction to Cerrinwed turning Edwina and Cheryl into witches by feeling them up.

No meaningful content here. There will be a continuance of ancient magic by women who look like North London housewives. The utterly unintelligent Danny and his delusions of grandeur is menaced by the women who suddenly sport burlap robes. Danny sinks even lower on the moron scale until they rip his heart out. Bodily seepage! This would be dramatic except this episode was populated by lumps of lard that don’t seem all that interested and had no genuine enthusiasm. Finally the trio strut off into the street as lines from the Scottish play are intoned. This was cheesy and why does Cerrinwed have a perm? Why was Danny so monstrously stupid?

Best Lines:
“Stone Age stuff.”

“I’m bleeding to death and you’re giving a history lesson.”

“Some minimum wage jobs for mindless cretins.”

“You okay?”
“As if you care.”

“Ends with the blood of man.”

Slade seems to have totally forgotten his wife and child as he spills a secret to Thea. Oliver’s stupidity is driving Roy to become a nascent villain. Oliver’s neglect of Queen Consolidated comes back to bite him. Isabel finally resurfaces and she has secrets. Moira whines and is opportunistic. Laurel believes her suspicions about Blood were junkie delusions. Oliver and Sara need to do serious atoning for how quickly they turned on Slade. Diggle is now a professional Oliver enabler.

Slade’s prerogative is to screw over Oliver’s friends and family which he does easily thanks to Oliver’s smug stupidity. Slade reveals he swam off the island. He has poise and dignity, Oliver does smell the fart style acting. Slade plays everyone like a fiddle with effortlessness. Sara is awful and needs to find a bra that isn’t two sizes too small. Moira and Oliver get conciliatory. Roy does not venerate Oliver anymore and Diggle, Sara and Felicity alienating him doesn’t help. Roy stomps off. Oliver realises he doesn’t know Isabel at all.

Slade gets his Deathstroke gear on to commit violence. Thea cries. Quentin is in trouble. Slade has visions of Shado. Felicity’s skirt is too short and Laurel gets told a secret too. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Do you keep it in a cool glass case too?”

“He is tied up, we are not.”

“What kind of island is this?”

“KGB. You taught me many, many things.”

“You’re a special kind of stupid.”

“What did you do to him?”
“Not enough.”

“I think you intended a different tone.”

“I’d say they lost faith in your leadership but that would imply there was any.”

Ballard High School in Washington DC is where the spawn of the rich and powerful attend. The kids are dropped off for a field trip via bad green screen. A rookie Secret Service agent, Marcus Finley, is on brat patrol for the son of the POTUS; his partner turns out to be in with a group of very well organised kidnappers. The rookie and one fat kid who looks like Chuck from ‘The Goonies’ escape. FBI agent Suzy shows up to assist as her estranged sister Meg (Gillian Anderson) pulls faces to indicate upset over her daughter Amber being one of the kidnapped children.

The whiny kids can’t act and don‘t seem intensely panicked over their situation. The impetuous Amber is banging her teacher Mr Nash (James Lafferty of ‘One Tree Hill’) and a scholarship kid is estranged from her nerdy dad Mr Gibson (Dermot Mulroney the git from ‘Copycat’ and ‘My Best Friends Wedding’). One of the kidnappers is Max Martini from ‘Revenge’, one of the anguished parents is Arnold Vosloo and Mark Valley shows up in flashback as a bad dude.

Everyone blames the First Son for the abduction. Meg is a billionaire CEO who makes bulldog chewing a wasp faces. Mr Gibson’s daughter has icy contempt for him. But it turns out the kidnapping is all his audacious plan. He does a wannabe gimlet stare as he ponders something. There is blackmail, a revelation about who really is Amber’s mother and no real clue as to why Mr Gibson is doing this and how he recruited a lot of people to help him. This was mediocre but had promise.

Best Lines:
“Put down on the soccer field I paid for.”

“Her parents are actual royalty.”

“All you did was make mom cry.”

“What have you done?”
“I don’t know.”

End of the Beginning
Garrett and Triplett return. Deathlok runs around. Various SHIELD types power walk. Why is Coulson giving orders? Blake and Hand lurk. TPTB just will not stop the glorification of Coulson and Skye. SHIELD makes Skye an agent. Why does Coulson keep endorsing her? Coulson sounds like he wants to have rock sleaze type sex with Skye. The gang of fools are after the elusive Clairvoyant. No-one cares about what was done to Mike. TPTB exaggerate Skye’s importance some more. Fitz and Simmons have annoying heady idealism.

TPTB have no concept of how the UK justice system works. Coulson makes constipated faces. Everyone thinks a man named Nash (Brad Dourif of 'The Hazing') is the Clairvoyant. Ward shoots Nash dead. Nash isn’t the Clairvoyant. Couslon and Skye are sure the Clairvoyant is a SHIELD agent. Fitz sneaks. Couslon yells at May and TPTB are autoexasperating this shows massive problems. This was boring.

Best Lines:
“We’re here for a vegetable.”

“Bet the Clairvoyant didn’t see that coming.”

“Who do you answer to?”

Milton Bobbitt (no. 135)
A freak in his underpants is known as The Undertaker and he is a broker of death hiring the terminally ill to be assassins. Liz is hysterical and onto Tom. Who is Tom and who does he work for? Who is the apple man? Tom and Liz renew their vows and Tom’s ‘brother’s Craig is invited. Meera is a secretary. Liz’s pretence of love for Tom wears thin as she gets Craig’s DNA and fingerprints and then beats him up for answers. Red menaces Craig too. But Craig would rather hurl himself out a window to go splat on the pavement far far below than reveal who or what Berlin is. Liz is awful and uncaring about the blacklister of the week. She is more interested in a mysterious key of Tom’s. Meanwhile Ressler stops the Undertaker by uncovering the truth about a corrupt doctor and a drug trial gone wrong. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Tell me about Tom.”
“I don’t know his real name.”

“None of it is real.”
Tags: 1980s horror anthologies, agents of shield, arrow, crisis, the blacklist

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