They just messed with the wrong Mexican.
Robert Rodriguez’s homage to 1970s exploitation films isn‘t as hip as it thinks it is. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a federale turned illegal immigrant who is set up by a creepy advisor (Jeff Fahey of ‘Lost’). Now Machete is on the run with various people chasing him and other people trying to kill him.
A corrupt Senator (Robert de Niro) lurks, a drug lord (Steven Seagal) whispers, the advisor pervs over his drug addict porn star daughter (Lindsay Lohan), an ICE agent (Jessica Alba) kills a man with her very very high heels and a taco lady (Michelle Rodriguez) has a secret. A priest (Cheech Marin) comes to a bad end, vigilante (Don Johnson) sleazes and Daryl Sabra and Tom Savini contribute to the violence. This tale of conspiracy and payback was grimly disjointed. Give me ‘Planet Terror’ instead.
“What are you going to tell him?”
“That does it; I’m sending you to a convent.”
“I don’t shoot anymore.”
“Machete don’t text.”
“God has mercy, I don’t.”
“You’re his type.”