epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Review: The Majorettes (1987)

Boom, Blood, You’re Dead!

Also known as ‘One By One’ this low budget slasher stars a bunch of no talent no names, has a synth score, features a skeleton in the titles and is based on a novel by John Russo. In the opening scene majorettes in leotards do a bad dance number to an awful 80s song. The majorettes look like they’re 30 and some look like they may be ladyboys. The perverted school janitor Harry pervs over their ‘dancing’ then he spies on them in the locker room as they take their tops off and their dialogue sets out various plot points.

Nicole (who looks like Emily Thorne) goes on a date with a nerd and tells him she‘s pregnant by Mace the local drug dealing gang leader. A loon in camouflage gear pops up and hacks up Nicole and her date. Vicky’s grandmother is nursed by Helga who is the evil mother of the perverted Harry. There is unsubtle religious imagery. The creepy Sherriff creeps. Roland a cop who looks like a 70s porn star correctly deduces that the killer thinks the majorettes act disgracefully but somehow can’t see the killer who is literally right in front of him.

The acting is terrible and goes beyond flat effect, the sound mix is bad and you cannot hear the dialogue half the time. The plot is full of illogic: Harry pervs on the talentless majorettes with binoculars (nobody says anything) and Mace and his gang menace Harry with machetes on school property (nobody even notices).

This tragically camp mess is not a parody, it’s just bad plus the soundtrack sounds like a total rip off of the ‘Night of the Comet‘ soundtrack. Jeff is the star football player. He dates Judy but also hangs out with Vicky and her bubble perm. Ugly 80s attire is worn. Jeff (who looks like Colton Haynes) can’t act at all and tells the cops he think Mace killed Nicole. Then the loon slits Barbara’s throat in her swimming pool.

Mace (Tom E. Desrocher - who displays the only acting talent in this film and seemingly never did anything else) is a Colin Farrell look-alike and hangs out in the world’s saddest titty bar declaring his innocence of hacking up majorettes. His gang members joke about the murder of Nicole and Mace’s unborn child to reinforce the fact they’re bad people. A Reverend rants about religion. Then Judy is murdered in the showers and Harry takes photos of her murder. Helga and Harry proceed to blackmail the serial killer to kill Vicky next so they can steal her trust fund.

At this point the film goes into vigilante revenge mode. Mace menaces Jeff and Vicky resulting in several deaths. Jeff heads home, grabs his M16 and heads out to kill Mace and his gang in a case of excessive retribution. This means the killer gets away with his crimes, the innocent suffer, someone else is framed as the killer, Jeff is left catatonic is hospital and seemingly all loose ends are tied up. This was really really bad apart from the disturbing final scene as the killer spies on some future potential victims.

This had a lously script, the actors never change expression, Jeff taking off his shirt and blowing scum away isn’t as creepy as it should be and Mace the only person in this film who can act looks like a 50s style delinquent. This is a pretty rotten cinematic turd, but it is so 80s and so without merit and bizarre that it is oddly watchable.

Best Lines:
“Your time to die has not yet come.”

“I will sell them all after you’re gone.”

“Some of the kids who are popular right now, they aren’t going to make it.”

“May she renounce satan!”

“Do you believe in God?”
“Not strongly.”

“Spirit outrageous! Spirit contagious!”

“That’s the deadline, get me?”

“If it wasn’t for my grandmother, I’d be an orphan.”

“He was a wimp and Mace was so wild.”

“Your parents aren’t home are they?”

“It’s gonna to be tough getting an accurate estimate on a time of death because she was in a heated swimming pool. She didn’t die of drowning though.”

“Shut up Margaret! Speak when you are spoken to!”

“Could have sent him to school on a drug scholarship.”

“They tried to nail my ass to a tree.”

“As if I’m that stupid.”

“I do not wish to know satan.”

“Sluts! Teases!”

“Mama’s gonna be mad!”

“Our asses have had it.”

“He got rid of scum.”
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