epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Dracula 1x04 + Elementary 2x06 Reviewed

From Darkness To Light
Lady Jane isn’t a very good vampire slayer if she can’t tell she is sleeping with a vampire who has no heartbeat. Speaking of which, if he has no heartbeat, then how do they have sex? Dracula’s accent is all over the place. A vampire minion of Dracula’s shows up to annoy. Mina and Harker fawn over each other, the Victorian equivalent of Katie Price and Peter Andre. Lucy looks like an anime hooker.

The Order of the Dragon wants war against the Ottomans for the oil. Grayson does crap with geo-magnetism. Is Mina the reincarnation of Illona? Does anyone care? The prat Harker reminds me of Charles Saatchi. Mina meddles. Lady Jane is a stick and is turned on when Grayson takes her to a female mud wrestling fight. Peter Woodward of ’Crusade’ guest stars as a General menaced by the Order of the Dragon.

The father of the man driven to suicide seeks vengeance on Grayson and abducts Renfield. Lady Jane nearly pops out of another corset. A vampire fight goes through some glass doors in a good scene, which was the only enjoyable part of this crappy ep.

Best Lines:
“Seems the Order Draco is more forward thinking than I gave it credit for.”

“A huntsman. A female of all things.”

“My wife died four centuries ago. I know. I was there.”

“You call this a success?”

“Flattery is a dull blade.”

“I could smell her stink on you.”

An Unnatural Arrangement
Gregson’s estranged wife (Talia Balsam of ‘The Kindred’) is menaced. A cute cop named Basken asks Joan for help. Holmes says marriage turns people into howling neurotics. Gregson has a stalker and his wife is a harpy, no wonder he did something weird to his hair. The plot goes down various dead ends before being revealed to be all about theft from excavations. This was crap; Holmes has a bad character and makes misogynistic comments.

Best Lines:
“Someone’s knocking over falafel carts.”

“He called me a bell-end.”

“I look shot to you?”

“You’re conscious, excellent.”

“Tea. Tibetan fried bread.”

“Feeling guilty about something, probably the hooker he picked up earlier.”

“No friends of any sort.”
Tags: dracula, elementary

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