epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: The Eagle + The Shining

The Eagle (2011)
Though this 140AD drama set in Roman occupied Britain has as much depth as a Diesel jeans ad, it is still better than Clive Owen‘s duff ‘King Arthur‘. In 120AD, a Roman Legion and their Eagle vanished. As a result, Hadrian’s Wall was built. Marcus (Channing Tatum of ‘GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra‘) comes to Britain, his daddy commanded the 9th and he has daddy issues. Also the natives are revolting. Marcus does a lot of staring and his uncle (Donald Sutherland of ‘The Hunger Games’) gives him a slave named Escu (the loathsome Jamie Bell).

Marcus and Escu set off to find the Eagle of the 9th amongst the dregs of Britain. A 9th deserter is located and Marcus learns the fate of the lost Legion. Which would be interesting except Marcus has the intellectual capacity of Ryan from ‘Teen Mom’. There is a chase, lots of fighting and protagonist centred morality. This starts out with promise but swiftly turns boring due to the moronic ass brain characters and their general uncouthness as well as their disgusting, offensive and repellent actions. Mark Strong and Douglas Henshall are in this somewhere.

Best Lines:
“I know a bad omen when I see one.”

“We’ve had reports of a Druid wandering the villages.”

“Better angry than dead.”

“Put your weight on him slave! Harder!”

“Honour lost, all lost.”

“No Roman could survive up there.”
“Has anyone ever tried?”

“Rome also did that.”

“They’ll kill you and me.”

“This is their killing ground.”

The Shining (1980)
This Stanley Kubrick film of Stephen King’s classic book is actually worse than the 90’s Steven Weber miniseries version IMO. The thuggish Jack (Jack Nicholson) takes a winter caretaker job at the remote Overlook Hotel. He brings along his cloying son Danny (who has 70s hair) and his stupid and gormless wig on a stick wife Wendy who looks like something dragged from a canal. Everyone seems to be wearing old man’s corduroy. Danny has visions of rivers of blood and creepy twins. None of the characters are hugely likeable and this is even before the family are cut off during the winter.

The cook Dick Halloran knows Danny is psychic. Not only do his parents not notice but they fail to supervise him. The Overlook is a dreary place that looks like it smells of rot and armpit. Jack seems to have contempt for his family from the start; he’s a creepy abusive jerk before the hotel gets to work on him turning him into an acidic, rancid shrieking goblin. The pit-spawned Jack has a state of perma-anxiety and never does any caretaking. Wendy becomes even more stupid and useless.

This was pretentious drivel. Jack almost overnight turns into a misbegotten, aggressive stooge and giggler. He seems to have no social or moral framework. This film is not deep or elemental IMO, I think ‘The Simpsons‘ spoof was better. Professional screamer Wendy needed to make better choices re her hateful and self righteous husband. It is not really clear why the Overlook is a place where lunatics live. The changed ending is just bizarre. I didn’t like this.

Best Lines:
“It’s okay; he saw it on the television.”

“Come and play with us Danny. Forever and ever and ever.”

“Stop swinging the bat.”
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