epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Review: The Goonies

The Goonies (1985)
The over-rated cult classic isn’t that good. Jake (Robert Davi) breaks out of jail with the help of his brother and foul mother. This somehow ties into a group of annoying, eye-rolling, sass talking, screaming tweens (among them Corey Feldman, Martha Plimpton, Sean Astin, Short Round and Josh Brolin) going on a treasure hunt. Also there is Pepsi product placement and people wearing ugly 1980s leisure wear.

The ‘hero’ kids bully the fat kid and enunciate loudly admid sex jokes. Their houses are being foreclosed on to build a golf course and so the tweens set off to find pirate rich stuff to save their homes. There are jokes about moving to Detroit, Cyndi Lauper singing and Josh Brolin riding a tiny pink bike.

There is bad green screen, girls screaming, boys yelling and a Sloth in the cellar. Robert Davi sings, the fat kid is menaced with a blender by three criminals, the goonies are deeply unpleasant people with parents who look dead and there are jokes about Sloth's bad parenting. The film degenerates from there. Logic goes right out the window: who built an organ made of bones? How did they get into the wishing well? Why didn’t the pirate ship rot? Why did someone mention an octopus? Why is the fat kid wearing plaid?

Best Lines:
“Oh wow, a police chase!”

“I would really like the house clean when they tear it down.”

“Oh God, am I depressed.”

“I’ll hit you so hard when you wake up your clothes will be out of date.”

“My mom’s going to yell at me.”

“You always liked him better.”
“That’s right.”

“I hate nature! I hate nature!”

“Really disgusting people.”

“We spent the money on Francis’ toupee.”
“I don’t wear a hairpiece!”
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