epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

  • Music:

Movie Reviews: Transylvania Twist + The Facility

Transylvania Twist (1989)
This is a very funny Roger Corman produced horror spoof. A book that can summon forth the Evil One must be retrieved by Dexter Ward (Steve Altman, who isn‘t as funny as he thinks he is), Marissa (Teri Copley) and Victor Van Helsing. They travel to Transylvania and encounter the mad Byron Orlock (Robert Vaughn of ‘The Man from UNCLE’, ‘BASEketball’, ‘Superman III’ and ‘Hustle’) a general purveyor of evil. There are musical numbers, villagers who can’t organise a pitchfork and torches mob properly, vampires, an ominous butler (Angus Scrimm) and a cameo by the late Boris Karloff. The trio must defeat a Cthulhu style menace and foil Orlock (Vaughn overacting while sporting a perma tan and adhering to the Bela Lugosi style of fine tailoring). Its low budget but very enjoyable.

Best Lines:
“You can all go home, I’m not dead.”

“What stupid son of a bitch pronounced me dead?”

“In New York you got your junkies, here you got your zombies. What’s the difference? They all look like Keith Richards anyway.”

“Van Helsings’ having a flashback.”

“Holy water. Don’t leave home without it.”

“To the undead, I am the Son Of Sam.”

“What could be more romantic?”
“High noon on the Mojave Desert.”

“What’s he feeding those horses?”

“You must leave this place at once.”
“Look I assure you we are not Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

“I should have never sent you to that progressive school.”

“She’s being possessed.”

“Destroy it! Or this body will never put out for you.”

The Facility (2013)
A 2010 drug trial of Pro9 goes awry in this utterly awful Brit horror. At remote Limebrook clinic a group of idiot gadabouts who are borderline intelligent arch-moaners volunteer for a drug trial. Among them is Adam (Aneurin Barnard of ‘The White Queen’). They are shot up with Pro9 cue miserable pain, isolation and woe, it is like living in an insane asylum and that is even before the side effects kick in. The drug company is slimy and the angry threatening volunteers are all stupid people who don’t know they are stupid. As the side effects kick in there is emotional deprivation and monstrous behaviour but it is all brought down by sketchy characterisation and banal plotting.

This film is comically misguided, pompous and crude. You just don’t care about the bloody horrible consequences to the characters. Tough on them. The histrionic acting drowns the ludicrous plot in melodrama. This was unintentionally boring and full of non character development. The characters are all frustrating, hostile, selfish idiots who engage in dubious carry on as the drug turns them into backwoods hillbillies with emotional upheavals. This was corrosively boring and fails fast. Let the self regarding attention seeking shrill twits die in the world’s most boring murderous rampage for all the viewer cares. There is active nastiness, lack of trust, fractious relationships, sanctimony, a cheerless hero (Barnard) and a reviled company rep and I don’t care. For 'White Queen' fans Aneurin Barnard shows off more fear, resentment and fights back melancholy but this was still crap with a dumb ending.

Best Lines:
“It seems Pro9 has dealt is some unforeseeable problems.”

“Feeling positive about our immediate future?”

“She’s breathing. Technically that doesn’t happen when you’re dead.”

“This is something else, this is.”

“It must be wonderful to be as ignorant as you, Adam.”

“I think I’ve done some really bad things.”
Tags: movie review, the white queen

Comments for this post were disabled by the author