epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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CSI Miami 9x14 + True Blood 5x12 + The Walking Dead 3x06 Reviewed

Stoned Cold
Blair, the queen mean girl of her school, is stoned to death on the football pitch. Horatio and his idiot team will solve the case, despite the fact they have no concept of fingerprint evidence and are dumb. Blair was a vile person with a deluded mother. Blair did hateful things to the unpopular kids but nobody stopped her. So it is no surprise someone stoned her and then tidied all the stones up afterwards. Via magic technology, fun with knots and Horatio sounding sleazy and high, the killers are caught. I am sure the vile Blair was based on the ghastly Naomi from ‘90210’. It is funny that Blair died when an attempt to give her a short sharp shock backfired. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Beer, really?”

“No one wants you here.”

“In your dreams.”

“Wolfie, you seeing stars now?”

“Downright biblical.”

“What a ho right?”

“Can I go now?”
“What do you think?”

“I will ruin you!”

“Blair’s worse than cancer. I’d push her off a bridge.”

“You raised losers.”

Save Yourself
Eric finally kills Russell as stupid fangs are bared. Nora hasn’t changed. Bill chases Sam whilst Sam is a fly. Jason has visions of his parents. Tara and Sookie meet for the first time since Tara was vamped and all Sookie can talk about is getting her house back from Eric. She is so selfish. It seems like aeons since Sookie had the perfect veneer of decency. I can’t stand her gappy teeth and undulations.

Bill continues to be insane and rant about “human livestock” and lets his hick southern accent run wild. Bill makes a speech. Sam and the terrible person Luna only care about Emma and not the captive, terrified human. Why is everyone on this show such selfish jerks? I can’t believe most of this season has taken place in the AVL basement. The decent Alcide is lathered in orange fake tan as he gets high on v and becomes packmaster. Where did Steve go?

This show is cynical, sardonic and induces derision and stone faced indifference. It is inconsistent, inaccurate, circumscribed by its own limitations and is flat lining. It’s all cold and noise, like sleeping under a flyover I care not for the harsh, stupid, blinkered, entirely self regarding exploiter Sookie or the bombastic, narcissistic, scarcely credible, wild-eyed, ham faced Bill who is turning a mid life crisis into a permanent state of being.

This was a fairly decent ep, for once this show stops resembling the plot of a Jackie Collins novel. Andy’s fairy babymama has quadruplets and pours salt into her mouth. Holly is not impressed by Andy’s attempt to come clean. The vampires need to shut up; I care nothing for their cult. Watching this show makes people feel liberal, which must be why it is still on. Luna bores, Sam kills an AVL vampire from the inside, Bill accuses someone else of monumental narcissism - his ‘intensity’ is badly acted. Sookie blubbers and blood flies. Something is born and season 6 will tell us what.

Best Lines:
“Eric please ask your sister not to look at me like that.”

“Bill. He’s always looking for something to feel guilty about.”

“They’re worse than my uncle who started his own church.”

“Shouldn’t we try to be a little less conspicuous?”

“The time for tolerance is over.”

“He was a good wolf once.”
“Weren’t we all.”

“Lots of folk wanted to kill me over the years.”

“Just a little sippy sip.”

“Sam Merlotte’s redneck ass taste in music.”

“Haven’t we slept together by now?”
“I don’t think so.”

“Her kind don’t whelp in hospitals.”

“Believe me; I prefer this was not happening just as much as you.”

“I honour what was, what is and what will never be.”

“Lilith’s darkest dream will be made real.”

“You didn’t even smell the silver in the blood. And I put in a lot.”

“She’s a mad god Bill.”


Merle and his gang look for Michonne who is smarter than them (or anyone else on this show). Merle’s grossly abusive ways go on. Rick dwells in his self contained artifice. Shut up Rick, I don’t care about your mood swings or tedious clichés. Andrea is so turned on by The Governor’s strange terms and less demanding social conditions that she becomes his concubine. Woodbury = Las Vegas in ‘The Stand’.

The coarse Merle shows he is a terrible person, he mentions the Red Zone: wtf? Daryl tells Carl a tale of his white trash childhood. The Governor carries on being a mad warlord even in his bathrobe. Andrea and Rick seem stripped of their personalities. Merle menaces Glen and Maggie. How can two people not over power a nut with only one hand?

This was boring. WTF is TPTB’s obsession with Lori. Michonne shows up at the prison - are Rick‘s lot blind? How did only Rick see her coming? Someone isn’t dead. This is the antithesis of appointment television, there’s nothing else this show can contribute narratively.

Best Lines:
“We’re doing a righteous public service here.”

“She sent us a biter-gram y’all!”

"She ain't running, she's hunting. So are we."

"There isn't anywhere else."
Tags: review, the walking dead, true blood

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