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Movie Reviews: Mary of Scotland + Vampires Suck + Cirque du Freak

Mary of Scotland (1936)
Mary, Queen of Scots (Katharine Hepburn) is the focus of this wildly inaccurate biopic. The wildly confident Mary heads for Scotland, Elizabeth I overacts and there are exposition dumps. The Scots all seem to be disloyal drunken violent Glaswegians who wear tartan and have comedy beards. John Knox firebrands, Mary’s half brother plots and the Earl of Bothwell shows up to be a dashing romantic rogue.

Mary plotted ceaselessly for her cousin’s throne yet had no real concern for her own and was foolish, selfish, wilful, reckless, irresponsible and entirely without sense. But not according to this movie. Mary’s secretary David lurks, complicated clan feuds rage and Mary marries the preening prancing idiot Darnley. Mary is arrogant, Darnley is a drunk, petulant, uncouth, unstable, violent, stupid fool and it is a match made in hell. He murders David. Bothwell shows up declaring his love for Mary complete with his own theme music.

Mary has her son James. Darnley drinks and screeches. Kirk o’field is blown up. Who killed Darnley? Mary does not care as Bothwell is blamed, John Knox thunders and Darnley’s syphilis is not mentioned. Mary marries Bothwell and discusses the deaths of Henry II and Francis II was a smile. The blowsy Mary is overthrown to the great relief of her subjects.

Mary meets her fate. Bothwell meets his, so much for his garrulous machismo. Their damaging relationship is inexplicably depicted as true love. Mary’s lack of critical judgement is white washed. This was factually incorrect and silly. The idiotic Mary had about as much political judgement as Anthony Weiner.

Best Lines:
“I’ve been 13 years away.”

“The ambition of other men married me to a dying boy who became King of France. I wasn’t asked.”

“Jezebel of France!”

“You’re a cold fish; you shall be my Ambassador to Scotland.”

“I’m not going on your account Sir.”

“You say you’re a Queen, be one.”

“God forgive you. I shall not nor forgive myself for marrying you.”

“Afraid my presence will contaminate him?”

“Judge and avenge my cause.”

“Rebellion, how I hate that word.”

“You were born too close to my throne.”

“I learned how a woman may be Queen one day and stand on the scaffold the next.”

“I win. You have no heir. My son will inherit your throne.”

~
Vampires Suck (2010)
This unsubtle spoof of the ‘Twilight’ saga is oddly entertaining. Becca comes to live in Sporks, overlooks all funny background events and Jacob and falls for surly vampire Edward. The personality free Becca and the Joker makeup wearing Edward have a romance which consists of them making constipated faces to angst music. Becca has more facial expressions than Bella Swan and this was okay with some amusing moments. Bella’s dad fighting Jacob’s dad was hilarious.

Best Lines:
“I go to school on the reservation.”
“Must be fun to drink and gamble all day.”

“That’s what I used to wear when I was a virgin.”

“You’re one of those anti-social long suffering loner types.”

“You seem really boring and frigid.”

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”

“You’re the Black Eyed Peas!”

“I dig the eurotrash heroin chic look.”

“I’m 18 now, I’m practically a cougar.”

“You’re just going to leave me here? Alone in the woods in an area full of vampires that want to eat me?”

“You twitch a lot, it’s kind of irritating.”

~
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)
Darren is a moron who ends up becoming a vampire and hanging out at a freakshow populated by John C. Reilly, Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek and Jane Krakowski. His BFF Steve (Josh Hutcherson of ‘The Hunger Games’ and ‘Detention') objects to Steve stealing his dream and goes to the bad as he hangs out with Michael Cerveris.

This has stupid narration, Darren is a thieving moron who is a bad son and a worse friend and everyone is mean to trashy Steve. This has bizarre make up, evil carnies, camp clichéd dialogue and a bland idiot lead. Plus the vampires seeking out Darren and Steve has creepy sex offender vibes to it. This was a botched, overwrought, incoherent, awful mess with stupid CGI.

Best Lines:
“I am so excited to be in your anonymous small town which used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums.”

“Didn’t you hear me threaten you at the show?”
“I did, it was awesome.”

“It’s all written down. In a book. You do read books don’t you?”
Tags: movie review, reign, the tudors
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