Mary plotted ceaselessly for her cousin’s throne yet had no real concern for her own and was foolish, selfish, wilful, reckless, irresponsible and entirely without sense. But not according to this movie. Mary’s secretary David lurks, complicated clan feuds rage and Mary marries the preening prancing idiot Darnley. Mary is arrogant, Darnley is a drunk, petulant, uncouth, unstable, violent, stupid fool and it is a match made in hell. He murders David. Bothwell shows up declaring his love for Mary complete with his own theme music.
Mary has her son James. Darnley drinks and screeches. Kirk o’field is blown up. Who killed Darnley? Mary does not care as Bothwell is blamed, John Knox thunders and Darnley’s syphilis is not mentioned. Mary marries Bothwell and discusses the deaths of Henry II and Francis II was a smile. The blowsy Mary is overthrown to the great relief of her subjects.
Mary meets her fate. Bothwell meets his, so much for his garrulous machismo. Their damaging relationship is inexplicably depicted as true love. Mary’s lack of critical judgement is white washed. This was factually incorrect and silly. The idiotic Mary had about as much political judgement as Anthony Weiner.
“The ambition of other men married me to a dying boy who became King of France. I wasn’t asked.”
“Jezebel of France!”
“You’re a cold fish; you shall be my Ambassador to Scotland.”
“I’m not going on your account Sir.”
“You say you’re a Queen, be one.”
“God forgive you. I shall not nor forgive myself for marrying you.”
“Afraid my presence will contaminate him?”
“Judge and avenge my cause.”
“Rebellion, how I hate that word.”
“You were born too close to my throne.”
“I learned how a woman may be Queen one day and stand on the scaffold the next.”
“I win. You have no heir. My son will inherit your throne.”
“That’s what I used to wear when I was a virgin.”
“You’re one of those anti-social long suffering loner types.”
“You seem really boring and frigid.”
“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”
“You’re the Black Eyed Peas!”
“I dig the eurotrash heroin chic look.”
“I’m 18 now, I’m practically a cougar.”
“You’re just going to leave me here? Alone in the woods in an area full of vampires that want to eat me?”
“You twitch a lot, it’s kind of irritating.”
This has stupid narration, Darren is a thieving moron who is a bad son and a worse friend and everyone is mean to trashy Steve. This has bizarre make up, evil carnies, camp clichéd dialogue and a bland idiot lead. Plus the vampires seeking out Darren and Steve has creepy sex offender vibes to it. This was a botched, overwrought, incoherent, awful mess with stupid CGI.
“Didn’t you hear me threaten you at the show?”
“It’s all written down. In a book. You do read books don’t you?”