epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

The Americans 1x12&1x13 + Hannibal 1x11 + True Blood 5x10 + Once Upon A Time 2x09 Reviewed

The Oath
Nina is promoted and picks a side. Elizabeth gets the chance to recruit an Air Force Colonel or is it a set up? Claudia orders Elizabeth to meet the Colonel. Philip wants to bug Gaad’s office and so proposes to the exceedingly stupid Martha. The maid Philip and Elizabeth blackmailed cracks. Paige still fancies Stan’s son. Philip marries Martha and Elizabeth and Claudia attend the wedding sporting fake accents, wigs and glasses. This was ludicrous.

Best Lines:
“It’s 10 years ahead of anything we have in the field.”

“He’d be swimming in very deep water.”

“We see what we need to see in people.”

“Now that we know they’re listening, we’ll know what to say.”

The Colonel
Stan targets Elizabeth’s mole. Philip’s wig never comes off during sex with Martha who wants to discuss wallpaper with him. The Jennings make plans to escape to Canada as the FBI close in. Stan’s wife won’t be mollified. Elizabeth listens to a message from her mother. Paige finally notices something weird about her family. Claudia has depths. Philip gets told a few truths about the Star Wars programme. The FBI come this close to the Jennings. Someone gets shot and babbles in Russian. Stan is played like a fiddle and there is a musical montage. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I had to fill out an officer in the field special request assessment form. It has 27 sections.”

“I know I’ll never meet them, but knowing you have them...that makes me happy.”

“If you’re wrong we’d be giving up the greatest intelligence success since we got the atom bomb.”
“That’s what we always say right before our people die for nothing. The next thing we always say is: it was so obvious.”

“He wants immunity and 500 grand.”
“For what?”
“We’ll find out when he gets immunity and 500 grand.”

“It all fell apart.”

Dr Gideon (Eddie Izzard) escapes and looks for the Ripper. Will does more staring. Gideon carves up the shrink who was unethically manipulating him. That obnoxious blogger Freddie gets involved. Jack is unhelpful. Will stumbles around; even Gideon can see he is sick. Why is everyone so oblivious? Will has a good cry and a seizure. This was ridiculous. Lecter’s shrink is useless, Gideon gets dead and this was rubbish.

Best Lines:
“I have no interest in understanding sheep, only eating them.”

“Poke around a psychopath’s mind, bound to get poked back.”

“Someone got inside his head and moved all the furniture around.”

“Any secret communiqués or coded messages written in bodily fluids or anything else. We’ll find them.”

“Let’s hope he got some satisfaction from being proved right.”

Gone, Gone, Gone
The AVL lie, deceive and obfuscate. The local coroner is made a vamp and Sookie kills him with chopsticks. Bill is awful. Hoyt decides to leave town. Tara and Pam’s new boss is some ‘Lost Boys’ reject. Sookie is awful. Eric is force-fed Lilith blood. Why is Lilith naked? Russell and Steve dance to Katy Perry. Hoyt leaves. Sookie and Luna are stupid. Jessica is summoned. Sam and Luna infiltrate. Russell rants. Vamps hate fairies and a Stackhouse family secret is revealed via a magic scroll. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I’m here about the body.”
“What body?”

“Cheeto headed tramp.”

“He kept autopsy photos on his computer, same place he kept his porn.”

“Lilith is a godless god.”

“My home is where my momma smothers me; my girl left me for my best friend.”

“Don’t laugh, it’s happened.”

“I don’t know nothing about birthing no vampire babies.”

“I want my mommy!”
“Your momma doesn’t want you, punk!”

The Queen of Hearts
Hook bores and in flashback Regina prances around in ugly 90s evening dresses whilst overacting. Rumpy plots. Henry needs to shut up, Cora was the Queen of Hearts, Hook is pathetic and Henry pouts and can’t act. How Cora and Hook survived the curse is revealed - nobody cares. This was boring and stupid.

Regina and Rumpy aren’t encumbered by ethics and morality is something for losers. Emma is venal, weak and selfish. Aurora and Mulan are abandoned. There is sap. The Storybrooke residents are apparently blind. This was leaden and unimaginatively plodding. Regina has no true menace or melancholy; she’s heartless and sidesteps responsibility.

Best Lines:
“So pretty, yet so useless.”

“Maybe one day they’ll even invite you for dinner.”
Tags: hannibal, once upon a time, the americans, true blood

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