epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Trailers, Quotes and a 2001 Tape Tale

‘Under The Dome’ 1x04 promo
That’s right, waste beer by chucking it at the dome. There’s an outbreak and no medicine. This is nothing like the book.

Best Line:
“This clinic is now closed.”

‘Sharknado’ trailer
Enough said. Tara Reid and Ian Ziering fight a hurricane that has sucked up a load of hungry sharks. They fight them with bad acting, axes, pool cues, a pickaxe and a chainsaw. Sharks rain down on people. How do the sharks breathe with no water? This looks stupid.

Best Line:
“Can’t sit back and watch this.”

‘The Evil Inside’ (2012) trailer
A slumber party goes bad due to a creepy girl who stares a lot. WTF? No, just no.

I did some more reminiscing about comics of days past. I can recall ‘The Three Imps’ (the girls of the Imperial Ballet School whose heads were bigger than their waists), ‘Haggis’ (adventures of the lovable dog), ‘Witch!’ (an entire village hate campaigns against a girl because they think she is a witch) and ‘Spooks at Number Seven’ (a girl is the only one to realise her home is full of ghosts).

There was also ‘Treetop Tania’ (a rich brat and a poor girl are stranded on a desert island and are there for years and become expert survivors and then the island volcano erupts. Poor girl dies; rich girl is rescued and brought to a home she no longer fits into). ‘Wee Slavey’ (adventures of a put-upon scullery maid in Victorian times). ‘The Impostor!’ (a Victorian lady has her identity stolen by a maid and cannot prove who she really is). ‘Catch The Cat' (a girl in occupied France pretends to be a collaborator whilst working secretly for the Resistance as The Cat, a spy in a body stocking whom everyone thinks is a man for some reason), ‘My Mum’s a Stranger’ (a girl’s mother turns nasty). ‘Kidnappers on the Pony Trek Trail’ (does exactly what it says on the tin).

There was also ‘Sylvie Must Skate’ (a girl has stage parents from hell). ‘Vanishing Vicky’ (a girl turns invisible and pretends to be a ghost). ‘Pandora’s Box’ (a girl’s button collection tells her stories of the owners past). ‘Betsy at Big-Top Hotel’ (circus folk run a hotel). ‘Hopeless Hope - She’s No Dope’ (a fat girl is bullied by her peers) and ‘The Phantom Swimmer’ (does exactly what it says on the tin).

Even more stories came back to me. ‘Mog’ (an intelligent cat has adventures). ‘Who is Astra?’ (a girl comes to stay and everything gets weird. This was a creepy tale of parallel universes). ‘Little Sir Echo’ (a magic thing shouts a lot). ‘Wilma’s Water Babies’ (a synchronised swim team have fun). ‘Tina and Tuff’ (a fat girl and a tiny girl with Bruce Lee skills arrive at boarding school and sort the bullies out). ‘Beware the Grey Guardians’ (a secret society at yet another upper class boarding school have adventures). ‘The Girl at the Window’ (a girl is in peril) and ‘Joy of the Gym’ (gymnastics fun).

‘The Sailor Doll’ (a girl fears her school cruise is recreating the doomed Titanic). ‘The Secret of Diana’s Desk’ (a girl is controlled by her school desk). ‘Super Girl’ (crippled Suzie Sullivan is actually a bionic secret agent who has a miniature TV in her crutch). ‘Teeny Tina’ (a girl has a tiny double) I’m going to try and recall more. This nostalgia was fun.

‘It’s In The Book’ Quote:
“Monsters...with red eyes and fangs...and great claws...creeping silently toward us...”

‘Don’t Trust The B---- In Apartment 23’ Quotes:
“Happy fat America day.”

“On the surface you don’t look like a whore.”

“Shut your face mom.”

“I signed two autographs for a bipolar prostitute.”

“Ladled and left.”

“I’m money, bitch.”

“Get out!”
“Of course.”

“A homeless man’s bottom was on my face.”

‘Blackadder III’ Quotes:
“Trousers off! Tackle out!”

“She’s famous for having the worst personality in Germany. As you can imagine that’s up against some pretty stiff competition.”

“His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.”
“So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll be debagged and radished for non-payment of debts.”
“Radished sir?”
“Yes, they pull your britches down and push a large radish right up...”

“You’ll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas you lucky tart.”

“Prince George is shy and just pretends to be bluff and crass and unbelievably thick and gitish.”

“An arrogant half-German yob with a mad dad.”

“Huge gangs of tough sinewy men road the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing.”

“You’re not going to become a highwayman are you?”
“No, I’m auditioning for the part of Arnold The Bat in Sheridan’s new comedy.”

“Hire you a horse? For nine pence? On Jewish New Year? In the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of olde London towne? With the blacksmiths strike in its 15th week and the Dorset horse fetishists’ faire tomorrow?”

‘Sherlock’ Quote:
“Oh shut up, it’s quick.”

Random street ranter quote:
“I’m sick of all you liberals, you have the country destroyed.”

Reviews of ‘Elements of the Apocalypse’, ‘Long Live the Queen’, ‘The Seven-Petaled Shield’, ‘The Will of the Dead’, ‘Sins of the Father’, ‘The Misfortune Cookie’, ‘A Ceremony of Losses’, ‘Defender’, ‘When Elves Attack’, ’City of Ashes’ and ’Clockwork Angel’ forthcoming.

There will be no review of ‘The Night of the Swarm’.

I am reading ‘14’.

I have developed a fondness for Frosted S’mores pop tarts.

They’ve filmed that silly 1960s novel ‘Trap for Cinderella’ in which an amnesic gas blast victim wonders is she the heiress Mi or her murderous BFF Do. Ridiculous.

What on earth happened to Cory Monteith?

Bear Grylls giving himself an enema with bird poo water on a life raft was DISGUSTING.

On ‘Hollyoaks’, Tony is still boring. Ste is a scrote, is he still partnered to Doug? Diane is clueless. Dr Browning seems to be the only doctor in Chester. Jack wears tiny yellow shorts. Ste’s mother is dying.

Best Lines:
“My granddaughter lives in a manky pit because of you.”

“He is poison!”
“So are you.”

Cleared out a 2001 tape. It opened with the boring 1997 movie ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ which starred Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze Jr, Johnny Galecki, Bridgette Wilson and Anne Heche. Helen (Gellar) wins a beauty contest, Ray (Prinze) and Julie (Hewitt) bore and Barry (Phillippe) is a prat. They fornicate, drive drunk and run over a man in the road. A year later a psycho on the loose chases and kills them for no clear reason.

This had excessive yelling, personality flaws, class tensions, dated technology, Gellar wears a bad wig, Hewitt wears makeup that makes her look like she has TB and this was illogical. Helen holds a cigarette she never seems to smoke, no-one notices a killer with a hook prancing around in a rain slicker in July, everyone is an idiot and stuff comes out of the stuff bag. This had a bizarre ending and was followed by two rancid sequels.

Best Lines:
“Through art I shall serve my country.”

“Jodie Foster tried this and a skin ripping serial killer answered the door.”

Then there was a ‘Charmed’ season 3 ep ‘Look Who’s Barking’ which saw a banshee lurking. Phoebe is wildly insensitive and persecutes Cole. The sisters never read the Book of Shadows properly. Prue transforms into a dog. Phoebe becomes a banshee, that’s what happens when she forgets to have sex. Cole was yumbers. This was dull and mangled the banshee mythos.

Best Lines:
“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of Prue?”

Then came the season 2 ‘The Invisible Man’ ep ‘Legends’ which saw Hobbes, the Keep and Darien prance around the woods looking for Bigfoot or the Wendigo or something. Darien wears a ugly hat. This was dull. A loony hunter lurks and Darien learns the invisibility gland was harvested from a Bigfoot/Wendigo/whatever and was not created in a lab by his dead brother after all. The Bigfoot/Wendigo/whatever wants boom boom with Darien.

Best Line:
“A giant bipedal primate wandering around North America.”
Tags: comics, sherlock, tape tales, thoughts, trailers

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