Authority Always Wins
What coke sniffer thought endless scenes of Bill and Eric being menaced by Christopher Meloni (of ’Carriers’) was interesting? The Authority has exsanguination chambers? Am I supposed to care? The 2003 ‘Daredevil’ film was better than this.
The werewolves do boring crap, Terry has issues, Tara freaks out and we get flashbacks to Pam as a human in 1905 and how she met Eric. Jason annoys, the cops find Debbie’s car, Patrick (Scott Foley of ’Scream 3’) bores and Sookie visits the Stake House. Reverend Newlin appears on TV and hangs out with Jessica. Jason manwhores and everyone is a disgusting horrible person.
The Authority babble about the vampire bible and Lilith. Didn’t ‘Blade’ and ‘Blood Ties’ do this already in the 90s? This bored. Jason realises Hoyt hates him. Sookie dresses from the I’ve Stopped Trying Collection. Luna’s daughter Emma transforms into a wolf cub and she’s still in her pyjamas. Okay, that bit was funny.
“I am. I’m laughing.”
“You owe me fairy.”
“She just lost her son.”
“She just ate her son.”
“I’m gonna leave you alone. Go eat your neighbour.”
“I will never forgive either of you.”
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
Miles and Monroe fought together in The Trenton Campaign five years after the Blackout. Monroe talked about running out of bullets and how they’d end up fighting with swords like pirates. Miles founded the Militia, Monroe came along for the ride, Miles betrayed Monroe and acts like his ex-BFF is the monster? What gives?
This has furious door knocking, Charlie being a whining moaning pretentious thick dim moron and Rachel reuniting with her daughter. Neville overacts and annoys, Danny is ever useless, Miles is surprised that Rachel is alive and then comes face to face with Monroe.
Two years before the Blackout Monroe was a suicidal drunk after losing his family in a car accident. Miles was there for him and was closer to him then his brother. When they were kids Miles and Monroe designed an emblem that later became the symbol of the Monroe Militia to symbolise their friendship. Awww. So how did Monroe go from sensitive guy to crazy warlord?
Monroe wants his BFF back only for Miles to brutally reject him. The ambiguously gay Monroe cracks and he and Miles fight. Miles jumps out a convenient window and Monroe unleashes a helicopter. This was good. But why does Miles get away with turning Monroe into a monster?
“Oh hell no.”
“No, I mean I’m sorry I didn’t kill you the first time.”
“You are nothing to me.”
This looks like a 70s movie. Abigail Hobbs wakes up and manipulates. Jack thinks Abigail was her father’s accomplice. Dr Bloom lurks. Tabloid blogger Freddie Loundes annoys and is a bag of snakes. Seriously, what is wrong with her?
Abigail knows what Lecter is; Lecter attacks Dr Bloom and kills (off screen) a friend of Abigail’s. A goob is framed. Lecter and Abigail form an alliance. Why can’t the FBI trace the call Lecter made to Hobbs? How did Freddie get into the nut house? This was bad.
“Didn’t hear you drive up.”
“Hybrid. Great car for stalking.”
“Um, I’m compelled to go cover myself."
“I respect your sympathy for her Dr Bloom. I hope one day you’ll appreciate my lack of it.”
We Are Both
The residents cannot leave Storybrooke to the rage of Mr Gold. People are looking for their families. August is still a block of wood. Regina won’t stop being a snot. Flashbacks show how Regina and her mother had issues and how her father was spineless. Regina annoys.
Mr Gold’s accent changes from scene to scene. Jefferson twitches. Henry will not shut up. Charming makes a speech. More flashbacks show how Regina got magic and used it to banish her wretched mother. Meanwhile Mary Margaret and Emma end up in a pit in fairytale land with Cora. This was okay.
“If the wraith damaged your house, there are cots at the school.”
“It’s off to work we go.”