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Movie Reviews: Retreat + Star Trek 1 - 10

Retreat (2011)
An estranged couple go to the remote island of Blackholme to fix things. Kate (Thandie Newton, who cannot act) has checked out of her marriage. Martin (Cillian Murphy) is fed up with her eye rolling and sneering. Then Jack (Jamie Bell) shows up claiming that an outbreak is devastating the country. He barricades them into the house for their own good.

There is bad bad acting, overdone music and arrogance engine Kate antagonises everyone. Jack is obviously loopy. Martin is a moron. Where did all the wood for the barricades come from? This was leaden and cold with all the dramatic impact of a wet sponge. There is a twist, avoid this awful movie.

Best Lines:
“Does that look like f###in asthma to you?!”

“You think someone out there is going to help us?”

“We’re already dead.”

“What have you done to us?”

“We’re never gonna leave this island.”

~
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
This dull, overlong, 70’s looking mess sees the crew take on V’Ger whilst wearing what look like dirty pyjamas. The change in Scotty’s appearance from his ’TOS’ days to this is shocking.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
A sequel to ’TOS’ ep ’Space Seed’ is over hyped. Kirk’s son David and his frizzy perm annoys. Kirk large hams. As Khan, Ricardo Montalban large hams more. This was sadly dull.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Spock’s back from the dead. Saavik is recast with an 80s perm. Christopher Lloyd of ’Back To The Future’ kills David. Kirk overacts, Bones has a breakdown, Miguel Ferrer of ’Twin Peaks’ has a tiny role and everything looks 1970s. Mediocre.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
It takes ages, but Kirk and co go back to 1986 to save the whales. This has a Klingon bird of prey crash landing in San Francisco bay, Spock nerve pinching a punk on a bus and Scotty trying to use voice activation on a computer in 1986. This was okay.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Kirk v god. Spock’s half brother Sybok shows up. David Warner is in here somewhere. Scotty knocks himself out on a bulkhead. Avoid.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
The Klingon Empire seeks peace with the UFP. Chancellor Gorkon (David Warner) is assassinated. Kirk and McCoy end up in a Klingon penal colony. Sulu has his own ship. Spock forces a mind meld and Christopher Plummer large hams it as Chang. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“I can’t believe I kissed you.”
“Must’ve been your life long ambition.”

Star Trek: Generations (1994)
Soran (Malcolm McDowell) kills Kirk. Picard meets Kirk. The Enterprise D crashes. Data swears. Avoid.

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Picard and co take on time travelling Borg. Alice Krige is covered in goo, Zefram Cochrane makes first contact with Vulcans and Data bores. This was okay.

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
This is awful. F Murray Abraham is wasted as the villain. Patrick Stewart ruined this movie by demanding that Picard become an action hero. People wear horrible white dress uniforms. Nobody cares about the Ba’ku.

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
This near franchise killer flopped harder than ‘Star Trek V’. Tom Hardy is the fetish outfit wearing Shinzon. Remans rebel. There is a space battle, Dina Meyer, Data dies, B4 debuts, Riker and Troi wed, Ron Perlman is wasted and Admiral Janeway has a groan inducing cameo. Once again Data and Picard take up way too much screen time. Go away!
Tags: movie review, star trek, twin peaks, westworld
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