The movie declares it is The Age Of The Crusades (which one?) and after over a decade of CGI Crusading two Knights desert in 1344. The CGI battle scenes are an embarrassment to watch after ‘Kingdom of Heaven’. The Knights (Nic Cage and Ron Perlman) learn plague is rampant despite the fact the plague didn’t reach Europe until 1348.
A plague ridden Christopher Lee orders them to atone for their desertion by taking an accused witch (Claire Foy of ‘Going Postal’ and ‘White Heat’) to a remote Abbey. Cue: American accents, ‘amusing’ anachronistic dialogue, a magic book, Nic Cage’s bizarre line delivery being mocked and a comedy relief guide.
In 1344, there would have been: the Little Ice Age, scrofula, cholera, the Hundred Years War, open sores, infected wounds, typhoid and an average life expectancy of 38. Nobody looks like they have any idea what Church Latin, Norman French, Old German or Middle English are or that they are supposed to be speaking it.
There is bad acting, a lot of running around in the dark and way too much camp. This was self-aggrandising, flaccid, incompetent, insipid, tedious and reeked of mediocrity. Nic Cage rants and unleashes ludicrous mock heroics. There is cartoon like CGI, a demon, boorish characters and general attention seeking, appalling, strident, peripatetic goings on.
All in all this is yet another film centred on Nic Cage mugging incessantly and inanely for the cameras. Maybe if we pay no attention, he’ll stop doing it soon enough.
“You ever get the feeling God has too many enemies?”
“It is a curse called up from hell.”
“What is that smell?”
“Perhaps you would like to pelt me with fruit or kick me in the groin?”
“I know the way I just can’t see the way.”
“This is no witch.”
“We’re going to need more holy water.”
There is a bizarre love triangle fought over some anorexic man faced chick with a tacky belly button piercing, a yappy dog is in peril, various near identical men folk fight the sharks, a moron washes his open wound in filthy corpse infested water and Julian McMahon’s real accent is displayed.
I haven’t seen something this horrifically bad since ‘Purple Rain’. Why couldn’t TPTB have made a movie about a killer conger eel or something? I had an extraordinary level of disinterest in this egregious mess. All the characters had the personality of a slice of toast and this was unedifying with bad acting, sap and shouting. This was just awful.
“There’s a 12 foot Great White shark in here.”
“What are you going to do if you catch it? Spark up the barbie and crack open the tartar sauce?”