epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Movie Reviews: My Bloody Valentine 3D + Amityville 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

I saw it in 3D and the 3D made this schlock fest. The 3D was amazing and made sitting there wearing Elton John like glasses worth it.

This is a remake of a 1981 slasher which I've never seen. Tom (Jensen Ackles of 'Supernatural') causes a mining accident, which only one man survives. A year later the man wakes from his coma and goes on a pickaxe rampage. Tom and his pals are partying at the mine where the accident occurred so the pickaxe nut promptly dispatches as many of the heartless, desensitised little creeps as he can. Then he's killed.

10 year layer Tom returns home to find his former girlfriend is married to Axel (Kerr Smith of 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Final Destination') who is now sheriff. Axel is a cheating prone to violence jerk who hates Tom. And Tom is a twitching weirdo who hates Axel. As soon as Tom shows up, the pickaxe killer returns and axes various people to death including in one memorable scene, a stark naked woman.

As stacks of bodies pile up Axel thinks Tom is the killer. Tom twitches and there copious blood and gore hurled at the screen. People act like idiots in a town with a nutbag killer on the loose. The killer is unmasked in an ending that makes no sense. Still if you want a return to 80's type horror with nudity and gore, this will do.

Amityville 3D (1983)

Saw this on tv so it wasn't in 3D. Though I doubt even 3D could have made this dull boring excuse for a horror flick watchable.

Another sap moves into the house and is menaced by a lift and bees. People die but the sap doesn't seem to notice. His daughter Susan (Lori Loughlin - who was in a 'Birds of Prey' ep ) and her friend Lisa (Meg Ryan, yep that Meg Ryan) explore the house noting: "There's a dry well that's supposed to be the entrance to hell" and then hold a séance. Susan promptly dies.

The sap and some friends try to save Susan's spirit but prove to be about as useful fighting evil as a damp bath towel. A rubber demon pops up. The film ends. This wasn't scary at all and the sheer amount of objects flying at the screen is a bit much. At this point the only 'Amityville' movie I want to see is 'Amityville Dollhouse' because of the title alone.
Tags: birds of prey, movie review, supernatural

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