Pilot
One day the power goes off, seemingly worldwide, never to come back on. The power going out sequence with a plane falling out of the sky is nicely creepy. 15 years pass. The horrible Ben is killed by militia, his idiot son Danny is hauled off and his idiot daughter Charlie heads off to fins her uncle Miles to save Danny. There is also a mysterious pendant and flashbacks to Ben’s allegedly dead wife Rachel (Elizabeth Mitchell of ’V’ and ’Lost’).
Nobody seems that curious as to what caused the blackout but it was not natural. Society has reverted to a feudal agrarian society but belly shirts, shampoo, washing powder, razors, ice, wine, eyebrow tweezers, paper, bullets, sun glasses, toothpaste, fitted leather jackets and hair gel still seem to be in abundance. This is based on a series of novels, but I didn’t see that mentioned in the credits.
Charlie stomps off with her father’s friend Aaron and her father’s new woman Maggie in tow. The really stupid Danny is menaced by militia, one of whom is the overacting guy who was Gus on ‘Breaking Bad’. The militia enforce taxes, have membership brands, have outlawed guns (in America? Yeah right) and serve the gurning General Monroe (David Lyons of ‘The Cape’).
Charlie meets a cute boy named Nate. Neither she or her brother have the sense to come in out of the rain. I don’t care about any of these people. I don’t care about Aaron’s wife’s fate, the stupid Danny, the awful entitled Charlie, Nate or the thankless pig Miles. I don’t care about the ‘big reveal’ that there is power or who General Monroe is. This was stupid with bad acting.
Best Lines:
“If you were smart you left the city. If you weren’t you died there.”
“Nothing’s safe.”
“This is not good.”
~
Chained Heat
More flashbacks show how Ben, Rachel and their idiot spawn fled the city after a blackout and how a perv harassed them. In the ‘present’ General Monroe wants Miles. Why? Nate stalks the giant sucking pit of suck that is Charlie. Danny seems slow and the only vaguely interesting character is Maggie until TPTB ruin that by having her wave around a product placed iphone for an extended period of time. The Monroe Republic burns the US flag and has slave labour camps. Some people are okay with that. Miles and Charlie have the same conversation over and over again. TPTB want Charlie to remind us of Katniss from ‘The Hunger Games’ - it does not work.
A mysterious woman named Grace knows stuff and seems doomed. Miles wants to look up a woman named Nora. Miles, Nora and Charlie dish out bloodless carnage. There is a resistance to General Monroe. Just hide the man’s hair gel and he’ll crumble. This was okay but Charlie is irritating with no redeeming features. Who is Randal and why should I care? There is another ‘big reveal’ which is no surprise to anyone. There is a limit to how much time you want to spend with these people. I don’t think I’ll stick with this show.
Best Line:
“Great. They’re having a sale on heroin.”
~
The Bells of Saint John
There is something evil in the wifi and it is trapping souls in it. The Doctor encounters the latest itineration of Clara and has to protect her from mysterious baddies. There is dull surprise acting, peril on a plane, UNIT and a familiar bad guy. This was okay.
Best Line:
“We can’t always pass it off as a riot.”
~
A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
Carlene’s uncle Burl (Bruce Boxleitner of ‘Babylon 5’) and his awful wife (Donna Mills) show up. Blake recruits Amanda to revive the Westward Ho jeans line. Zack and Sharon have more marital issues. Carlene plans Condos For Christian Living and Sharon has to assemble a bookcase from Stockholm And Stuff. Ripp continues to obsess that Bill could be alive. Gigi throws a party. Amanda learns how much Cricket hates her and someone dies. This was okay if obvious.
Best Lines:
“On the inside, they’re just selfish and awful.”
“I tripped over a keg in the ladies room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.”
“What a pretty story.”
“I will not allow you out in public looking like yard trash.”
“Harry Potter isn’t subversive momma.”
~
Labyrinth (2012)
This miniseries is an adaptation of Kate Mosse’s novel which I have not read. In 2012 France, Alice helps out on an archaeological dig and has strange experiences. In 1209 France, Alais learns her father has a secret and is oblivious to her evil sister Oriane shagging her husband. The 2012 sequences are sub par Dan Brown as a religious nutter kills people, other pagan nutters have a cult, a useless guy named Will takes up space, there is no real implied menace and Alice is a spod. The 1209 sequences are more interesting as Crusaders head Alais’ way to kill all the local Cathars. Alais' father talks about mysterious books, rings and the Holy Grail in a loud and carrying voice. Oriane tantrums and is contemptuous and arbitrary. Violence erupts. Oriane betrays various people and there is death. People are burned, the hard faced Oriane’s accent slips and there is babbling about a labyrinth and a navigator. In 2012 Alice has to be told what the Holy Grail is and encounters John Hurt’s character who is cryptic for no good reason. There is a not so surprising revelation about who his character is. This was uneven and not a lot made sense. Still parts of it entertained.
Best Lines:
“I’ll make honest Christians of these people even if I have to kill every last one of them to do it.”
“There is vile talk.”
“It’s rumoured the Holy Grail’s buried underneath.”
“Has anyone ever looked?”
“And risked finding out it’s not there?”
“Will you let me go now?”
“No.”
“The invasion reached them.”
“She will bitterly regret her decision. But she made it freely.”
~
Salvation
Another vigilante is in town and Oliver gets angry. Thea sucks face with Roy and is appalled that he is a criminal. Neither of them note their blatant hypocrisy. Sarah may be dead after all. Roy is in peril. Malcolm lurks. Laurel makes everything all about her. Alex Kingston shows off some terrible acting in her grief collapse scene and Moira betrays.
The island flashbacks are as uninteresting as the main plot. Yao Fei’s daughter busts out some Bruce Lee moves. Why she didn’t do that ages ago and save everyone a lot of trouble is not revealed. What became of her, Yao Fei and Slade Wilson? What is the undertaking? This was bad.
Best Line:
“Gggrrrrr, stop being bad or I’ll arrow you.”
