Schoolgirl Chums (1982)
An adaptation of the jolly hockey sticks book by Peter Glidewell. It was followed in 1983 by an adaptation of the sequel ‘St Ursula’s in Danger’, sadly the third book ‘Miss Prosser’s Passion’ was never filmed due to the death of the star Charlotte Long in 1984.
It is the 1930’s and Alison (Charlotte Long) is morose at being sent to boarding school by her posh solider spy father. Clad in an ugly uniform she is packed off to St Ursula’s with tales of secret passages and a mysterious artefact hidden in a box of chocolates. She is befriended by a blonde with a pudding bowl haircut (Patsy Kensit) on the steam train and so begins an adventure of hidden royalty, an evil teacher and a fire. Sadly this was a bit dull but would be enjoyed if you were six.
“Is that your father? He’s rather ripping.”
White Mischief (1987)
In Kenya of 1940, a gang of rich aristos hang around drinking, gambling, playing polo, shagging, wearing a lot of nice hats and occasionally shooting each other. Diana is a gold digger married to a rich older man and has an affair with a lover boy (Charles Dance) which leads to murder and a suicide. This was dull despite all the pretty scenery, copious nudity and hysteria.
“I like older men. They have more money.”
“Here’s to lions, tigers and rich men.”
“This is frankly unsettling.”
“I didn’t know she’d been allowed back into the country.”
“They’re supposed to get up to all sorts of things, especially during the rainy season.”
Cruel Intentions (1999)
This updating of ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ has entertaining parts and dull parts. Two vile stepsiblings plot and play wicked games amongst their Manhattan elite. They plan to seduce virgins, make wagers, have UST and do mean things. Only one mobile phone appears and everyone writes letters.
Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’) is a cocaine addict who does noting but lounge around her palatial townhouse and be evil. Sebastian (Ryan Phillippe) annoys. Cecile (Selma Blair) is stupid and Annette just needs to go away.
Tara Reid, future ‘Fringe’ star Joshua Jackson, future ‘Ugly Betty’ star Eric Mabius, Reese Witherspoon, Swoosie Kurtz, Christine Baranski and Charlie O’Connell of 'Sliders' all star in this camp comedy. It spawned two terrible sequels. You can't overlook the nasty subtext: Sebastian coerces girls into sex but he is the hero of this film or the sexism. The camp can't cover that up.
“What kind of pictures?”
“Why should I care?”
“I know how to alleviate menstrual cramps thank you very much.”
“You can put it anywhere.”
“He kept talking about this bulimic headcase he dumped over the 4th of July.”
“Where’ve you been?”
“Everybody does it. It’s just that nobody talks about it.”