epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

Neverland + Alcatraz 1x09 Reviewed

Neverland (2011)

From the makers of the excellent ‘Tin Man’ and the execrable ‘Alice’ comes this dreadful ‘Peter Pan’ prequel. Edwardian guttersnipes including the prat Peter, his idiot mates and their nefarious fagin boss Jimmy (Rhys Ifans of ’The Amazing Spiderman’ and ’Notting Hill’) are transported to another planet named Neverland.

Peter is a moron, giant crocodiles lurk, there is endless questing for a mysterious orb, Charles Dance has a thankless cameo and Jimmy falls into bed with a female pirate (played by that chick from ’Brookside’). Bob Hoskins has a tiny role as a pirate and there are unsubtle hints he is playing the same character he did in the terrible movie ’Hook’.

There is bad blue screen, bad acting, Indians, no mermaids, Tiger Lily shows up and Peter gets powers thanks to a good dose of Neverland cocaine or as TPTB call it mineral dust. The morally bankrupt Peter abuses the Indians hospitality and friendship and then does the same to the tree spirits. There are bums in the gutter with more potential and brains than Peter.

Tinkerbell flits, Peter shouts and Jimmy’s real name turns out to be James Hook. Peter never learns, he is snide and obnoxious and deserves Jimmy’s bitter acrimony. Peter’s background does not match that given in the book. Peter is ungrateful. Jimmy embraces the bad but isn’t very good at it.

The future lost boys are a gang of idiot thugs and there is no explanation as to how Peter would later get to London for Wendy and co. There is slow motion and the horrible little prats led by Peter go off to have adventures as Jimmy becomes Hook. This was truly terrible.

Best Line:
“We’re not in Shoreditch anymore.”

~
Sonny Burnett

Hauser and Ray have words. Sonny is the latest 63 to show up. He is a kidnapper and a violent thug. He looks up a woman he bothered 50 years ago and stalks her and tries to kill her family. Hauser learns that some of the 63s have special blood. Rebecca acts obnoxious and entitled. There is bad acting and this was dreadful. There are only 4 episodes left for TPTB to explain what the Warden was up to, the special blood, the time travelling and all these violent, murderous thugs are running around.
Tags: alcatraz, elementary, review, tin man
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