epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
epiphany_maria
epiphany_maria

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Movie Reviews: Bloodbath at the House of Death +Karla +Blade Trinity

Bloodbath At The House of Death (1984)

In 1975 a group of people are horribly murdered at Headstone Manor - a business man’s weekend retreat and girls summer camp. Then in the ‘present’ a group of mad scientists show up to investigate the mysterious house.

Dr Lucas Mandeville (Kenny Everett) and Dr Barbara Coyle (Pamela Stephenson of ‘Superman III’) get into a sing song at the local pub about the murders. They are unaware that a Sinister Man (Vincent Price) lurks as the head of a local chapter of inept satanists who he denounces as churls and hobbledehoys when he is not orating.

The local gang of idiots decide to purge the sacred house again. Meanwhile at the sacred house the unobservant scientists look around. There are silly walks, a meat pie that glows in the dark, invisible presences, mysterious goings on and more murders.

This has appearances by Gareth Hunt, John Fortune and Cleo Rocos and a handy exposition dump about what has been going on. This is an enjoyable, amusing camp parody that is superior to ‘Student Bodies’, ‘Wacko’ or the ‘Scary Movie’ collection.

Best Lines:
“Bow thy knee if you wish to even speak in my presence.”
“Oh piss off.”
“Piss off? For seven hundred years I have served our master faithfully...and you tell me to piss off? You piss off!”

“I thought the phone was dead.”
“Why do you think that?”
“They usually are in situations like this.”


~
Karla (2006)

Based on an infamous Canadian true crime, this movie is a sleazy look at how Paul (Misha Collins of ‘Supernatural’) and Karla (Laura Prepon of ‘That 70’s Show’) committed horrible crimes. This is an unpleasant movie that seems overly obsessed with depicting the crimes.

~
Blade Trinity (2004)

The final ‘Blade’ movie before the short lived TV show. The surly Blade joins forces with Nightstalkers to take on Dracula. The Nightstalkers are led by Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds).

The vampires led by Danica Talos (Parker Posey of ’Scream 3’) found Dracula (Dominic Purcell of ’Prison Break’) in the Syrian desert and brought him home with them. Humans and vampires are out to get Blade. Various characters do slow motion power walks, actors have obvious difficulty enunciating around their fake fangs and there is a voiceover by Hannibal King to fill in plot holes. This is an empty film.

The film has numerous flaws: Blade comes across as a thankless jackass, Hannibal King is unfunny, Whistler is killed off, Dracula walks around in shirts unbuttoned to the waist, there is obnoxious itunes product placement and a pro wrestler named Triple H shows off his appalling acting as a vampire heavy.

Abigail does kill several obnoxious vampire skater bois in hilarious fashion but the bio weapon Daystar to kill vampires is unexplained, the vampires are about to take over theme underwhelms and the fight scenes are over long.

Patton Oswalt of ‘Caprica’, ‘Young Adult’ and ‘United States of Tara’ shows up as a doomed Nightstalker, the UV arc weapon isn’t used enough, the vampire dogs are ridiculous, Eric Bogosian has a bizarre cameo and Asher Talos (Callum Keith Rennie) vanishes from the film at the climax. Also the ending (of which there seem to be about three alternate ones) makes no sense.
Tags: dracula, movie review, prison break, supernatural, united states of tara
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