epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

Tape Tales of 1997 and 2002

Cleared out two tapes. One from 1997, one from 2002. Up first is the 1997 tape. It opens with a ‘The Pretender’ ep ‘Toy Surprise’ as Miss Parker wandered around with her 1950’s hairstyle being as unpleasant as Blaine’s dress sense on ‘Glee’. Jarod does boring stuff with his project of the week (it’s the guy who played Francis on ‘Malcolm in the Middle’). Miss Parker has daddy issues, Mr Parker has a huge dated phone and this bored.

Then came a ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ ep ‘Remember’ in which Torres experiences another woman’s memories and learns of the hidden sins/unsubtle metaphor of an alien race. Bruce Davison guest stars as a mean alien in a hairnet. Torres wears a blue plastic fascist outfit. The love interest of the week cannot act at all. There is sexposition and the plot about persecuted space Amish really makes no sense. This was well intentioned.

Best Lines:
“It’s dangerous to have them living here.”
“Yes it is. And we’ve been tolerant for a very long time.”

“You’ll have a new place to live with your own kind. You’ll be much happier there.”

“To remind us never to be stubborn and backward like they were.”

Then came a season 1 ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ ep ‘Dreamworker’ in which there are fights, Gabrielle in peril and foreshadowing of Chin and Dahak. I did not care. Then came the ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’ ep ‘Trials and Tribble-ations’ in which Sisko talks to the DTI about his inadvertent time travel trip back to ‘TOS’ era. Why are all the senior officers on the Defiant? Kira does nothing. Charlie Brill guest stars playing the same role he did back in ‘TOS’ ep ‘The Trouble with Tribbles’. He still can’t act.

The crew (minus Kira) don the old cloth uniforms, the boots and the bad hair. Dax’s skirt is indecent. They wander around ‘TOS’ sets that are cheap looking and over lit. Dax reveals she banged McCoy. There are jokes about the flat forehead Klingons that would be explained in a ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ ep. How did Darvin know how to use the Orb of Time? How did the DTI guys not notice the tribbles on DS9? This was good.

Best Lines:
“Is that a joke?”
“Good, we hate those too.”

The 2002 tape opened with a season 6 ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ ep ‘Flooded’. Buffy acts like she is on drugs. Who is paying the water charges? Why don’t Willow and Tara pay any bills? Why don’t Willow, Tara or Dawn get a damn job? Buffy needs money. Xander treats Anya like crap. The trio bore. Willow is smug in her dreary monotone. This bored.

Best Lines:
You’re a very stupid girl.”

“You rank arrogant amateur.”

“There are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don’t want to meet them.”

Then came a season 2 ‘Angel’ ep ‘The Vision Thing’ in which Gavin Park (Daniel Dae Kim) annoys. Lilah has Cordelia given fake visions which makes Cordelia hurl herself around screaming. Fred annoys. Cordelia sports really bad SFX make up. Skip and Billy show up for the first time, foreshadowing better eps to come. I don’t care. Then came an ‘Invisible Man’ ep ‘Going Postal’ in which Hobbes goes nuts and the how of it is told from three different perspectives: his, show killer Alex’s and Darien’s. This was dull. Darien spends very little time invisible and Eberts goes nuts.

Finally there was a season 1 ‘Smallville’ ep ‘Craving’ in which Amy Adams wore a bad fat suit as the meteor freak of the week. She drank meteor rock shakes and lost weight and also turned into a fat craving cannibal. Lana disrespects her Aunt Nell. Lana’s birthday party is held at Lex’s mansion - why? Clark is disengaged, stupid and Lana obsessed. Dr Hamilton shows up. Lex reveals he was kicked out of Metropolis U. Clark and Lana have emotional adultery. This was a nauseous blur.

‘Raising Hope’ quotes:
“You only really know daddy-Jimmy. You don’t know sex-in-the-back-of-my-van-with-a-serial-killer-Jimmy.”

“I’m going to have a beautiful wedding dress. Spandex but classy.”

‘Whitney’ is a big pile of poo.

I am reading ‘Imaginary Girls’.
Tags: buffy the vampire slayer, smallville, star trek, tape tales

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