epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

  • Music:

Movie Reviews: Snow White & The Huntsman + The Uninvited + The Divide

Snow White & The Huntsman (2012)

Snow White and her one facial expression (Kristen Stewart) escapes from her evil large ham stepmother Ravenna (Charlize Theron). She and an unwashed huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) run through a forest while encountering various Christian vs. pagan moments.

This is badly acted and is too long. Snow White chomps down on the creepiest poisoned apple ever while ancient evil/walking wasteland/incarnation of death Ravenna eats the raw hearts of dead birds. Snow White’s other love interest William and his arrows takes up screen time. The trio run around the place with no regard to geography or time while the director films pretty nature shots.

Snow White trips over magpies, fairies, tortoise, badgers, foxes and a giant white stag while mouth breathing and uttering terrible dialogue. Eventually after a fight involving monsters made of broken glass and Hollywood tactics Snow White and whichever love interest she’ll pick in the sequel live happily ever after in a big fancy castle. This could have been better.

Best Line:
“I was ruined by a King like you. I replaced his Queen when she had grown old.”

The Uninvited (2009)

Anna was locked up in a nuthouse after her sick mother died in a fire. She returns home to find her father has a new young sexy fiancée Rachel (Elizabeth Banks). Anna and her brat sister Alex badmouth Rachel and are disobedient disrespectful brats. There is much drama queen antics at the ominous lakeside home.

It soon becomes clear that Anna shouldn’t have been let out as she grows paranoid about Rachel. Strange stuff happens, Anna screams and tantrums and it all ends in blood. This was okay.

Best Lines:
“Now she’s helping him cope, three times a night.”

“She’s like a crack whore without the dignity.”

“What have you done?”

The Divide (2011)

The lucky ones died in the blast!

This opens with an attack on NY. Is it war, aliens or something else? We never learn. A group of people in an apartment complex run for their lives and a few reach the basement. The crazy building superintendent Mickey (Michael Biehn overacting wildly) has created a fallout shelter and now he has a bunch of uninvited and unwanted guests.

It’s like ‘Flowers in the Attic’ but with nukes and a septic toilet. Pretty soon cabin fever sets in. Wendy the bratty child whines, her mother Marilyn (Rosanna Arquette) is ineffective. Sam the French guy is French. Everyone gets grim and dirty as they wait for rescue.

I’m reminded of that 80’s ‘Twilight Zone’ ep starring the guy who is the voice of Fat Tony. There is contact with the outside but it isn’t friendly. Things get worse. Mickey rants, Josh (Milo Ventimiglia of ‘Heroes’ and ‘Gilmore Girls’) sees things and loses his mind while Eva (Lauren German, the show killer of ‘Hawaii Five-0’) stares unblinking plotting how to survive.

There is body disposal, people crack and debase themselves and others, there is insanity, perversion and sickness as the survivors come to resemble CHUDS. This is good and bleak. To my surprise Lauren German who made me give up on ‘Hawaii Five-0’ is good in this film.

Best Lines:
“What was that? Another bomb?”
“It was our building coming down.”

“Uncle Mickey says we have to stay.”
“Because your face will melt off and your hair will fall out.”

“I don’t think he’s going to like what he finds out there.”

“They’re welding us in.”

“Let’s get civilised about this please.”
Tags: hawaii five-0, heroes, movie review

  • Book Review: Batgirls

    Batgirls Vol 1: One Way Or Another Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown are both Batgirl now. They are mentored by writer's pet Barbara Gordon.…

  • Book Review: Star Ascendant 👎

    Star Ascendant: Book One Of Star Shadow by Louise Cooper This 1994 novel is the start of a trilogy. It's dreadful and was followed by an okay 2…

  • Book Review: The Last Graduate

    The Last Graduate: Lesson Two Of The Scholomance by Naomi Novik There are frightening circumstances as El is in her final year at the dark school of…

Comments for this post were disabled by the author