epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,

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Movie Reviews: Thoughtcrimes + Soapdish

Thoughtcrimes (2004)

A failed TV pilot. Freya (Navi Rawat of ‘Numb3rs’) has a breakdown at her prom when she starts hearing voices. She’s locked up in a nut house for years as her sister June gives up on her. Finally a doctor lets her out and tells her she is a telepath, trains her up and sends her to work for the NSA.

Freya gets over years of being in a nut house and helps Agent Brendan Dean (Joe Flanigan of ‘Stargate Atlantis’) to catch an evil dude. This had bad bad acting, was slow moving and everyone is a gormless gurning idiot.

Soapdish (1991)

Celeste (Sally Field) is the diva star of ‘The Sun Also Sets’, a long running daytime soap. Her arch enemy Montana (Cathy Moriarty) wants Celeste gone so she can be the star so she is manipulating the producer David (Robert Downey Jr) to help her.

The devious duo scheme to get former co-star Jeffrey (Kevin Kline) back on the show. He’s been reduced to doing dinner theatre after Celeste had him fired 20 years ago. Head writer Rose (Whoopi Goldberg) is appalled.

Celeste is rich, famous, employed and yet moans about her lot constantly. After her latest married lover leaves her, she slugs vodka and pours weed killer on his plants while wearing a low cut red sequin dress. Why are we supposed to care? Maybe her co-stars Ariel (Teri Hatcher) and Blair (Paul Johansson) have a point when they hate her.

This is very funny. Even the dated hair and clothes are funny. Carrie Fisher has a cameo as a casting agent and Costas Mandylor shows up as a wannabe bit part player. Celeste is a fistful of pills away from a full on ‘Valley of the Dolls’ meltdown. Then her niece Lori gets a role on the show. Plot twists and revelations start to fly. This is a good parody of ‘Days of Our Lives’ and its ilk. Shame practically all the daytime soaps got cancelled.

Best Lines:
“I can’t act in a swimsuit.”

“No turbans for Miss Talbert.”

“Bolt’s gold especially with the whole impotency thing coming up.”

“David do you remember what happened on ‘Bold and the Brash’ when they made Tiffany incontinent? Do you?! Thousands of sympathy letters, ok. She became the bed wetter’s celebrity spokesperson. She hosted her own telethon.”

“You do want me don’t you David?”
“In the weirdest way.”

“I’m Lori Craven, the homeless mute.”

“You try playing Willy Loman in front of a bunch of old farts eating meatloaf.”

“I was in hell, consigned there by you!”

“We were never naked.”
“Well we could have been.”

“Lori this ingénue from hell. She has more lines than I do and she’s a goddamn mute!”

“I hate you, I hate you, you pig!”
Tags: forgotten tv pilots, movie review, numb3rs, stargate

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