What does this prequel to the over-rated ‘Alien’ teach us? Other than the fact that Ridley Scott fears vaginas, nothing. Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green of ‘Traveler’) and Shaw (Noomi Rapace) discover never fully explained cave paintings. This leads to them heading off on a ship into deep space with the moronic Fifield, heroic Captain Jack, creepy robot David and the pointless Meredith (Charlize Theron) as well as several other dead meat characters.
They want to find The Engineers, an advanced alien race who may have engineered humanity. Shaw and Holloway are full of hope and wonder at first. But swiftly learn otherwise. This was a silly boring underdeveloped letdown that falls apart. There is a bizarre Patrick Wilson cameo, laughable old age make up, a dismissal of the ‘Alien vs. Predator’ films and innumerable call-backs to ‘Alien’.
Elvira’s Haunted Hills (2002)
The sort of sequel to the funny ‘Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’. In Carpathia 1851 Elvira and her maid Zou Zou wander around until a strange coach takes them to the creepy castle of the creepy Vladimere Hellsbus (Richard O’Brien).
Amidst sinister servants, creepy people and wild over acting the plots of several Roger Corman/Vincent Price/Edgar Allen Poe movies get loving homage’s. Elvira looks just like Vladimere’s dead first wife Elura. Elvira makes numerous pantie hamster jokes but the thick pancake makeup can’t hide her real age.
Elvira flirts with Adrian the good looking stable master, does a truly disturbing song and dance number and there is a big climax in a dungeon. This is okay.
“The village people say this castle is evil.”
“Blah, who listens to The Village People anymore?”
“It’s the Hellsubus family blood, it causes them to do strange and unnatural things.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“A cup of warm milk sounds kind of good, thanks.”
“Very well, I’ll have the maid milk the goat.”
“Uh, you know on second thoughts just send up a bottle of scotch and a straw.”
“I’m afraid burying people alive is another unfortunate Hellsubus family trait.”
“Remind me never to hitch a ride in a strange coach again.”