Joyce is press ganged into joining both gangs. Jeremy is blissfully unaware of what is going on. While the Hazeldine's himbo son Bill (Tom Hiddleston of ‘The Avengers’ and ‘Thor’) is stalked by Camilla’s daughter Jewel, Jeremy and his sidekick PC Haines (Tom Ellis of ‘Doctor Who’ and ‘The Fades’) do nothing all day but sit in their patrol car as Little Stempington has no crime that they are aware of.
The good and bad housewives clash. Jeremy can’t believe his eyes when he sees Little Stempington teenagers listening to a boom box that is blasting classical music while some other teenagers clean up dog mess. Joyce is horrified as Jewel and Bill hook up. Jewel and Bill inadvertently steal some of Camilla’s ill gotten gains.
Camilla has a plan to import and sell 60,000 industrial strength oestrogen patches. When a 24 hour ale house opens she decides it is a perfect place to deal from. The good housewives want the ale house gone.
But the French drug lord she stole the patches from is angry about being ripped off the money Jewel and Bill stole was for Camilla to buy the drugs with and he shows up in Little Stempington to collect payment. A charity auction turns violent, one housewife goes to jail and the feud goes on. Jeremy remains blissfully unaware of the housewives with Uzis. This was enjoyable fun, season 2 was not.
“Do that again and I’ll piss in your petrol tank.”
“World War II mortar bomb. Highly unstable. We’re peppering the topsoil with them.”
“Why are you doing that?”
“Low cost housing Joyce. We can’t allow that sort of thing in Little Stempington.”
“Ever seen what a mortar shell can do to ten ton JCB digger Joyce?”
“What was that?”
“Probably just doggers or the town perv.”
“My house is smelling like Fred West’s patio.”
“Breathe a word and I’ll hack your knackers off with a trowel.”
“Why would two rough arsed teenagers be cleaning up dog turds?”
“We’ve replaced their book money with a pile of your dad’s old caravan magazines.”
“We need to blend in. We need to think and talk like stupid common pub people.”
“I fell in love with the place.”
“Oh, because it’s clean? Because there’s no graffiti? Because there are no delinquent teenagers sniffing toilet duck in the arcade?”
“And how do you think it stays that way?”