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Movie Reviews: New Moon + Event Horizon

New Moon (2009)

Edward (the fugly Robert Pattinson) and his bad make up and irritating manner of expressing himself abandons Bella (the expressionless Kirsten Stewart). She mopes endlessly until she is distracted by Jacob (Taylor Lautner of ’My Own Worst Enemy’) and his ratty wig. Jacob has issues but Bella does not really pay attention until he takes his shirt off.

CGI wolves run around. Jacob and his man-buddies are werewolves. Bella runs off to Italy, Michael Sheen lurks as some big wig vampire and Bella turns her back on Jacob to get back with the abusive Edward. This was boring and the acting is on par with ‘Fair City’

Best Line:
“We chased her all the way to the Canadian border the other night.”

~
Event Horizon (1997)

Liberate Tutemet Ex Inferis

As Hollywood is remaking everything, they’ll probably get to this creepy Lovecraftian horror at some point. In 2040 the secret government project spaceship Event Horizon vanished. In 2047 it returned and its creator Dr Weir (Sam Neill of ‘Daybreakers’) joins the crew of a salvage vessel to recover it.

The crew Captain Miller (Laurence Fishburne of ‘CSI’ and ‘Contagion’), Peters, Starck (Joely Richardson of ‘The Tudors’), Cooper (Richard T. Jones of ‘Hawaii Five-0’ and ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’), Justin, DJ (Jason Isaacs of ‘Awake’) and Smith (Sean Pertwee of ‘Dog Soldiers’) are unfriendly and hostile to Weir

Weir is patronising and a jackass as he explains how the Event Horizon travelled via gravity drive which creates an artificial black hole to achieve faster than light travel. The Event Horizon’s crew is dead and Peters recovers the ship’s log on cd and the rescue team see what became of them. Miller takes one look at the log and declares: “We’re leaving.”

Weird unpleasant stuff happened to the Event Horizon crew and now it is happening to the rescue crew as Weir goes all Joey Barton. There is no escape and this is a good creepy horror.

Best Lines:
“Where’s she been for the last seven years?”

“Well thank you for that scientific analysis Mr Smith.”

“You said the ship’s drive creates a gateway.”
“Yeah.”
“To what?”

“Who knows where it’s been, what it’s seen and what it’s brought back with it?”

“The reality is much much worse.”

“I created the Event Horizon to reach the stars, but she’s gone much much further than that.”
Tags: hawaii five-0, movie review, my own worst enemy, sarah connor chronicles, the tudors
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