epiphany_maria (epiphany_maria) wrote,
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epiphany_maria

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Movie Reviews: Urban Legend + Sex Drive + Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy + Piñata: Survival Island

Urban Legend (1998)
At Pendleton University, a lunatic is on the loose! In peril are Natalie (Alicia Witt), Brenda (Rebecca Gayheart of ‘Scream 2’ and ‘Earth 2’), Paul (Jared Leto), Damon (Joshua Jackson of ‘Fringe’), Sasha (Tara Reid), Parker (Michael Rosenbaum of ‘Smallville’) and Tosh (Danielle Harris of ‘Hatchet 2’). Creepy professor Wexler (Robert Englund) lurks and the university only has one security guard Reese (Loretta Devine) who spends her time watching ‘Coffy’.

This has nice DVD art and a great soundtrack. Everything else reeks. Michelle (Natasha Gregson Wagner) dies in a flurry of bad acting and singing in the first few minutes. Dean Adams (John Neville) just does not care. There only seems to be one class ever held in this university which is Wexler’s urban legend class. Most of the main cast attends it.

Everyone is an idiot. How did these people get into university? Is it a special one for the rich and thick? Pendleton is creepily gothic looking, people creepy around it as scare chords blare. Paul writes a front page article for the college newspaper that has the massive headline: ‘Lunatic on campus?’

This is a cheesy, dull and contrived ‘Scream‘ knock off. There is dial up intent, huge phones, nobody has a mobile phone and Natalie researches stuff in the library using a book. Damon and his bad blonde bleach job die. Brenda and Natalie fight over the annoying Paul.

More people die, screams for help are ignored and there is an endless chase scene. Nobody notices any of the multiple murders, vanishing students and lakes of blood and gore. The killer is revealed in idiot fashion. The killer then explains their motivation via a slide show. This was bad with a dumb ending. It had two sequels which were even worse.

Best Lines:
“You’ve been stealing your roommates birth control pills?”
“Borrowing okay!”

“You have a frat party to commemorate a massacre?”
“You betcha.”

“If there’s another e.coli crisis in the cafeteria, I want you to have the biggest juiciest burger on me.”

“I knew I should have gone to NYU.”

“What if there is a lunatic on campus?”

“You’d better check her pulse, she’s looked like that for years.”

“He’s probably shacked up in some motel with a girl or a guy, farm animal, whatever.”

“Is this a kidney? Or is that the liver?”


“Who would enrol at MurderU?”

“She’s doing a performance art piece to commemorate the massacre.”

”You loony psycho bitch!”

“Don’t you want to be an urban legend? All your friends are now.”


~
Sex Drive (2008)
The idiot Ian, his sexist friend Lance and Ian’s BFF Felicia go on a road trip in a car they steal from Ian’s vile brother Rex. The psycho Rex objects to having his car stolen and gets angry.

Ian and co cruise around in the car and have crude vulgar adventures and party with the Amish. This was tired and awful. ‘Eurotrip’ did it all already.

~
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (2005)
Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman of ‘Sherlock’) and his pal hitchhike around the galaxy encountering bad poetry, an idiot President, a vapid love interest and paperwork in this unfunny badly plotted movie. Zooey Deschanel of ‘Tin Man’ is inflicted upon us, people overact and this was not good.

~
Piñata: Survival Island (2002)
A group of moron college kids go to a deserted island to have an underwear scavenger hunt. Garret Wang of ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ is the guy in charge, Jamie Pressly is the love interest and Nicholas Brendan of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ is a controlling jackass boyfriend who creates unnecessary drama and fancies himself an action hero.

People tool around on dune buggies, scream and wear mom jeans. An evil piñata shows up and kills the morons. There is bad acting, really bad cgi and everything is grainy, murky and badly lit. This was pointless.
Tags: buffy the vampire slayer, fringe, movie review, sherlock, smallville, star trek, tin man
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