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Sapphire & Steel Review, Part 3

Assignment Three

Episode 1
Time travellers Rothwyn and Eldred are hanging around an ugly flat for an urban examination project. Their baby is with them. Sapphire and Steel show up and take the lift. Sapphire wears pyjamas, go-go boots and a dodgy wig. Steel looks like he works in the dole office.

Rothwyn is responsible for the domestic chores, typical just typical. She and her husband eat pills. People must have watched this because back then there were only three channels and everyone was too stoned to get up off the sofa and switch the TV off.

Rothwyn and Eldred gurn and talk about nothing I understand. A coat makes cat noises and moves across the floor, a pillow floats and Sapphire and Steel can’t see the horrid flat.

There is exposition. It seems the time travellers are from 1500 years in the future. Eldred drones on and wears a yellow sweater vest. Steel gets attacked by a swan/pillow thing. This was bad.

Best Lines:
“No-one should mess around with time.”
“Except us.”
“Except us.”

“There’s something in there with them.”


~
Episode 2
Rothwyn pulls faces and chokes the swan/pillow thing. Steel saws stuff. Rothwyn and her hubby have horrible droning voices and are devoid of charm and anything in the way of a personality. The baby grows up. This is not deeply strange instead it is a great waste of talent and is malodorous.

Best Lines:
“What about the people downstairs?”
“That’s their bad luck.”

“When the building falls down, they’ll blame the architect.”

“They’re only human beings.”


~
Episode 3
This is plain mad. Where is Lead? Sapphire vanishes. Dubious individual Silver shows up to annoy. He has a bad haircut and is glib.

~
Episode 4
Silver calls Steel coldly inefficient. Silver needs to SHUT UP. Sapphire opens the time travellers fridge and ominous noises emerge, okay that bit was creepy. But other than that, this was not good as I HATE Silver.

~
Episode 5
The ‘baby’ turns the sofa into what looks like a giant turd. That is a good metaphor. Sapphire and Steel can bleed. Eldred needs to shut up. Silver continues to dig his grave with his own teeth. This annoyed.

~
Episode 6
Silver reappears and the ep takes a drubbing. Silver waves a mini calculator about at a bit of tinfoil. Rothwyn and Eldred reveal there is no use for animals in the future because they’re all gone and “The world is better off without them.” Silver, Steel and Sapphire dislike the couple. Steel waves a carving knife at a bit of plastic. This was a mess, I’d rather have sat through ‘First Knight’.

~
Assignment Four

Episode 1

Sepia toned kids skip around. Sapphire has a convict haircut and wears a cheap looking dress. Steel is as morose as ever, wears a grey tie and his hair looks longer and blonder. The duo poke around a junk shop.

Sapphire is menaced by umbrellas. There is a time break. Steel can open locks by waving his hand. Sapphire can turn a record player off with her mind. A loud woman named Liz swans around. There have been mysterious disappearances and the new landlord is a creepy no faced thing that unnerved me as a child. This was very good.

Best Lines:
“This place is loaded with active triggers.”

“It’s a depressing place isn’t it?”

“If you want me, I’m not in either.”

“Can we hurt them?”


~
Episode 2
Liz is loud. Steel is cold. Liz has a white wicker chair and works in a club. What sort of club? She puts on a wig, sticks green glitter clips in it and piles on the make up. Aaaah, that sort of club.

Why did the ‘landlord’ keep Liz around? Sapphire wears blue tights and an unnerving discovery is made about the big bad of the ep. This was very good.

Best Lines:
“Do you have somewhere else to stay?”
“No.”
“Then you better find somewhere.”

“You must be some kind of nut.”

“Did she choose that suit for you?”

“Are you trying to be as creepy as your boyfriend?”


~
Episode 3

The Shape can communicate telepathically like Sapphire and Steel. This is serious business so Steel takes his tie off. The art of photography has allowed the Shape to slip though. The familiar world has fractured beyond sense as a result. There are very good reasons to be afraid of the dark and this Assignment is one of them. The Shape does something awful. This is okay.

~
Episode 4
Things aren’t supposed to change as they do in this ep. Liz realises at last that something utterly and completely wrong is going on. Steel and Sapphire are trapped. They figure out it has something to do with the original landlord and his trick photography hobby. Liz does something useful. The Shape makes nasty threats. This was good.

Best Lines:
“What’s happened to him?”
“He’s trapped.”
“Forever?”
“No, not yet.”

“Paper burns, nothing lasts, only me.”

“And in 75 years time?”
“We will be waiting.”

“Find every photo of you that there is. Burn them. Never have another taken.”
Tags: scary 1970s tv
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